A Cliche With A Happy Ending

Soon Kim and I will be embarking on two epic journeys in the same month.  Epic Journey number one; leaving the "housed" life and embracing the free life.  A life of minimalism, anti-materialism, and being able to grasp a few more grains of sand as time slips through our fingers.  We will live in her car, a Scion box type hatchback.  Kim has a job, one that she loves, so we'll still have money.  But even with money, rent here in SoCal makes it so you can't really get ahead unless you have a middle-class income.  We have solved that problem.  First, we pay off Kim's car by making 2 payments a month instead of one.  Not possible when paying rent, but very possible when NOT paying rent.  Then, we save for an RV.  So, in a nut-shell, the first journey is the journey to freedom.  (of course, logistics like bathing and looking good for work have already been taken care of)

Journey number 2 is basically an opening celebration of journey number one.  We will be taking an awesome road trip from Orange Co where we live in SoCal, east across the south to GA where I have family I haven't seen since 2003.  Then we head north along the Atlantic coast, where Kim has never been.  Eventually we'll see DC, New York and all the sites associated with this.  Then we head west, coming upon the last major stop of the trip, Yellowstone.  We hope to spend a week there.  Over one month on the road, taking our time, actually experiencing these places, sleeping in the car, breathing the air. Not rushing through as fast as possible trying to get from point a to point b, then staying the rest of the time in hotels.  

This brings me to the cliche sort of mentioned in the title. "If you really love something, set it free, if it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with."  This sounds cheesy and most folks know it.  But we have 2 pet lady rats named Cloudy and Lightning.  They live in a cage and also gets lots of free-roam time here in the apt.  I did not think it fair to keep them cooped in the car with Kim, me and Stormy (our cat), without first letting them have a chance at freedom.  I felt compelled to release them into the wild, to let them choose.  A little voice said "If you let them go, you'll never see them again."  And I knew I was ok with that.  Part of developing the walk of an enlightened person, is learning to let go of past attachments and not generating new attachments.  I love those little buggers but I know I can not truly own anything, much less another living being.  So I was excited to give them their chance at freedom, regardless of the outcome.  

There is a nice protected wetlands near us called Bolsa Chica. It's a wetlands that runs into the ocean, lots of rabbits and squirrels.  Since rats are rodents, and so are rabbits and squirrels, I figured they would get along well.  Kim and I walked a little of the path, deep into the wetlands, and let them loose into the brush.  I also placed a bag of food and attached their waterbottle to a nearby chain link fence.  We stayed and played with Cloudy for a while.  She kept coming back to play, and Lightning had run off exploring.  As we left, Kim cried and I felt a little sad too.  I knew we were doing the right thing though.

One week later, the day before Kim's birthday, we went back.  We brought some animal crackers, to help our odds of finding them again.  That little voice spoke in my head once more, "They have long since departed the area you dropped them off at.  It'll be like a needle in a haystack"  But I knew we had to try.  So we arrive at the spot, throw a few animal crackers at our feet, and begin calling their names.  Most people don't know this, but rats will come to their names, same way a dog will.  And guess what?  First Cloudy showed up, then Lightning!  A little worse for wear but otherwise healthy, we took it as a sign that they liked living in their cage with unlimited food, water and love.  Boy did they chow down when we got them home! Kim's birthday became that much better :)

Fallout (a poem told from the perspective of the main character in Fallout 3)

As I fall to the floor, death closing in
I remember my actions, of good and of sin

The G.O.A.T. never knew it would end like this
Entering the wasteland to leave childhood bliss

Who knew pure water, safety and friends
Would be so important for the soul to cleanse?

Following in father's steps, out the great Vault door
Leaving everything behind, a child no more

In search of paternal understanding,
I found that life can be quite demanding

Nothing is free, and everyone has their price
In the DC Ruins, it doesn't pay to be nice

The man in the suit wanted to set off the bomb
A bullet in his head and the man was "dead calm"

Maybe he could have been persuaded
I finally see, that I was jaded

So much blood has been spilled at my hands
All because those killed would have spoiled my plans

Do the ends justify the means?
Is everything truly as it seems?

