A new idea!

A thought has just occurred to me, that I believe will change much!  All this time, my being "avoidant" MAY have been caused by me losing my job as manager, back in 2007/2008.  For years, I had grown accustomed to seeing myself as "the manager".  It was something I had been after for years, mainly because whenever I got a job someplace, it seemed the only job worth actually having was the manager's.  All else seemed like peasant work and I assured myself I was no peasant!

My plan was to get a job, show the boss I was capable and then look for an opportunity to get ahead.  Job after job, I tried this.  Job after job, I found the process to be too long and tedious.  Then I stumbled upon Mom's Appliance.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, and also my ravenous desire for a management position, within 3 months I was running the store.  I liked being in charge.  It was as great as I had dreamed.  Over time, that small amount of power went to my head.  All my life, I have always played a role.  Never been "me".  This time, I was playing "Manager" role.  My "depression" (as I viewed it then) was still a big factor, but by being in charge, whenever I had to call in, I could finagle things around so that the owner never knew I hadn't shown up.  As long as sales were good, he stayed off my back.  I was able to stay manager of that store, and another store, for a total of about 3 years.  A record for me.  But eventually circumstances turned, and the desire to be manager was no longer a passion within me.  I was tired of playing that role.  What would be next?  After stumbling a few times, I realized I no longer wanted to role play any longer.  I wanted to be me.  Whatever that was.  And when you realize that you don't really know who YOU are, apart from a set of preferences gathered from friends and family, then things can get crazy.

But finally, today, i realized that my social phobia was based on my wanting to still be seen as "the manager" but not being able to play that role.  That caused a dilemma in my mind, at a subconscious level, manifesting itself as a deeply disturbed feeling around other people.  Now that I see it, I can manually disarm this "mind bomb" because I DON'T want to be seen as "the manager" anymore.  I don't want to be seen as ANYTHING.  Just see me for me, whatever your mind interprets that information to be.  :)