We're all idiots. Every last one of us. I have explored mindsets, cultures, religions, philosophies, value systems, ethics, levels of understanding, kept asking "why", all for the purpose of finding the pure truth beneath all the BS. And what I have found is shocking, and disheartening... We're all idiots, refusing to see the truth that we logically know to be true, and also willfully believing certain things matter when there is no possible way they truly do. These two things combine to make the average person.
I sense an unknown here, a variable that has not been factored in. And worst of all, I also sense that this factor is "unknowable" in the sense that we perceive "knowing". I now judge those who partake in easily refuted delusions much more kindly. For after all, every belief we have is a delusion, simply for the fact that it cannot be unequivocally proven. Those of us, like myself, who feel we partake in a righteous path of questioning and understanding, arrive at a location no better, and sometimes worse, than those who do not even attempt it.
I hope that there is a point to life. And I feel that perhaps there is. But again, it is "unknowable" to our faulty and limited human perception. But I also feel this....that EVERYTHING is a part of the whole plan, assuming there IS a point. If there isn't...then WTF??? But basically it comes down to this; that apparently nothing matters, because even if it did, you would not be able to fathom HOW it mattered, the sheer and utter complexity and variables not even in our solar system, much less on Earth.
I feel so much anxiety from this, because i feel that it DOES matter, even it appears not to, but deep down I also feel that however it all matters, I'll never know. So I'm left feeling like what I say, think, and do, matter, but am left without a compass or guide to point me in the right direction. I fear my head may just explode.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Everything is balloon animals.
So much confusion in the world today. So much anger. So much contention. The how and the why are very complex. Thousands, if not millions of variables all interacting together to produce the chaos you see in the world around us. I am the type of person that looks around and thinks, "How did this all start?". For in the answer to that question, lies the answer to our problems. It may be an answer that is unpopular, but fact is fact whether we choose to accept it or not.
We look around the world and what do we see? Presidents, countries, religions. corporations, schools, status, power, jobs (or lack thereof)...but how much of what we see is reality, and how much is a projection of our subconscious? "Whaaaaat?" you might say. But I ask for a good reason. We know that everything that exists, does so at the subatomic level only. Elementary particles make up the whole of the cosmos, and everything in it. For the sake of understanding, we'll use atoms as our fundamental building block. Most people know that everything is made of atoms. What most do NOT realize, are the implications of such an astounding fact.
Most animals live a very basic life. They search for food, they mate, they sleep. Occasionally they frolic and play. Humans seem to be the only animals that spend more time caught up in a deluded fantasy than on the basics on life. I say a deluded fantasy, because that is what life has become for the majority of humans since we stopped gathering and started planting. Agriculture led to more free time for the ruling class. The ruling class then began to go a little mad, with too much free time on their hands. This madness led to all the cultural milieus we find ourselves in today. After all, culture is nothing more than an accepted set of values and beliefs by a group of people. This is usually started at the top of the authority ladder and works it's way down, spreading like a virus amongst the populace. It builds upon itself, over and over, becoming ever more complex and convoluted. Eventually, the people of earth were so busy trying to keep up with whatever culture they found themselves in, that actually LIVING was something they had no thought of, and wouldn't know how if they DID think of it. This is the prison we find ourselves in today.
Everything you see, almost, is balloon animals. After all, balloon animals are all made of the same thing: balloons. They are just inflated and twisted to resemble something from our mind. Our mind recognizes the similarity, and thinks "Hey, that's a dog!" instead of thinking "Hey, that's a twisted and inflated piece of latex, which in itself is just millions of molecules arranged in a way that has latex like qualities, which in itself is really just atoms arranged in a way as to make the molecules that make up latex." Whew, that's a mouthful! Which is probably why we do not think in those terms. But it is important that we remember the basic building blocks of reality. For if we do not, we begin to think our balloon animals are real. Concepts, like country, religion, employment, relationships, all these things are just role-playing games where we use the balloon animals as a reference and prop. The madness of the ruling classes has spread to us all. We have forgotten it's all just a game, and mistaken it for reality. Like the philosopher who stated that civilization created a map so very like the real world, that we have overlaid that map upon reality and rest upon it as though it were real, as the true world rots beneath us, forgotten.
So look around, and know that all is balloon animals. You, your children, your boss, your job, your country, your religion. It's all a fabrication, an image your mind makes out of the of the fantasy of concept and the subatomic particles that make up everything. We are all legos, from the dying child in africa to the president of the united states. All is equal, nothing is to be worried over, and anything is possible. All is lego's, all is balloon animals. Remember this, and your life will be much less stressful. We are playing a game with these items, one that ends once you die. Or do you just go to the next level? Either way, try to remember it's all just a game. One you may not have asked to play. So observe and question and make your own game if you have to. But above all, remember that every human and animal and rock and tree and star and galaxy is all made of the same thing, therefore we are all one and any division you see is purely illusory.
We look around the world and what do we see? Presidents, countries, religions. corporations, schools, status, power, jobs (or lack thereof)...but how much of what we see is reality, and how much is a projection of our subconscious? "Whaaaaat?" you might say. But I ask for a good reason. We know that everything that exists, does so at the subatomic level only. Elementary particles make up the whole of the cosmos, and everything in it. For the sake of understanding, we'll use atoms as our fundamental building block. Most people know that everything is made of atoms. What most do NOT realize, are the implications of such an astounding fact.
Most animals live a very basic life. They search for food, they mate, they sleep. Occasionally they frolic and play. Humans seem to be the only animals that spend more time caught up in a deluded fantasy than on the basics on life. I say a deluded fantasy, because that is what life has become for the majority of humans since we stopped gathering and started planting. Agriculture led to more free time for the ruling class. The ruling class then began to go a little mad, with too much free time on their hands. This madness led to all the cultural milieus we find ourselves in today. After all, culture is nothing more than an accepted set of values and beliefs by a group of people. This is usually started at the top of the authority ladder and works it's way down, spreading like a virus amongst the populace. It builds upon itself, over and over, becoming ever more complex and convoluted. Eventually, the people of earth were so busy trying to keep up with whatever culture they found themselves in, that actually LIVING was something they had no thought of, and wouldn't know how if they DID think of it. This is the prison we find ourselves in today.
Everything you see, almost, is balloon animals. After all, balloon animals are all made of the same thing: balloons. They are just inflated and twisted to resemble something from our mind. Our mind recognizes the similarity, and thinks "Hey, that's a dog!" instead of thinking "Hey, that's a twisted and inflated piece of latex, which in itself is just millions of molecules arranged in a way that has latex like qualities, which in itself is really just atoms arranged in a way as to make the molecules that make up latex." Whew, that's a mouthful! Which is probably why we do not think in those terms. But it is important that we remember the basic building blocks of reality. For if we do not, we begin to think our balloon animals are real. Concepts, like country, religion, employment, relationships, all these things are just role-playing games where we use the balloon animals as a reference and prop. The madness of the ruling classes has spread to us all. We have forgotten it's all just a game, and mistaken it for reality. Like the philosopher who stated that civilization created a map so very like the real world, that we have overlaid that map upon reality and rest upon it as though it were real, as the true world rots beneath us, forgotten.
So look around, and know that all is balloon animals. You, your children, your boss, your job, your country, your religion. It's all a fabrication, an image your mind makes out of the of the fantasy of concept and the subatomic particles that make up everything. We are all legos, from the dying child in africa to the president of the united states. All is equal, nothing is to be worried over, and anything is possible. All is lego's, all is balloon animals. Remember this, and your life will be much less stressful. We are playing a game with these items, one that ends once you die. Or do you just go to the next level? Either way, try to remember it's all just a game. One you may not have asked to play. So observe and question and make your own game if you have to. But above all, remember that every human and animal and rock and tree and star and galaxy is all made of the same thing, therefore we are all one and any division you see is purely illusory.
Friday, September 16, 2011
The Walking Dead
Have you ever seen the movie "The Crow"?
Did you revel in the reaping of what they did sow?
What might happen in a similar situation
Where a young boy abused, lost and forsaken
Dies inside and buries the pain deep
The corpse of his youth sent down into sleep
The clown makeup comes on, just as before
To hide the rotting and festering sores
But nothing he does can keep it locked away
This little demon wants to come out and play
It wants revenge and it wants it now
To "spread the love" oh boy and how!
This Crow doesn't kill, doesn't maim or stab
It's almost like he was made in a lab
Self-flagellation relived through memory
Justifies the cause of unending misery
Distilled anger and concentrated pain
A rage that is endless as the Seattle rain
While certain barbs and thorns arise from his exterior
His rotting flesh is still labeled "inferior"
When then one day the bird comes to visit
His namesake, his guide, this animal exquisite
A feeling of peace, of comfort, of grace
Soon takes away and begins to replace
The anger and pain from the paint on his face.