After saving father from Tranquility Lane
The deeds to do so almost drove me insane

Dad and son, now working together
Like minds, birds of a feather

Til the Enclave arrived and threatened the free
Father gave his life so that we could flee

Nothing left but the mission and a head full of pain
I emptied my agony in a hail of nuclear rain

With no help from the Brotherhood of Steel
I took all the Plasma weapons a brother could steal

Friends can be found in the unlikeliest of places
Vault 87 showed Super Mutants have many faces

Faukes was released and to show his grat,
He obtained the G.E.C.K. and tipped his hat

But the drama never ends, and soon I was in hell
Kidnapped by power-armored fascists and locked in a cell

A bee in a hornet's nest, with a little help from above
This Enclave president was no peaceful dove

To remake the world in their own image is what they sought
And it was against this ideology that we all fought

Raven Rock in flames, I had to be beat the clock
But lo as I exited the ruins, my good friend Faukes!

I can still see him laughing and shooting with delight
As he brought the soldiers and vertibirds down from flight

Missing my father, I took Faukes along
Great company, except when he sings a song

Scavengers and merchants were met by the way-side
I gained fame as co-author of the Wasteland Survival Guide

Three Dog sung my praises but my heart continued to be heavy
Murderous deeds and other things were barely held back by the levee

After following Liberty Prime in the hopes of a brighter tomorrow
I found myself here, with only choices that bring sorrow

Allow Sarah to enter the irradiated chamber and save us all
Or pay for my sins and finally take the fall
And so I fall....
And so I fall....

More beliefs, subject to change! :)

1)  That this life is nothing more than an advanced form of virtual reality, where nothing is truly real, other than the living beings you encounter.  The bodies are fake, but the consciousness driving the body is real.  The purpose of this VR is unclear, though it appears to be a training simulator, where the participants learn a series of things by living different "lives".  Just like in a video game, when you die, you start over as a new character, seemingly equal to your last, except you have gained wisdom and learned lessons with your last character that you will not have to learn again, so this life you spend experiencing other things.  This process repeats, over and over.  Buddha said you can escape this process much earlier, and end the suffering one endures within it.  To do this, one must become "enlightened", which means basically that you learn to see reality for what it really is.  Once you see this, your suffering stops, because you realize it's all just a game.  Not many people, especially Buddhists, would put it quite this way, but it is true nonetheless.

2) That though suffering is caused by false ideas and ignorance, the suffering itself is very real, because you can measure it's results.  So, because suffering is real, when you encounter it in the world, be compassionate.  If you understand that the world is false, chances are the person you encounter does NOT understand this, and suffers fully.  Feel their pain.  Remember your own.  Just as a normal person is so caught up in their own pain that they fail to see the pain they are causing in others, an "enlightened" person can become so detached from the world because they realize it's all just a simulator, that they fail to remember that the pain in others is REAL.  Remain grounded to the suffering of others.

3) Because the suffering of other living beings is real, one must refrain from CAUSING suffering to these beings.  Causing pain is a "negative" action, one which lowers your own and others "experience" and makes life worse as a result.  Some call this Karma.

4) Cause and effect is the true law of nature, and the only real law here in this "reality".  It is responsible for all that exists, and all that ever will.  Once the machine was set in motion (some call this "The Big Bang", I call it "Beginning The Simulator"), simple cause and effect predicated all that would ever happen.  This means that TRUE free will does not exist, since when you choose something, the variables which caused you to choose that specific thing are so numerous and varied, that there is no way it could all be consciously considered.  Instead, all that we do is pure reaction, controlled by every single event we have ever experienced, from our own unique perspective.