Though still dead in the eyes of his peers
He has a knowledge to protect him from sneers
An awareness of something larger than his pain
A purpose that might just erase the stain
And so he tries to clear to his head
This smiling, rotting, walking undead.
Did you revel in the reaping of what they did sow?
What might happen in a similar situation
Where a young boy abused, lost and forsaken
Dies inside and buries the pain deep
The corpse of his youth sent down into sleep
The clown makeup comes on, just as before
To hide the rotting and festering sores
But nothing he does can keep it locked away
This little demon wants to come out and play
It wants revenge and it wants it now
To "spread the love" oh boy and how!
This Crow doesn't kill, doesn't maim or stab
It's almost like he was made in a lab
Self-flagellation relived through memory
Justifies the cause of unending misery
Distilled anger and concentrated pain
A rage that is endless as the Seattle rain
While certain barbs and thorns arise from his exterior
His rotting flesh is still labeled "inferior"
When then one day the bird comes to visit
His namesake, his guide, this animal exquisite
A feeling of peace, of comfort, of grace
Soon takes away and begins to replace
The anger and pain from the paint on his face.
Though still dead in the eyes of his peers
He has a knowledge to protect him from sneers
An awareness of something larger than his pain
A purpose that might just erase the stain
And so he tries to clear to his head
This smiling, rotting, walking undead.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Sensation Seeking
Ever wonder why you do the things you do? Probably about half who read this will say yes, they do wonder what the motivations are behind their actions. The second half will say no, they don't wonder such things because, in their mind, the answer is obvious. But is it? You are reading these words on the screen right now. Why? The second half may say "Because I want to", or any number of other causal factors. But ask yourself this; WHY do you want to? And whatever answer you arrive at, ask yourself WHY once again. Keep doing this long enough, and eventually you'll reach a point where you do not have an answer readily available, but also you finally become AWARE that you DON'T KNOW.
Not knowing is the key that opens the door to enlightenment. We are taught certain things growing up. These things are taught to us by people we trust. Our parents. Our teachers. Our movies. Our TV. And so, by the time we reach our twenties, most of us think we have what matters all figured out. Our trusted sources have laid the blueprint down for a happy life, it's just up to us to follow it. If failure happens along the way, it's our fault, of course! We just didn't try "hard enough" or left the path for some reason. It never occurs to most, that the reason they fail, is because they are on the WRONG PATH. What? A wrong path? How can that be? We are clearly taught there is ONE path, and it's the path for EVERYONE. The path of doing good in school, making friends, following the advice of your elders, going to college, getting married, finding a career in a field that makes a ton of money, buying a nice house, having kids, getting old, and finally death. The tedium of this life is to be broken up by television, video games, sex, sports, and the drama of real life (ie politics, religion, family).
What I have discovered, is that there are many paths, perhaps infinite paths, and you do not have to follow the one that is put before you. In fact, rarely is that path the one for you. Usually, the path put before you is there because of someone else. They want you on that path, for reasons that could be good or not. So, it is important, once you are cognitively able, to question the path before you. If you are already on that path, question it anyway. I know starting over may seem impossible, a daunting task. But question it you must, for another, more fulfilling path may be out there, just waiting for you to claim it. So what is it that keeps us from claiming the path meant for us? There are many things, but this blog entry is going to focus on one; Sensation Seeking.
While I do not consider myself a Buddhist (not even Buddha was), I have to give credit where credit is due. The idea of "sensation seeking" and that it hinders personal growth and insight came from studying Buddhism. I looked at my life, both past and present. I analyzed the memories to see if the concept of sensation seeking was bull, or if there was some truth to it. I was shocked at what I found. Almost all of the things we do that hinder spiritual/mental growth comes seeking sensation. So what is it, exactly?
Sensation seeking is when we do something, or avoid something, implicitly for the reason of attaining a certain sensation, or avoiding one. The goal of all sensation seeking is pleasure. To "feel good" seems to be equated with "happiness". In America, "the pursuit of happiness" has been etched into our brains since birth. But what if the happiness we are taught to seek after, isn't true happiness? While we aren't taught it verbally, we DO learn that feeling good = happiness. Feeling good begins to seem like being hooked on drugs. We like how "feeling good" feels. Obviously. So we seek it, more and more. We are judged by HOW we seek to feel good. If the majority of people do a certain thing to feel good, they are cheered as normal. If someone does a thing to feel good that most people do NOT do, he/she is ostracized and judged by the masses. Our entire culture is built around the pursuit of happiness, which more and more seems to be the pursuit of feeling good.
We see a car. If looking at that car makes us "feel good" we buy it, if we can afford it. If we can't, we feel bad inside that we haven't lived a life that enables us to buy that car. But almost at the same time, we justify not needing that car, so the bad feeling is drowned out by the propaganda of our mind and it's desire to not be conscious of bad things. Denial. The same goes with clothes, food, homes, etc.... Almost any and everything you buy, regardless of the justifications you used to attain them, or the reasoning you use when you have to settle for things that make you feel "less good", are ultimately how they make you FEEL. So you begin to live a life of sensation seeking, like a drug addict looking for his next fix. Taste, Touch, Sight, Hearing, Smell and Mind are all your senses, and by the time you are an adult, these senses are using you, instead of you using them. For those that think the mind is not another sense, ask yourself this; when a person is looking toward the future or past, and relishes in the prospect of power and control, which sense gives him that information that makes him feel so good? It is mind, of course. The mind takes the input of the first 5 senses, and combines them all in a way that gives a greater understanding of pleasure than one sense alone could ever give. It also does the same for displeasure, usually referred to as Pain. So our lives are lived in constant pursuit of pleasure and in constant fear of pain. These primal urges work like background processes in a computer, affecting all you do without your conscious mind ever noticing. However, under careful scrutiny, these hidden processes can be revealed. And being conscious of these things, with the understanding that they are bad for you and should be altered, will begin to alter all by themselves.... So many people do not try to change, because they think it would be too hard. And if you "try" to change, it IS hard. So don't try. Just be aware. Make an effort to be aware. That is all. "Know Thy Self"
Not knowing is the key that opens the door to enlightenment. We are taught certain things growing up. These things are taught to us by people we trust. Our parents. Our teachers. Our movies. Our TV. And so, by the time we reach our twenties, most of us think we have what matters all figured out. Our trusted sources have laid the blueprint down for a happy life, it's just up to us to follow it. If failure happens along the way, it's our fault, of course! We just didn't try "hard enough" or left the path for some reason. It never occurs to most, that the reason they fail, is because they are on the WRONG PATH. What? A wrong path? How can that be? We are clearly taught there is ONE path, and it's the path for EVERYONE. The path of doing good in school, making friends, following the advice of your elders, going to college, getting married, finding a career in a field that makes a ton of money, buying a nice house, having kids, getting old, and finally death. The tedium of this life is to be broken up by television, video games, sex, sports, and the drama of real life (ie politics, religion, family).
What I have discovered, is that there are many paths, perhaps infinite paths, and you do not have to follow the one that is put before you. In fact, rarely is that path the one for you. Usually, the path put before you is there because of someone else. They want you on that path, for reasons that could be good or not. So, it is important, once you are cognitively able, to question the path before you. If you are already on that path, question it anyway. I know starting over may seem impossible, a daunting task. But question it you must, for another, more fulfilling path may be out there, just waiting for you to claim it. So what is it that keeps us from claiming the path meant for us? There are many things, but this blog entry is going to focus on one; Sensation Seeking.
While I do not consider myself a Buddhist (not even Buddha was), I have to give credit where credit is due. The idea of "sensation seeking" and that it hinders personal growth and insight came from studying Buddhism. I looked at my life, both past and present. I analyzed the memories to see if the concept of sensation seeking was bull, or if there was some truth to it. I was shocked at what I found. Almost all of the things we do that hinder spiritual/mental growth comes seeking sensation. So what is it, exactly?
Sensation seeking is when we do something, or avoid something, implicitly for the reason of attaining a certain sensation, or avoiding one. The goal of all sensation seeking is pleasure. To "feel good" seems to be equated with "happiness". In America, "the pursuit of happiness" has been etched into our brains since birth. But what if the happiness we are taught to seek after, isn't true happiness? While we aren't taught it verbally, we DO learn that feeling good = happiness. Feeling good begins to seem like being hooked on drugs. We like how "feeling good" feels. Obviously. So we seek it, more and more. We are judged by HOW we seek to feel good. If the majority of people do a certain thing to feel good, they are cheered as normal. If someone does a thing to feel good that most people do NOT do, he/she is ostracized and judged by the masses. Our entire culture is built around the pursuit of happiness, which more and more seems to be the pursuit of feeling good.
We see a car. If looking at that car makes us "feel good" we buy it, if we can afford it. If we can't, we feel bad inside that we haven't lived a life that enables us to buy that car. But almost at the same time, we justify not needing that car, so the bad feeling is drowned out by the propaganda of our mind and it's desire to not be conscious of bad things. Denial. The same goes with clothes, food, homes, etc.... Almost any and everything you buy, regardless of the justifications you used to attain them, or the reasoning you use when you have to settle for things that make you feel "less good", are ultimately how they make you FEEL. So you begin to live a life of sensation seeking, like a drug addict looking for his next fix. Taste, Touch, Sight, Hearing, Smell and Mind are all your senses, and by the time you are an adult, these senses are using you, instead of you using them. For those that think the mind is not another sense, ask yourself this; when a person is looking toward the future or past, and relishes in the prospect of power and control, which sense gives him that information that makes him feel so good? It is mind, of course. The mind takes the input of the first 5 senses, and combines them all in a way that gives a greater understanding of pleasure than one sense alone could ever give. It also does the same for displeasure, usually referred to as Pain. So our lives are lived in constant pursuit of pleasure and in constant fear of pain. These primal urges work like background processes in a computer, affecting all you do without your conscious mind ever noticing. However, under careful scrutiny, these hidden processes can be revealed. And being conscious of these things, with the understanding that they are bad for you and should be altered, will begin to alter all by themselves.... So many people do not try to change, because they think it would be too hard. And if you "try" to change, it IS hard. So don't try. Just be aware. Make an effort to be aware. That is all. "Know Thy Self"
Bearing Fruit
Well it's September 8th, which means we've been living the homeless life for 2 months now. Overall, the experience has been informative, fun, and transforming. And it still continues. I do not see ending this experiment anytime soon.
This has been one hell of summer. A cross country road trip, a vegas wedding, giving away most of our possessions, moving from a comfy apartment to living in a car (by choice), seeing my Dad after 8 years, and going Raw and Organic in addition to being Vegan. Also, it is when I finally researched and accepted being a high-functioning Autistic person, also known as an Aspie, short for Asperger's Syndrome. We see it as who we are, not something we "have". Whew! This is what appears to be many life altering changes in a short time. The truth, however, is that these changes were a long time coming. My tree may take a while to bear fruit, but when it does, WOW!
I can see the HBC (homeless by choice) life came to me after years and years of planning on that eventuality and fantasizing about it as a child. How many children do you know that think being homeless would be fun and adventurous? I did, and still do :) You spend a third of your life asleep. No choice in that. So what do you do with the other 16 hours a day, the other 2/3 of your life? Most will spend a third (or more) working. And not meaningful, enlightening, purposeful work either. Mindless physical labor and robotic repetitive actions is where the vast majority find themselves. Some of who's left find a better version of the slave labor game. They attain jobs that "seem" to matter, "seem" to be important, but any true unbiased reflection will show the hollowness of these endeavors. Jobs like engineers, management, investing, business owners and the like, all have enough "street cred" in this earthly prison system, that although they remain trapped and shackled like all the other prisoners, they hold a "trustee" status, where prisoners are made to look after the other prisoners and are given "perks".
So, that leaves 1/3 of your life left. From what I have observed, that third is spent either trying to recover from your daily slave labor, or "taking care of" your little future prisoners, your children. Video games, television, music, sports, chemicals, and sex are all ways we attempt to detach ourselves from the inner pain of being a slave. Similar things are used in real prison. I spent 3 years there, so I can see the similarities plain as day. As for children, they become a huge part of the parents life, and rightly so. However, most parents make a HUGE mistake; they feel the way they were raised is the "right" way. Even in this modern world, where so many different ways of doing things are considered "right", people still refuse to question their beliefs and assumptions, and then pass that faulty thinking on to their children! How else could atrocities of the past, like Slavery, denying women the right to own property or vote, etc, be carried on for hundreds or thousands of years? And are we truly so arrogant that we think all the "horrible" things of the past have been dealt with? What of war? What of treating our animal brothers and sisters like products instead of living beings? What of greed corrupting the minds of those in power to the point to where we are being fed poison in our food because it takes 20 years to kill instead of 2? What of using imaginary lines on a map to distinguish who is valid from who is invalid? What of us choosing to hurt others so that we may profit? The atrocities are not over. Many know this, but many do not. Many think we are at the pinnacle of human evolution and knowledge, and we are more enlightened now than ever. I disagree. We have just gotten much better at denial and the "appearance" of civility.
We, as humans, know something is wrong. It's in all our forms of expression. In music, in art, in literature, in religion. We know something is off, and that "knowing" can slowly drive us insane. "Like a splinter in your mind" as Morpheus says. So I choose to do something about it. I choose to "unplug". But I feel it's not really a choice at all. Like Neo, I can never go back. I would not want to, knowing what I know now. I have devoted the 2/3 of my life I spend awake, to being "awake". To see the world mindfully, to question, and as strength permits, to do the right thing. My shackles are off. Are yours?
This has been one hell of summer. A cross country road trip, a vegas wedding, giving away most of our possessions, moving from a comfy apartment to living in a car (by choice), seeing my Dad after 8 years, and going Raw and Organic in addition to being Vegan. Also, it is when I finally researched and accepted being a high-functioning Autistic person, also known as an Aspie, short for Asperger's Syndrome. We see it as who we are, not something we "have". Whew! This is what appears to be many life altering changes in a short time. The truth, however, is that these changes were a long time coming. My tree may take a while to bear fruit, but when it does, WOW!
I can see the HBC (homeless by choice) life came to me after years and years of planning on that eventuality and fantasizing about it as a child. How many children do you know that think being homeless would be fun and adventurous? I did, and still do :) You spend a third of your life asleep. No choice in that. So what do you do with the other 16 hours a day, the other 2/3 of your life? Most will spend a third (or more) working. And not meaningful, enlightening, purposeful work either. Mindless physical labor and robotic repetitive actions is where the vast majority find themselves. Some of who's left find a better version of the slave labor game. They attain jobs that "seem" to matter, "seem" to be important, but any true unbiased reflection will show the hollowness of these endeavors. Jobs like engineers, management, investing, business owners and the like, all have enough "street cred" in this earthly prison system, that although they remain trapped and shackled like all the other prisoners, they hold a "trustee" status, where prisoners are made to look after the other prisoners and are given "perks".
So, that leaves 1/3 of your life left. From what I have observed, that third is spent either trying to recover from your daily slave labor, or "taking care of" your little future prisoners, your children. Video games, television, music, sports, chemicals, and sex are all ways we attempt to detach ourselves from the inner pain of being a slave. Similar things are used in real prison. I spent 3 years there, so I can see the similarities plain as day. As for children, they become a huge part of the parents life, and rightly so. However, most parents make a HUGE mistake; they feel the way they were raised is the "right" way. Even in this modern world, where so many different ways of doing things are considered "right", people still refuse to question their beliefs and assumptions, and then pass that faulty thinking on to their children! How else could atrocities of the past, like Slavery, denying women the right to own property or vote, etc, be carried on for hundreds or thousands of years? And are we truly so arrogant that we think all the "horrible" things of the past have been dealt with? What of war? What of treating our animal brothers and sisters like products instead of living beings? What of greed corrupting the minds of those in power to the point to where we are being fed poison in our food because it takes 20 years to kill instead of 2? What of using imaginary lines on a map to distinguish who is valid from who is invalid? What of us choosing to hurt others so that we may profit? The atrocities are not over. Many know this, but many do not. Many think we are at the pinnacle of human evolution and knowledge, and we are more enlightened now than ever. I disagree. We have just gotten much better at denial and the "appearance" of civility.
We, as humans, know something is wrong. It's in all our forms of expression. In music, in art, in literature, in religion. We know something is off, and that "knowing" can slowly drive us insane. "Like a splinter in your mind" as Morpheus says. So I choose to do something about it. I choose to "unplug". But I feel it's not really a choice at all. Like Neo, I can never go back. I would not want to, knowing what I know now. I have devoted the 2/3 of my life I spend awake, to being "awake". To see the world mindfully, to question, and as strength permits, to do the right thing. My shackles are off. Are yours?
Saturday, August 20, 2011
"Do You Love Me?" (a lyrical poem about when Kim and I first met)
Days spent shooting through the desert
Nights spent gathered around the electronic fire
Gaining ground on my destiny
Hoping for something to take me higher
Picking up your transmissions
Curious if this is the one
Rolling the dice once again
To see if I can raise the sun
A few drops have hit my face
But I'm not even wet yet
The dice are still rolling
I haven't placed my bet yet
East meets west and time stands still
The gods all hold their breath
Would this be the start of a never-ending journey
Or would it be it's death?
An eternity in an instant
As the gravity of fate pulled you to me
Did you think that summer morning
I would be the one to set you free?
Never loved or been loved
Now you have eyes to see
I asked of you only this question
Do you love me?