5)Our inner monologue or values system is truly just a justification system to rationally explain why we do what we do, instead of giving in to the maddening truth that we aren't really in control of what happens next.  For a person immersed into the world of the VR, the better they are at justifying their actions and life experiences, the better mental health that person has.  Hence why psychology is becoming so popular.  It promises all the answers to our ever growing psychosis.  Psychosis caused by living a life that deep down subconsciously we know is not real.  Through psychology, we gain ever more complex explanations for why our actions betray our values, or why our thoughts betray our actions.  We grow ever more confident that the answers to life can be gained from a psychologist or scientist, instead of from our own experience.  We rely on others expertise, because we are caught in a system of dependence on external stimulation.  We have to spend a large portion of our lives working for a wage in order to afford that external stimulation, thus depriving us of the time required to develop insight and wisdom of our own. Through this lack of wisdom or insight, we either seek out religion (which again is dependence upon others) or we seek science to give the answers that will put our curiosity at ease.  Surely using others viewpoints and opinions as a launching point of your own ideas is a practical and useful method, but too many people get "stuck on the diving board" instead of actually launching unique ideas.

6)Though anger is real, it is almost ALWAYS caused by ignorance, and therefore not to be trusted whenever it arises.  It must be dissected and analyzed before being responded to, in order to maintain it's authenticity.  Anger usually arises out of wounded pride.  This is NOT a good response to wounded pride.  Pride comes from a belief in the "self".  That the physical body and persona that is being maligned is "you".  And that this "you" is being insulted in some way and will cause that person and others to doubt the validity of this "self-image", this idol that represents "you".  We panic in these situations and arise in anger to defend our self-image.  But really, that is not "you".  It just a collection of processes that has a vague awareness of itself.  The real you is somewhere else, just watching the adventure unfold like the most lifelike movie you've ever seen!  Except YOU are actually playing a role as well!  How cool, right?  But just like how some people get so into a movie, that they yell at the screen or wonder why the stupid bitch decides to open that door, most people get so caught up in their "story" that they forget it's not real, and grow defensive of their character, thinking it to be them.  Do not do this.  Always remain equanimous, for growing happy or sad or angry at anything that happens here, is to be reacting to a game as though it were real.  This causes many delusions and psychosis.  Fear, comes first.  Fear of loss.  Fear of pain.  Fear of death.  To alleviate this pain, this paralyzing illusion, we engage in yet more illusions.  Fear of loss? Well just get so much of "it", that you'll never run out!  Fear of pain?  Well just make enough money that you can pay any doctor or shrink to take any pain away that you may ever have!  Fear of death?  Well just have children, a male preferably!  They will ensure your bloodline continues, which is ALMOST as good as living forever, right?  All this reaction to fear, is called greed.  Greed is ALWAYS a reaction to fear.  The greedier a person is, the more scared he is.  His greed is the remedy to his fear, replacing one psychosis for another, but instead of just harming himself, the greed harms himself AND those from whom he takes more than his share.

7)  That you are not to interfere in the experience of others.  Of course, as you will inevitably interact with other living beings, you will affect their world, and they yours.  Knowing this, try to make the affect a positive one, for it will ensure your experience will stay pleasurable and you will have the knowledge that you aided another on their journey.  However, in other circumstances, such as trying to dictate how others should live their life, never try to impose your views on others.  This never works out.  Not unless you have an army behind your back.  Just live your life, make your views known but do not condemn others, even if their actions seem cruel and ignorant.  Know that these people are on their own path, and you have NO IDEA what part of the path they are on,  Unless they just so happen to be at the right part, the only effect your ranting will get is condemnation and a bad impression of the truth.  If they ask, explain, and do so with kindness and understanding.

A new idea!

A thought has just occurred to me, that I believe will change much!  All this time, my being "avoidant" MAY have been caused by me losing my job as manager, back in 2007/2008.  For years, I had grown accustomed to seeing myself as "the manager".  It was something I had been after for years, mainly because whenever I got a job someplace, it seemed the only job worth actually having was the manager's.  All else seemed like peasant work and I assured myself I was no peasant!

My plan was to get a job, show the boss I was capable and then look for an opportunity to get ahead.  Job after job, I tried this.  Job after job, I found the process to be too long and tedious.  Then I stumbled upon Mom's Appliance.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, and also my ravenous desire for a management position, within 3 months I was running the store.  I liked being in charge.  It was as great as I had dreamed.  Over time, that small amount of power went to my head.  All my life, I have always played a role.  Never been "me".  This time, I was playing "Manager" role.  My "depression" (as I viewed it then) was still a big factor, but by being in charge, whenever I had to call in, I could finagle things around so that the owner never knew I hadn't shown up.  As long as sales were good, he stayed off my back.  I was able to stay manager of that store, and another store, for a total of about 3 years.  A record for me.  But eventually circumstances turned, and the desire to be manager was no longer a passion within me.  I was tired of playing that role.  What would be next?  After stumbling a few times, I realized I no longer wanted to role play any longer.  I wanted to be me.  Whatever that was.  And when you realize that you don't really know who YOU are, apart from a set of preferences gathered from friends and family, then things can get crazy.

But finally, today, i realized that my social phobia was based on my wanting to still be seen as "the manager" but not being able to play that role.  That caused a dilemma in my mind, at a subconscious level, manifesting itself as a deeply disturbed feeling around other people.  Now that I see it, I can manually disarm this "mind bomb" because I DON'T want to be seen as "the manager" anymore.  I don't want to be seen as ANYTHING.  Just see me for me, whatever your mind interprets that information to be.  :)

Views and Opinions :)

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I believe I have found the answer to my search for truth. At least partially: Nothing matters. What I mean by that, is our incessant need to control our environment, for whatever reason, is futile, because in the end, none of it matters. Even writing this down seems rather pointless, in light of my recent understanding.

I periodically go thru phases of deep insight into myself.  Eventually I learn all I can, assimilate that information, and move on.  Each time I think, "What else is there to learn about myself?" thinking that I'm done.  Then it happens again.

Just in this past year, I have learned:

1. The stupidity of selfishness, and to recognize it in me when it arises.
2. The stupidiy of most entertainment. It is mental slavery, and an escape.
3. The true nature of greed, and how it has seeped into all facets of communal life.
4. That all living beings are worthy of love and honor.
5. That there is no "good" or "evil."  Just positive and negative. Both have the same goal, happiness.  Positive forces do this by focusing on all living beings.  Negative forces do this by focusing on self.
6. That there is much science out there that modern scientists do not understand..  How our very thoughts and intentions affect the world around us in a myriad number of ways not currently understood by the "majority."
7. That nothing is "wrong" with anyone. Nothing!!! Everyone is unique and will appear "different" in some way.  Normal does not exist.  The popular notion of taking therapy and school to be more "normal" is a huge source of misery, instead of just accepting how you are.
8. Every person here on earth is going through their own journey.  They are learning what they need to learn.  So leave them alone.  You cannot judge others by the criteria you have accepted for your life.
9. No one else's opinions matter.  Only your own.  This is your reality.  Own it.
10. If you attempt to live as a faithful part of the herd, you are slowing down your development.  This is true, because you are accepting mind control of the masses, instead of investigating reality for yourself.  Look within.
11. This life is like a carnival ride.  It's on a set track, and while you may move around and shift within your carnival car, you will always feel the pressure of the safety bar keeping you seated.  Everyone's ride is different.  It's all about the experience. There's no need to worry. You have no control truly.  What little control you think you have, is nothing compared to the amount of psychological conditioning you received as a child through parents, family, school, TV and books. By the time you are an adult, the accumulated programming from all those influences in your brain has robbed you of any supposed "free-will."  And now, as an adult with the habit pattern of "education" over "investigation," you continue to flounder in your search for meaning.
12. Since this life is a carnival ride, you can do no wrong.  Whatever happens to you in life is part of the ride.  How you respond internally is up to you.  But how you respond externally is up to the ride, not you.  How many times have you done something, when you didn't really want to?  And how many times did you not do sommething, when you wanted to?  We all say, "Oh, it was because of this or that" or "That is why I did/didn't do that."  But by reacting to things based on your environment, you give your own free-will to whatever or whoever is in "control" of the environment.  You are basically a passenger trapped on a run-away-train.  When it derails, you die.  So try to learn, and not react.  Do not become happy nor sad.  Reacting like that to a training simulator is illogical.  When you see other people know they are on their own carnival ride or run-away-train, be compassionate.  It's a long, hard ride.

Everything we encounter, be it music, TV, family, school, basically the whole of life, is a constant lesson for the one experiencing it.  This is obvious to most on a surface level, but this journal is not about surface levels.  It is about realizations that occur in the heart, the place where real change occurs.