I do not ask for my own sake
Or to clear up a misconception
For I know the answer is yes,
And it has a grand reception
I ask so that you may do the same
Having given up long ago
Resigned to a life of acquaintance
With little truth to show
I see the sparkle in your eyes
The divine essence of fate
Take my hand, walk with me
I'll give you more than a taste
Ah yes there it is
Realization blooming like a flower
The awareness of your love for me
Giving you undreamt of power
Power to open a heart once closed
Power to shine a light where no one knows
Power to accept that you can be seen
As the ultimate most wonderful girl of my dreams.
I love you Kim.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
New Meaning From An Old Story
I was just thinking back to an illustrated serial story I wrote back in 5th grade. We had to write a journal entry everyday, and mine was in the form of a story being written, each day being a new chapter. The story was about a group of kids who had fallen through a portal into a fantasy world, being transformed into hybrid animal/human creatures. The point of the story was for the group to get back home. This was to be achieved by going on a long journey, and overcoming a series of obstacles in their path using skill, intellect and ability. Each obstacle was a different type of wall. Each wall could only be overcome by one member of the group, using their particular gift.
Looking back now, of course, I see something deeper. It appears my subconscious was writing a story about the point of life. And that point, it seems, was to overcome the obstacles you face in life. And after each one, there will be another. And another. Until you finally reach the promised land. And to get past each obstacle, you must utilize your innate ability and the things which make you different from everyone else. These differences must be celebrated, not hidden and felt ashamed of. It seems the journey I'm on now, started much sooner than I realized.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Update: Living the HBC (homeless by choice) life, ONE MONTH SO FAR
Today is August 8th, 2011. That means it's been a little over a month since Kim and I have been living out of her car. I'd have to say that the first week is by far the worst. For me, at least. The days were fine. During the week, I'd hang out at Starbucks and research on the laptop, or relax at a park, maybe smoke a little green in the car, depending on my mood. Weekends also tended to be fun. With no home to be lazy at, with no couch to "potato", you tend to do more stuff. Dining out, movies, reading at a library or Barnes&Nobles, chillin in the car listening to the decent sound system. If you're a beach person, it gets even better. For some reason the prospect of having to attain parking always makes me think twice about heading to one of the beaches around here. Plus, I think the appeal of the beach for many people, is they don't get to see it very often, so there's a sense of urgency to experience it when they can. But when you live 5 miles away from the beach...it's not so tempting. We haven't been there a single time this month.
The hard part, in the beginning at least, was finding a place to sleep. Since you aren't legally allowed to sleep in your car (wtf? Land of the free my ASS) you have to find a spot you won't be hassled by cops or security. We found out that the Walmart's here don't let you stay more than a day. 24 hour Fitness (the gym we shower at) doesn't let you sleep either, even if you ARE a member. We found a couple decent places, but they were kind of secluded, so it didn't feel very safe. Finally we decided to look for residential streets, near apartment complexes where people mind their own business, and to look close to the gym, so we wouldn't have to drive far in the morning. It wasn't long before we found the perfect spot, with street parking and condos/apt's everywhere. Quiet, safe, no security or police patrols. When it gets to be around 10pm, we head to the gym parking lot, put most of the stuff from the back into the passenger seat. Kim get's in the back, then fixes all the windows with rolled up pillowcases clamped, so that when we pull up to our spot, all I have to do is unclamp them, and the pillowcases roll down like shades, keeping the street lights from blinding us and people from looking in. We put a towel up blocking the rear window, and a foil sunshade to block the windshield. We do this fast and quiet. You don't want the residents to know you are in the car. You want them to think you live in one of the apt's. The windows are kept cracked 3 inches to allow heat and moisture to escape. Stormy always sleeps with us, and she's a happy cat. We keep her litter box in the back floorboard on the passenger side, and keep it cleaned daily. Her food and water is in the front floorboard, in a deep office organizer so it doesn't spill as we drive around. The car is like her personal amusement park, so many tunnels and crawl spaces. She loves going under the seats, over the seats, on the dash, under the pillows and everywhere else, all in the space of a few seconds when she gets excited :P We kept the little carpet door hanger (its for cats to scratch) and hung it from the hook over the driver's side back door. She claws that and NOT the leather seats. She's a good kitty.
So. I have proven to myself that I CAN do this, and won't go crazy. That's good. The bad part, so far, is that I feel EXACTLY the same as before, when I lived in the apt. I still have good days, I still have horrible days. Maybe it will take more time for a different mindset to develop, or maybe one will not develop at all. And a couple "new" things have happened internally; 1) I have accepted my Asperger's. For 2 years I have known about it, because it was pointed out by Kim. At the time, when she told me, I looked it up, saw she was probably right, and kind of dismissed it. I was still dealing with being a probable sociopath/narcissist at the time. Many things about me fit that, and the things that didn't I ignored. But for some reason I felt led this month to truly research Asperger's, and deeply analyze my past and current life, and core personality. Instead of trying to understand one or two odd things about myself, it appeared that Asperger's took EVERYTHING about me, everything that made me different and not like regular people, and tied it all together in one neat and tidy category. Asperger's. Because it is a form of high-functioning Autism, it affects almost everything about how you see and interact with the world. It's a difference in the brain. Some would call it a "abnormality", and while that is certainly true in the literal sense (it's not "normal", after all, where normal here means NeuroTypical) the inference there is that it's BAD, which it is NOT. Assuming of course, that you want to be yourself, and not try to "become" neurotypical. Growing up not knowing I had this, I tried 2 opposing things at the same time. I was trying to "boost" my good Asperger qualities (analyzation, critical thinking, super senses, memory) and "inhibit" my bad Asperger qualities (rocking back and forth, finger-flapping, weird noise making, social anxiety, not fitting in, not being athletic, being temperature sensitive, sound sensitive). It turns out, I should have just accepted myself as I was a long time ago, but many of the complexes that arose from dealing with all that, plus my horrible home life, put me on the journey I am on today. Which leads me to the second thing that has changed; I want to go to India, to find an enlightened master to help guide me in the ways of meditation and also to be saturated in a culture that truly understands and encourages spiritual growth via renunciation. I have been a renunciate all my life, by sheer instinct. This life calls to me, and I do not know how long I will be able to resist. I have much preparation if a teacher is to find me worthy and ready for instruction. I have done the research, and know that for me, this is the only way I will make the progress I seek. Do not be surprised if you see a blog titled "On My Way To India, see ya in 10 years!" :D
The hard part, in the beginning at least, was finding a place to sleep. Since you aren't legally allowed to sleep in your car (wtf? Land of the free my ASS) you have to find a spot you won't be hassled by cops or security. We found out that the Walmart's here don't let you stay more than a day. 24 hour Fitness (the gym we shower at) doesn't let you sleep either, even if you ARE a member. We found a couple decent places, but they were kind of secluded, so it didn't feel very safe. Finally we decided to look for residential streets, near apartment complexes where people mind their own business, and to look close to the gym, so we wouldn't have to drive far in the morning. It wasn't long before we found the perfect spot, with street parking and condos/apt's everywhere. Quiet, safe, no security or police patrols. When it gets to be around 10pm, we head to the gym parking lot, put most of the stuff from the back into the passenger seat. Kim get's in the back, then fixes all the windows with rolled up pillowcases clamped, so that when we pull up to our spot, all I have to do is unclamp them, and the pillowcases roll down like shades, keeping the street lights from blinding us and people from looking in. We put a towel up blocking the rear window, and a foil sunshade to block the windshield. We do this fast and quiet. You don't want the residents to know you are in the car. You want them to think you live in one of the apt's. The windows are kept cracked 3 inches to allow heat and moisture to escape. Stormy always sleeps with us, and she's a happy cat. We keep her litter box in the back floorboard on the passenger side, and keep it cleaned daily. Her food and water is in the front floorboard, in a deep office organizer so it doesn't spill as we drive around. The car is like her personal amusement park, so many tunnels and crawl spaces. She loves going under the seats, over the seats, on the dash, under the pillows and everywhere else, all in the space of a few seconds when she gets excited :P We kept the little carpet door hanger (its for cats to scratch) and hung it from the hook over the driver's side back door. She claws that and NOT the leather seats. She's a good kitty.
So. I have proven to myself that I CAN do this, and won't go crazy. That's good. The bad part, so far, is that I feel EXACTLY the same as before, when I lived in the apt. I still have good days, I still have horrible days. Maybe it will take more time for a different mindset to develop, or maybe one will not develop at all. And a couple "new" things have happened internally; 1) I have accepted my Asperger's. For 2 years I have known about it, because it was pointed out by Kim. At the time, when she told me, I looked it up, saw she was probably right, and kind of dismissed it. I was still dealing with being a probable sociopath/narcissist at the time. Many things about me fit that, and the things that didn't I ignored. But for some reason I felt led this month to truly research Asperger's, and deeply analyze my past and current life, and core personality. Instead of trying to understand one or two odd things about myself, it appeared that Asperger's took EVERYTHING about me, everything that made me different and not like regular people, and tied it all together in one neat and tidy category. Asperger's. Because it is a form of high-functioning Autism, it affects almost everything about how you see and interact with the world. It's a difference in the brain. Some would call it a "abnormality", and while that is certainly true in the literal sense (it's not "normal", after all, where normal here means NeuroTypical) the inference there is that it's BAD, which it is NOT. Assuming of course, that you want to be yourself, and not try to "become" neurotypical. Growing up not knowing I had this, I tried 2 opposing things at the same time. I was trying to "boost" my good Asperger qualities (analyzation, critical thinking, super senses, memory) and "inhibit" my bad Asperger qualities (rocking back and forth, finger-flapping, weird noise making, social anxiety, not fitting in, not being athletic, being temperature sensitive, sound sensitive). It turns out, I should have just accepted myself as I was a long time ago, but many of the complexes that arose from dealing with all that, plus my horrible home life, put me on the journey I am on today. Which leads me to the second thing that has changed; I want to go to India, to find an enlightened master to help guide me in the ways of meditation and also to be saturated in a culture that truly understands and encourages spiritual growth via renunciation. I have been a renunciate all my life, by sheer instinct. This life calls to me, and I do not know how long I will be able to resist. I have much preparation if a teacher is to find me worthy and ready for instruction. I have done the research, and know that for me, this is the only way I will make the progress I seek. Do not be surprised if you see a blog titled "On My Way To India, see ya in 10 years!" :D
Monday, July 25, 2011
Let me be
I am standing before you today
Hoping you will listen to what I say
But it won't take long, it'll come out wrong, need a hit on my mental bong
My words here will bear witness, exercise them regularly for mental fitness
But my leg starts to shake, a little vocal earthquake, I know it's coming for christ's sake
Happens every time, even to a rhyme, you folks will think I've lost my mind
Asperger's syndrome is what it's called, builds a prison with infinite walls
But I didn't erect this social cage, I was never given the book, not even a page
I smoke the world through a different pipe, I question authority and don't believe the hype
Some think I'm defective, but I'm a social detective, thinking my way while being objective
You feel your way like the blind, While my thoughts approach from behind
Can you hear my voice crack, can you hear it waver? You're drinking the Kool-aid, but do you know the flavor?
You've always known I was different from you, to repel or embrace, just what could you do?
Your heart may know it's wrong to judge, but surely God could forgive this little smudge?
It seems okay to flow with the crowd, picking on the different, it's always allowed.
But those little freaks grow up to be me, their heart in pain, their souls not free
They don't let us know there's another way to flow, just the linear line of being
To conform and grow in the Creator's glow is all that they are seeing
My ways are valid, my thoughts are supreme, in my personal realm of thought,
Maybe you too, will split the beam, and cash out on all you have bought.
Born this way, is what they say, and I am inclined to agree
All I want, in this strange alien world, is just to be let be.
Hoping you will listen to what I say
But it won't take long, it'll come out wrong, need a hit on my mental bong
My words here will bear witness, exercise them regularly for mental fitness
But my leg starts to shake, a little vocal earthquake, I know it's coming for christ's sake
Happens every time, even to a rhyme, you folks will think I've lost my mind
Asperger's syndrome is what it's called, builds a prison with infinite walls
But I didn't erect this social cage, I was never given the book, not even a page
I smoke the world through a different pipe, I question authority and don't believe the hype
Some think I'm defective, but I'm a social detective, thinking my way while being objective
You feel your way like the blind, While my thoughts approach from behind
Can you hear my voice crack, can you hear it waver? You're drinking the Kool-aid, but do you know the flavor?
You've always known I was different from you, to repel or embrace, just what could you do?
Your heart may know it's wrong to judge, but surely God could forgive this little smudge?
It seems okay to flow with the crowd, picking on the different, it's always allowed.
But those little freaks grow up to be me, their heart in pain, their souls not free
They don't let us know there's another way to flow, just the linear line of being
To conform and grow in the Creator's glow is all that they are seeing
My ways are valid, my thoughts are supreme, in my personal realm of thought,
Maybe you too, will split the beam, and cash out on all you have bought.
Born this way, is what they say, and I am inclined to agree
All I want, in this strange alien world, is just to be let be.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
The Homeless Life By Choice (kind of)
If you have read my previous blogs, you know I have a dream of self-sufficiency and living free. What I mean by this, in essence, is that I want to live my life without being controlled by others or indebted to others or dependent on others. I have tried various methods to accomplish this, and theorized many others. My current lifestyle is that of being homeless by choice. I say "by choice", because if Kim and I so chose, we could rent a room or studio. But in this area, the cost of such a thing, would ensure that we had zero money to expand our horizons, get out of debt, and eat healthy. I think this is the trap many Americans find themselves caught in. From cradle to grave, we are made to want certain things. A home, preferably owned. A vehicle, preferably a newer model. The latest clothing. The tastiest food. The best "education". The classiest entertainment. And if you can't afford these things, you are made to feel inferior to those who can. That is, unless you become one of the "proud poor", who cherish their generic brands, clunker cars, rented homes and trailers, processed food and crass entertainment. The latter folks mainly take pride in these things, not because they are "better" or "just as good", but because secretly they want the upper middleclass lifestyle, but know they will never attain it, so they take a false pride in what they CAN have, to dilute the shame they feel deep inside. But I have had a revelation; I believe these two "opposing" mindsets are actually both unhealthy, and designed to keep class warfare ongoing, instead of elevating our minds from the morass of nationalism, classism, and sensualism.
Nationalism keeps people interested in politics, for love of country. This makes sure those fiery individuals with potential for recruiting believers to their cause, will funnel that energy back into the system, the status quo, instead of actually initiating the real change required to further our species and our planet.
Classism keeps those who have a need to be "superior" basically chasing their tails. The energy and time required trying to "keep up with Joneses" and have the best of everything could be much better spent trying to figure out what things are truly needed in life, and what the far reaching effects of our entertainment based society is going to have. And of course, those too poor to play "the game" are left feeling dissatisfied, left-out, angry and uneducated. It seems, in our American society, the side of the Philosopher is ignored altogether. While his points cause introspection and concession during a talk, afterwards his words are soon forgotten, and the siren's call of sensualism takes hold once again.
Sensualism, by my definition, is when a person spends the majority of their time or energy trying to satisfy the senses. Whether it be taste buds, the ears, the eyes, or touch, many people choose to opt out of "the rat race" to pursue a world of sensual pleasure. "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die" rings true for many. While this mindset certainly seems more natural than that of those who choose to compete materially with each other, it still does nothing to promote the greater good or increase the actual happiness one receives from life. Sensory pleasure is illusory, not real. It is just signals interpreted by your brain. It is a form of masturbation. While these things are needed from time to time and are perfectly natural, as humans we have the ability to overdo things. We tend to see things in terms of instant gratification, instead of the far reaching effects. To know that, we need critical thinking and education. But not the kind you get in school. The education that matters most, is the kind you give yourself. The government will not provide you an education that will raise your mind above such petty issues as nationalism, politics, antiquated science, and capitalism. The future of our "nation" depends on the government keeping us "productive", meaning they need to keep us ignorant, buying things and making money, so they can continue to reap the taxes from it to support our military, which the threat of is used to bully the rest of the world into "our" way of thinking, thus keeping America "on top". After all, the person who makes the rules of the game, tends to win.
With all this in mind, I decided something had to be done. But what? For a long time, I railed against hypocrites, tried to spread philosophy, educated myself on all the other forms of thought and logic that I had been kept from. I tried using video and audio to show others. And I came to a sobering conclusion. Much like Morpheus in "The Matrix", when trying to explain to Neo why the average person can be an enemy, even though you want to save them. He said, "You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it."
So I stopped trying to "save" everyone, like a born again Christian, and instead decided to follow through with the realization that I can only control myself, and I am only responsible for myself. As Ghandi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world". I always thought that sounded more like a sound byte than a real truth, but now I get it. Whatever you do, think to yourself, "If everyone did this, what would the world be like?" So instead of asking "What would Jesus do?", I ask "What should everyone do?" And that is what I try to do. That is why I'm a raw Vegan. That is why I choose to live free instead of paying rent. That is why I choose to not slave away at a job I do not like for money I do not need to buy things that serve no real purpose, other than to distract you from the truth. It is also why I am writing this. For though I know that no one can see the path until they are ready, I hope that by me just putting what I know out on the net, maybe it might help someone who stumbles across it, on their own journey. I know in my own research, the writings of other thinking individuals caused a great many things to stir within me I had no idea were there. So here are the seeds of awakening. Get to watering!
Nationalism keeps people interested in politics, for love of country. This makes sure those fiery individuals with potential for recruiting believers to their cause, will funnel that energy back into the system, the status quo, instead of actually initiating the real change required to further our species and our planet.