When you watch a movie or listen to a song, that thing is speaking directly to you, influencing you in some way.  Depending on your mindset, be it positive, neutral, or negative, your interpretation of the message will be skewed toward that mindset. Now the question begs: Who or What is in control of the message?  Is it a  natural occurrence, or is it being intelligently guided?

Does Anything Matter?

Through youth uncorrupted
To adolescence maladjusted

Searching, seeking
Stumbling, reeling


Coming so close then yanked away
Time and again it's happened this way

The truth is starting to be revealed
Yet still my soul cannot be healed

I start to wonder Does anything matter?
The answer can make one mad as a hatter

To see the end before you've arrived
To wait for death while you try to survive

What peace can come of this
Where is nirvana, eternal bliss?

The Greatest Dish Ever Made

I did it.  I made the greatest dish ever made.  I suppose it was only a matter of time. lol  :)  As a vegan, and a NEW one at that, it can sometimes be perplexing on how to make a very tasty dish that includes all the nutrition needed in order to feel "satisfied".  Something "restaurant worthy".  When perusing the aisles at the local market, I like to put things in the cart that "call out" to me.  At the time I won't be sure exactly what I am going to do with it, but am assured by my subconscious that something magical could come of it.  I love trusting my intuition.  And so, after a few such trips of gathering seemingly "miscellaneous" ingredients, I felt confident that a dish was just waiting to be prepared, scattered throughout the cabinets and shelves in our kitchen. 

I knew the main ingredients I wanted to include would be Asparagus and Potatoes.  I also knew I wanted it to be fried/stir fried in a large pan using olive oil.  A good cook always has his ingredients prepped before any actual cooking takes place.  I grabbed a potato, washed it and set it aside.  I grabbed a bag of asparagus, which had already been prepped by my fastidious fiance', Kim.  She loves asparagus something fierce!  "Hmmmm,"  I thought. "What else...what else...."  All of a sudden the spirit of good taste and creation swept through me, and I began digging in the cupboards.  "Roasted sunflower seeds...yes...hot and sweet roasted red peppers...yes....large manzanilla olives, sliced to spread flavor (slice-slice-slice)...yes...flax seeds for a bit of crunch and omega 3, yes....freshly sliced tomatoes (slice-slice-slice) yes.....almonds...hmmm they should be chopped (chop-chop-chop) yes....freshly minced garlic from the fridge...mm-hmm...oh yes, a large onion, (chop-chop-chop)...and one last thing...extra firm tofu..hmm needs to be cubed (slice-slice-slice).  That seems to be it...now just to finish chopping the potatoes and asparagus..(chop-chop-chop) and to combine everything in the electric wok (mix-mix-mix) and to add the extra virgin olive oil (pour.....pour...a little more...pour....PERFECT!)

The concoction was brewing...finally I knew what Dr. Frankenstein must have felt on the night he waited for a lighting bolt to awaken his creation.  As it fried and I stirred-stirred-stirred, I felt like one last thing was still missing.  The nagging feeling of doubt kept gnawing at the back of my mind...then I hear Kim speak up from the living room.  "Baby, want me to make some rice for it?"  RICE!!!! OF COURSE!!!!  "Yes!  That is just what it needs!" (Muwahahahahaha.....) Luckily we had rice already made, and stored in the fridge in little plastic bags.  These bags make great microwave steamers, and the rice came out nice and fluffy.  Spread over a plate, then the concoction spread over that, add a little salt, and VOILA!  A MASTERPIECE!  I chose chopsticks as the utensils of choice, (even though this dish must have come from a past life of Mediterranean living), because it would have to be eaten slower.  And this dish was not one to be "scarfed down".  Picking up a piece of asparagus here, a little chopped potato there, a small cube of tofu drizzled in olive oil and flavor from all the spices...it was truly divine.  Looking over at Kim's empty plate, I could see she felt the same.  "I think I'll keep you" she said, a slight grin spreading across her face.  Keep me, indeed.  And I shall keep you. (Eating well, that is.)