Classism keeps those who have a need to be "superior" basically chasing their tails. The energy and time required trying to "keep up with Joneses" and have the best of everything could be much better spent trying to figure out what things are truly needed in life, and what the far reaching effects of our entertainment based society is going to have. And of course, those too poor to play "the game" are left feeling dissatisfied, left-out, angry and uneducated. It seems, in our American society, the side of the Philosopher is ignored altogether. While his points cause introspection and concession during a talk, afterwards his words are soon forgotten, and the siren's call of sensualism takes hold once again.
Sensualism, by my definition, is when a person spends the majority of their time or energy trying to satisfy the senses. Whether it be taste buds, the ears, the eyes, or touch, many people choose to opt out of "the rat race" to pursue a world of sensual pleasure. "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die" rings true for many. While this mindset certainly seems more natural than that of those who choose to compete materially with each other, it still does nothing to promote the greater good or increase the actual happiness one receives from life. Sensory pleasure is illusory, not real. It is just signals interpreted by your brain. It is a form of masturbation. While these things are needed from time to time and are perfectly natural, as humans we have the ability to overdo things. We tend to see things in terms of instant gratification, instead of the far reaching effects. To know that, we need critical thinking and education. But not the kind you get in school. The education that matters most, is the kind you give yourself. The government will not provide you an education that will raise your mind above such petty issues as nationalism, politics, antiquated science, and capitalism. The future of our "nation" depends on the government keeping us "productive", meaning they need to keep us ignorant, buying things and making money, so they can continue to reap the taxes from it to support our military, which the threat of is used to bully the rest of the world into "our" way of thinking, thus keeping America "on top". After all, the person who makes the rules of the game, tends to win.
With all this in mind, I decided something had to be done. But what? For a long time, I railed against hypocrites, tried to spread philosophy, educated myself on all the other forms of thought and logic that I had been kept from. I tried using video and audio to show others. And I came to a sobering conclusion. Much like Morpheus in "The Matrix", when trying to explain to Neo why the average person can be an enemy, even though you want to save them. He said, "You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it."
So I stopped trying to "save" everyone, like a born again Christian, and instead decided to follow through with the realization that I can only control myself, and I am only responsible for myself. As Ghandi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world". I always thought that sounded more like a sound byte than a real truth, but now I get it. Whatever you do, think to yourself, "If everyone did this, what would the world be like?" So instead of asking "What would Jesus do?", I ask "What should everyone do?" And that is what I try to do. That is why I'm a raw Vegan. That is why I choose to live free instead of paying rent. That is why I choose to not slave away at a job I do not like for money I do not need to buy things that serve no real purpose, other than to distract you from the truth. It is also why I am writing this. For though I know that no one can see the path until they are ready, I hope that by me just putting what I know out on the net, maybe it might help someone who stumbles across it, on their own journey. I know in my own research, the writings of other thinking individuals caused a great many things to stir within me I had no idea were there. So here are the seeds of awakening. Get to watering!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Reflections on the more "unpleasant" side of Salvia
The concepts of "Heaven" and "Hell" seem infantile and comparable to The Easter Bunny and Santa Claus, when held along side the infinite horrors revealed as possibilities when tripping on Salvia. Burning for eternity in hell seems preferable to the thought of plummeting through the black hole of infinite space time, at the same time being no one and nothing but feeling extreme fear, unease, your soul unraveling, mind being pulled apart like taffy, your consciousness dissolving....having it torn apart and put back together again, not knowing who or what you are...it is a reality I have felt, and tremble even now thinking of it. Hell-fire may or may not exist, but I now know it is possible to become lost in space-time, with no true bearing on "reality", whatever that really is. Horrifying.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Smoked plain Salvia leaves, no extract. Written while coming down.
(First hit) It's temporary and it'll be over soon (life, and the uncomfortable unpleasantness of it)....I was at a sports game as a child...like soccer or something....but it wasn't real...it's the dream world....and i felt like I wanted to get up and go but I was stuck to that world...like a piece of tape or a sticker...two dimensional... there were people there...it felt like they were my mother and the coach...getting impatient...but not anyone I knew from "my real" past....I felt reality roll away, and those people were part of the "sheet" of reality being swept away..I realized that if I tried to describe any of this to people in this fake reality, they would not be able to comprehend it, them being only "2-D". How do you describe reality to someone who's never experienced it?
(Second hit) It was as if I was a little boy....under the couch....and I had fallen
asleep....and that the "real world" was all just a dream...that the world
we're I'm a little boy asleep under a couch, in the 1980's is the real
world....I feel like I am anticipating my mother or grandmother reaching
under the couch, and gently pulling me out from under it. Aparently I had
been playing "hide and seek" and fell asleep, only to dream this world of
2011. I cannot tell which, if either, world is real. For, while it
appears to me now that THIS world is real, the world of 1980's under the
couch seemed just as real then. The surety of the "realness" was
astounding.
(3rd hit) I can;t focus on the real world. The world I was at.... I could only focus
on one part, just a pillar. The pillar was all I could see and pay
attention to. It felt like I was missing a much greater whole by just
focusing on a fancy part, a part that really had no meaning...and I
remember thinking..."damn I can't stop looking at this stupid pole...I'm
missing the real thing.
(4th hit) I remember them....boy they don't want me to, but I do.... as I was being
rolled into the whole "little boy under a couch" reality, it peeled away
and the transition was supposed to be as a feminine family member pulling me out from under the couch as I wakened to the half-asleep state where you
can kind-of remember your dreams, but then it paused because I caught
them. I caught the beings that have to roll your realities. They, when
approached, give off a feeling of familiarity, and peacefulness. Like a
loving, close family member...but they screwed up. I didn't HAVE any
loving family members...so it seemed a little off from the start. That's
when they knew they had been caught, There was a feeling of "What now?"
coming from them, then dissapointment. I felt bad for them and told them
"It's okay, you can...ummm....you can try to impersonate my Dad!" (I was
trying to give them an image to give me to fit the disguise they
apparently needed to interact with me. My father was the only positive
influence from my childhood.
(Second hit) It was as if I was a little boy....under the couch....and I had fallen
asleep....and that the "real world" was all just a dream...that the world
we're I'm a little boy asleep under a couch, in the 1980's is the real
world....I feel like I am anticipating my mother or grandmother reaching
under the couch, and gently pulling me out from under it. Aparently I had
been playing "hide and seek" and fell asleep, only to dream this world of
2011. I cannot tell which, if either, world is real. For, while it
appears to me now that THIS world is real, the world of 1980's under the
couch seemed just as real then. The surety of the "realness" was
astounding.
(3rd hit) I can;t focus on the real world. The world I was at.... I could only focus
on one part, just a pillar. The pillar was all I could see and pay
attention to. It felt like I was missing a much greater whole by just
focusing on a fancy part, a part that really had no meaning...and I
remember thinking..."damn I can't stop looking at this stupid pole...I'm
missing the real thing.
(4th hit) I remember them....boy they don't want me to, but I do.... as I was being
rolled into the whole "little boy under a couch" reality, it peeled away
and the transition was supposed to be as a feminine family member pulling me out from under the couch as I wakened to the half-asleep state where you
can kind-of remember your dreams, but then it paused because I caught
them. I caught the beings that have to roll your realities. They, when
approached, give off a feeling of familiarity, and peacefulness. Like a
loving, close family member...but they screwed up. I didn't HAVE any
loving family members...so it seemed a little off from the start. That's
when they knew they had been caught, There was a feeling of "What now?"
coming from them, then dissapointment. I felt bad for them and told them
"It's okay, you can...ummm....you can try to impersonate my Dad!" (I was
trying to give them an image to give me to fit the disguise they
apparently needed to interact with me. My father was the only positive
influence from my childhood.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Chewed Salvia
I did some research online and found that chewed Salvia is also a viable way of ingesting the Salvinorin A psychedelic compound. I decided to try it, as I had only "smoked" salvia before. They say chewing it is milder, but lasts longer. Here is the result (I chewed a bunch of leaves, 8 grams dried worth, at 4 in the morning, sitting in the dark, on the couch, just the light of my laptop shining back at me);
I remember the first two twips now.... being stuck in the 80's...I was seeingly laying down in the driveway/carpet of a 1980's house, and the "abc" logo, how it used to roll sideways and be all "trippy" as it "rollled" by after a cartoon, like in He-Man during the credits...it felt like all of reality was peeling away like that....that I was apart of that past, not that I was IN that past, that my family was "over there", that they all knew me, that my life with them was normal and typical, and they wanted me to quit "playing around" and come on. Come on doing what? I don't know. It feels like we were all supposed to go somewhere...or that that i WAS MISSING OUT ON COOKIES.
Oh shit i feel it now.....how do I turn the italics off? I remember from that past trip....chips ahoy cookies...hot wheels race track....bowling....that this life is all a dream and I just need to wAKE UP, AS A CHILD. I'm a child, a kid, somewhere else....help me....someone must know.,justin find them find who knows...find the truth...find the truth,,,they know someone must know keep searching you are on the right path keep looking don't stop this isn't just drugs
being rolled AWAY LIKE BOWLING
I remember thinking "Hmmm okay....this is not real. Soon, mom and the guys will lift the cover (Of the couch? Curtains? Tablecloth?) and this crazy trip will be over....the scrary part, is that the charcter who's world and body I had jumped in, had seeminly also jumped into this body and time here. He was just as confused and scared as me?
He was little boy
he IS a little boy'
I remember the first two twips now.... being stuck in the 80's...I was seeingly laying down in the driveway/carpet of a 1980's house, and the "abc" logo, how it used to roll sideways and be all "trippy" as it "rollled" by after a cartoon, like in He-Man during the credits...it felt like all of reality was peeling away like that....that I was apart of that past, not that I was IN that past, that my family was "over there", that they all knew me, that my life with them was normal and typical, and they wanted me to quit "playing around" and come on. Come on doing what? I don't know. It feels like we were all supposed to go somewhere...or that that i WAS MISSING OUT ON COOKIES.
Oh shit i feel it now.....how do I turn the italics off? I remember from that past trip....chips ahoy cookies...hot wheels race track....bowling....that this life is all a dream and I just need to wAKE UP, AS A CHILD. I'm a child, a kid, somewhere else....help me....someone must know.,justin find them find who knows...find the truth...find the truth,,,they know someone must know keep searching you are on the right path keep looking don't stop this isn't just drugs
being rolled AWAY LIKE BOWLING
I remember thinking "Hmmm okay....this is not real. Soon, mom and the guys will lift the cover (Of the couch? Curtains? Tablecloth?) and this crazy trip will be over....the scrary part, is that the charcter who's world and body I had jumped in, had seeminly also jumped into this body and time here. He was just as confused and scared as me?
He was little boy
he IS a little boy'
Monday, May 9, 2011
Written while coming down from a Salvia trip
I know now. Even in this foggy, cartoon world, some semblance of perception from the REAL world remains. The substancless of all in this "video game" world is obvious, at least for now. The "real" me will soon become enveloped in a hazy mirage, a facsimile of a world that I wonder if ever truly existed. The game is, on one level, complex and amazing in it's "reality". But I now see that the key to "believing" in this reality (the one you have to exist in to read this) is by being drugged. I don't know how it's done. But the effects are still the same. We all exist, in peace and harmony, (as best as can be described with language) in a place of purity. Purity. That is the word I would use, but with all the power you can muster behind it. This world is a lie. To be exact, what we BELIEVE about the world is a lie. The world itself is neither illusory or real, just a thing doing what it was designed to do. I used to believe that this "reality" was designed to teach us something during the course of a lifetime. Now, I'm not so sure. I don't know about everyone else, but I know that my real home is not here. I was just there, and it felt great. In order to get back to where I came from, I did not have to physically go anywhere. Instead, my consciousness traveled back in time to before I was born. To the place where you are, before being brought into this world. It is beautiful and pure. There is love, and companionship, you are never alone, and yet you are never "observed". You just are, as is everyone else. Then, as best as my brain could decipher what was going on, it appeared that I was being pulled up into the sky, and for a while, during that process, I could see into this world, by opening my eyes...closing them -back there-, open them and -back here-. Except, in this state, the world here took on a whole new perspective. The falsity of this world was obvious. It's a sham, and for me, a poorly designed one at that. I know that's critical, and I feel like I may hurt the feelings of whoever designed this character for me, but let's face it. My characters life, and starting position have all sucked majorly. Poorly written, boring. I could see my living room (where I was tripping), as though it were a scene in the panels of a comic book. And the funny thing, is it appeared to be the "scene" of a comic strip BEFORE the characters have arrived to fill it. Like how a set would look before the director and actors showed up to work. It was like I caught a glimpse "back scenes". Imagine if you watched a soap opera all your life, and you became so obsessed with it, that you felt the characters were real, you began to relate to them, and it became how you viewed your world. Then, imagine one day a friend of yours, knowing you are a fan, took you to see a taping of the show. You would see what happens between takes, see the actors act like their REAL selves, etc.... Imagine then, now knowing that the show you love is just a story, meant to entertain you, imagine trying to go back to your normal life, of being obsessed with the soap opera. You would not be able to. The image of it's reality would have shattered the idealistic image you had. You could never go back...not unless something drugged you and once again tried to convince you that the soap IS real, that the "behind the scenes" trip was just a drug someone slipped you, it wasn't real..and in your intoxicated state, you fall back into it....
That is what is happening here. I did NOT want to leave the real world when I was taken back, yet I have no recollection of what was going on a few minutes BEFORE I got snatched up into the clouds to come back here. The clearest memory I have of the event, was seeing how utterly ridiculous this world is, how I could NOT BELIEVE how anyone would think this shit is real, and then I remembered that when you come here, your brain gets all fucked up and you can't think straight. Luckily at the time, I was THERE, not HERE and I could see this cartoony backdrop for what it was. I want a new character!
5/9/2011
Justin?
That is what is happening here. I did NOT want to leave the real world when I was taken back, yet I have no recollection of what was going on a few minutes BEFORE I got snatched up into the clouds to come back here. The clearest memory I have of the event, was seeing how utterly ridiculous this world is, how I could NOT BELIEVE how anyone would think this shit is real, and then I remembered that when you come here, your brain gets all fucked up and you can't think straight. Luckily at the time, I was THERE, not HERE and I could see this cartoony backdrop for what it was. I want a new character!
5/9/2011
Justin?
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Bin Laden Dead, to rejoice or not?
When I heard the news, I felt so happy. I felt a dark cloud lift from America. I know I am not the only one. However, upon reading facebook and online news comments, I see there is a minority stating it's not good to rejoice in Osama's death. Peace-activists and such, which, if you read my blog, you'll know I am.
I believe the greatest crime one can commit, and really the only true crime that exists, is when you exert your will forcefully onto another human. Whether it's physically, psychologically, emotionally, etc... So, the more people you affect this way, the worse you are as a "person", where person is defined as a human that at the minimum inflicts no harm to other beings. When one of these people are removed from the world, by whatever means, it is a time of rejoicing for humanity, for it replaces a bit of the balance that was lost, when one person grows too powerful in a negative way. We all have positive and negative in us, but rarely do we attain such power over others, as to organize our singular will over the sheepish minds of the masses. I rejoice in the death of Osama. I am not thrilled it was an execution, a trial would have been awesome. However we all know how it would have ended. Rarely in a single persons lifetime can such a powerful personality captivate the minds of those angered, confused masses for such diabolical deeds.
REJOICE!!!!
I believe the greatest crime one can commit, and really the only true crime that exists, is when you exert your will forcefully onto another human. Whether it's physically, psychologically, emotionally, etc... So, the more people you affect this way, the worse you are as a "person", where person is defined as a human that at the minimum inflicts no harm to other beings. When one of these people are removed from the world, by whatever means, it is a time of rejoicing for humanity, for it replaces a bit of the balance that was lost, when one person grows too powerful in a negative way. We all have positive and negative in us, but rarely do we attain such power over others, as to organize our singular will over the sheepish minds of the masses. I rejoice in the death of Osama. I am not thrilled it was an execution, a trial would have been awesome. However we all know how it would have ended. Rarely in a single persons lifetime can such a powerful personality captivate the minds of those angered, confused masses for such diabolical deeds.
REJOICE!!!!
Monday, April 25, 2011
(an account of my 1 and half day wilderness jaunt, back in October)
Wilderness Trip Day 2 October 11th, 2010
Day two, you ask? What happened to Day one? Well, I'll start from the beginning.
Day 1 Kim and I had a great trip up here to Golden Trout Wilderness Trailhead, called "Jerkey" Trailhead. Upon
arriving, there was a bit of confusion as to where I should start. There was a volunteer ranger around, so we
asked him. His response; "Well, by HORSE, it takes 45 minutes to get to the first split, another 45 minutes to
the second split, another 45 to the third split, then another 4 hours to get to the lakes, where you're going."Upon hearing that, I should have re-thought this whole thing, But, stubborn as always, I disregarded the fact
that horses walk 4 times faster than humans. It was over 80 degrees and I knew water could be an issue. But
for some odd reason, I had assumed that even though the lakes would take me one or two days to get to, that
the river itself would appear MUCH sooner, solving my water problems. So Kim followed me for a little, then we
hugged and kissed and she left. I was completely alone and resource-less, except for my small amount of gear.
I brought no food, so that I would be forced to get it from the land.The land is beautiful. But at first, I wasn't able to appreciate much of it, as I was so tired, all my focus was on
keeping moving forward. I had to stop and rest countless times. Upon one such rest, I noticed something,
someone had left a medical bottle of WEED on a log, half full!! WTF?>! Damn stoners, lol. I pocketed it, of
course. I wasn't sure if I would be able to smoke it, since I didn't bring a lighter, just my firesteel. Halfway before
I made camp, I noticed how tired I was getting, and what slow progress I was making, It was at this point that I
began to doubt the river was close by. A little fear crept in. But I renounced that fear and kept truckin'. The sun
was getting low in the sky, sometimes completely hidden by the peaks I was surrounded by. And so, as I
hiked, I began looking for a good place to set up camp. But I waited too long. I new I didn't have time to build a
fire AND shelter, so I opted to find a natural shelter and build a fire there. I came upon this great big boulder
formation, one of the largest I'd seen, and it had a perfect little over-hang that I could just squeeze into. Since
shelter had been found, a fire was seriously needed. Had I built my own shelter, it would have been insulated
from the cold. But this natural one was very drafty and cold. So I gathered some firewood, used dry pine
needles for tinder and began throwing sparks at it with my firesteel. Over-and-over-and-over!! It just would NOT
ignite! And by this time, it was completely dark, only star light provided any illumination for me.So I couldn't search for better tinder. In a flash of genius, I tore a page out of my "Forager's Harvest" and tried
to use that. But glossy stock just doesn't work well. I think my problem, was the air is too thin. And I was
dealing with "altitude sickness". 10,000 ft up, most people that get it feel nauseous and get headaches. I was nauseous
and threw up twice, losing precious fluid. I knew I had a cold, COLD night ahead of me. So I put on every piece
of clothing I had. My thermal underwear, my extra pair of socks, my Nike shirt and my sleeveless shirt. The pair of shorts I
used as a pillow. Since I stopped at dark, I'm guessing it was seven or eight. So, for the next 12 hours or more,
I tried to sleep, since I was SO exhausted. Oh, and I wore my hoody sweatshirt. But sleep would not come. I couldn't stop shivering, my teeth kept chattering, and since I had spotted bear
scat less than 500 yards away, (with both bear and mountain lion tracks on the trail) and had no fire to ward off
mountain lions, I kept one eye open and felt a true instinctual fear. Visions of being ripped from my hidey-hole
by large teeth and claws haunted me as I drifted into sleep for minutes at a time, then back awake for 30 minutes or so. All
night it was a miserable HELL. I tried every position imaginable, but my feet kept sticking out, so they were by far
the coldest part of me. Kim would have fit perfect. Baby, if you're reading and/or transcribing this for me, I just
want you to know, I love you. I love you so much. You are a truly amazing woman, and I will never forget that.
You can choose to omit that from the typed version, or leave it in. :)So, I watch the sunrise, which would be awesome, but I'm just too cold to care. I did find a chokecherry bush
loaded with cherries, which I picked, they tasted really good but I was still nauseous from either: a) lack of food;
b) lack of water; or c) altitude sickness. Still am, in fact.I packed up my gear, and got back on the trail. I had gone for, maybe 30 minutes to an hour, and it kept
getting steeper and steeper. I realized, that even if I could somehow make it over the mountain into the river
valley, I would be so exhausted. And I already WAS exhausted. It occurred to me that my body had already used
it's energy stores, and would be using fat to keep me alive. That process requires water. Which I didn't have. Then I imagined, after
17 days out there, I would have to hike back, weak , and no-telling in what frame of mind. It was a hard decision to make, with so much time and energy put into the mountain lake excursion. So, I decided to head
back, and then figure things out from there.The trip back was long and arduous. I was actually quite proud of myself from the day before. The walk back
was mostly downhill, and I STILL had to stop a lot. So the fact that I made it that far UPHILL blew me away.
"So Here I sit, broken-hearted. Had to shit, but only farted."
That sums up how I feel right now. I have no idea
if I will wait it out here, and have Kim pick me up on the 27th like we planned, or have a ranger call and come
early. We shall see. I have water here, and big outhouses. If I have to, I can sleep in there.
October 13th, 2010 - Wednesday
So maybe you are wondering, what happened? Well, as I was writing Monday's entry, the words of The Clash
kept ringing in my ears; "Should I Stay or Should I Go Now? If I go there will be trouble, if I stay it will be
double." Which is kind of funny, because during the entire 4 mile hike back to trailhead. I had "I Saw The Sign" stuck in
my head. "Life is demanding, without understanding". Man, truer words were never spoken. So, as I pondered,
I looked at the camp sites around the trailhead. Very nice, but I still needed to make a fire and shelter if I
planned to stay.It was at this point that I came to terms with the most debilitating factor of my trip. Altitude sickness. The website I had done most of my research on this area with had warned of it. I had
vastly underestimated how serious it can be in a survival situation. In all the survival shows I'd watched and
research I'd done, the one thing I hadn't factored on was, what if, in my survival scenario, I became exhausted
or sick? I rarely get sick, and I figured I wouldn't get exhausted, even with my over-heating condition, because I
could go at my own pace. I was wrong on both counts. The steep 4 mile hike up the Sierra Nevada's Sequoia
National Forest and into the Golden Trout Wilderness had been way more strenuous than I had planned. One
of my toes had a blister the size of a marble, and many more were forming. There was zero electricity or
phones, or people for that matter. The closest settlement was 17 miles away.And now, with exhaustion, and the altitude sickness, I could no longer think clearly or summon the energy to try
to make a fire of shelter. I now understood how it was possible for Chris McCandless to die out there in Alaska, so close to civilization. I didn't want to die, so I decided to get Kim to come get me. I felt like a huge failure, for not completing what I
set out to do. Now that I knew I wanted to go home, the only task left was to wait for someone to come to the end of this 17
mile road in the middle of nowhere. It looked like I had yet another cold night here in the wilderness.But with the outhouses and water spicket, I felt much better about my chances. One problem; the altitude
sickness was getting worse. I puked twice more, felt weak, disoriented and the unbearable nausea was the
worst I'd ever felt. And then, just an hour or so before dark, a jeep pulled up. THANK YOU!!!! The mexican
driver and his filipino friend, after hearing my story, agreed to go to a phone and call Kim for me. They even
gave me FOOD!! I took two bites and threw it up. How sad, to be blessed so, and have it wasted. I put the rest
of my burrito in my backpack and hoped the ants wouldn't find it. I knew there was a chance the guys might not call for me, but I was hopeful. With renewed hope and energy, I
entered the outhouse and hunkered down for the night. As expected, the concrete was cold and hard, even
with all my clothing on. For a second night in a row, I was sleeping in my cowboy boots. "Hmmm..." I thought,
"Maybe this is what being a cowboy is like" But then I remembered, Cowboys have HORSES and that I
wouldn't be suffering like this, had I one as well. In fact, the trail to the lakes is mainly used by folks on horseback, and part of it is even a cattle drive during
certain times of the year. Pretty narrow, too. They must go single-file.
As you can imagine, with no moon, no electricity and no fire, that mountain was pretty dark, especially in the
outhouse. I tried to sleep but every time the monstrous wind blew through the trees, it sounded like freeway
traffic, and I kept hoping it was Kim. Those guys hadn't come back, so I assumed they were either waiting till
tomorrow to come back, or they flaked on me. At one thirty in the morning, I found out.
KIM ARRIVED!!!
The drive from Orange County is 6 hours so it took her a while, but she made it!!!When she arrived, my worries were put to rest. She wasn't mad, she wasn't disappointed, or even grumpy. She
was just as happy to see me as I was to see her. After hugging for what seemed a very blissful eternity, I drove
us back to Orange County, fighting nausea the whole way.So, I spent two sunsets in a true mountain wilderness. Far short of the 17 days I had hope for , but I did learn a
few things.1) Bears and Mountain Lions are much scarier when you are sleeping under a boulder with no fire.2) I'm no Mountain-Man. At least not a 10,000 ft high Mountain-Man. Altitude sickness is NO JOKE.3) That wilderness skills should be nearly perfected in a controlled environment, BEFORE a wilderness trip.4) That blind excitement and a Superman complex can end very badly.5) And this is the most important. I have gained perspective. All the little things I bitch and moan about are
nothing when confronted with a true survival scenario. Had I been just a day or two later in getting Altitude Sickness, there would have been no way I could have
made it back to the trailhead. Unless someone stumbled upon me, I would have died. I was lucky. I have a
new-found appreciation for the things that truly matter in my life. Namely, Kim, Dad and a hope for a better life
through simplicity. My dream of self-sufficiency is not over, just delayed. I believe it will be a "piece-by-piece"
experience now, instead of a crash-course.
All in all, this was a very humbling experience. And maybe that is why I had it. In order to go through the
transformation that I hope to achieve, my ego must die. And it's well on its way. By the way, I completely
forgot to bring my camera. But when Kim left to go back, after dropping me off, she took a great pic that I'll
post, of the mountains I was in.
Pretty ragged after my experience!
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