Sunday, February 27, 2011

Does Anything Matter?

Through youth uncorrupted
To adolescence maladjusted

Searching, seeking
Stumbling, reeling


Coming so close then yanked away
Time and again it's happened this way

The truth is starting to be revealed
Yet still my soul cannot be healed

I start to wonder Does anything matter?
The answer can make one mad as a hatter

To see the end before you've arrived
To wait for death while you try to survive

What peace can come of this
Where is nirvana, eternal bliss?

Friday, February 18, 2011

The Greatest Dish Ever Made

I did it.  I made the greatest dish ever made.  I suppose it was only a matter of time. lol  :)  As a vegan, and a NEW one at that, it can sometimes be perplexing on how to make a very tasty dish that includes all the nutrition needed in order to feel "satisfied".  Something "restaurant worthy".  When perusing the aisles at the local market, I like to put things in the cart that "call out" to me.  At the time I won't be sure exactly what I am going to do with it, but am assured by my subconscious that something magical could come of it.  I love trusting my intuition.  And so, after a few such trips of gathering seemingly "miscellaneous" ingredients, I felt confident that a dish was just waiting to be prepared, scattered throughout the cabinets and shelves in our kitchen. 

I knew the main ingredients I wanted to include would be Asparagus and Potatoes.  I also knew I wanted it to be fried/stir fried in a large pan using olive oil.  A good cook always has his ingredients prepped before any actual cooking takes place.  I grabbed a potato, washed it and set it aside.  I grabbed a bag of asparagus, which had already been prepped by my fastidious fiance', Kim.  She loves asparagus something fierce!  "Hmmmm,"  I thought. "What else...what else...."  All of a sudden the spirit of good taste and creation swept through me, and I began digging in the cupboards.  "Roasted sunflower seeds...yes...hot and sweet roasted red peppers...yes....large manzanilla olives, sliced to spread flavor (slice-slice-slice)...yes...flax seeds for a bit of crunch and omega 3, yes....freshly sliced tomatoes (slice-slice-slice) yes.....almonds...hmmm they should be chopped (chop-chop-chop) yes....freshly minced garlic from the fridge...mm-hmm...oh yes, a large onion, (chop-chop-chop)...and one last thing...extra firm tofu..hmm needs to be cubed (slice-slice-slice).  That seems to be it...now just to finish chopping the potatoes and asparagus..(chop-chop-chop) and to combine everything in the electric wok (mix-mix-mix) and to add the extra virgin olive oil (pour.....pour...a little more...pour....PERFECT!)

The concoction was brewing...finally I knew what Dr. Frankenstein must have felt on the night he waited for a lighting bolt to awaken his creation.  As it fried and I stirred-stirred-stirred, I felt like one last thing was still missing.  The nagging feeling of doubt kept gnawing at the back of my mind...then I hear Kim speak up from the living room.  "Baby, want me to make some rice for it?"  RICE!!!! OF COURSE!!!!  "Yes!  That is just what it needs!" (Muwahahahahaha.....) Luckily we had rice already made, and stored in the fridge in little plastic bags.  These bags make great microwave steamers, and the rice came out nice and fluffy.  Spread over a plate, then the concoction spread over that, add a little salt, and VOILA!  A MASTERPIECE!  I chose chopsticks as the utensils of choice, (even though this dish must have come from a past life of Mediterranean living), because it would have to be eaten slower.  And this dish was not one to be "scarfed down".  Picking up a piece of asparagus here, a little chopped potato there, a small cube of tofu drizzled in olive oil and flavor from all the spices...it was truly divine.  Looking over at Kim's empty plate, I could see she felt the same.  "I think I'll keep you" she said, a slight grin spreading across her face.  Keep me, indeed.  And I shall keep you. (Eating well, that is.)

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Intro to my animal family, through the eyes of one such as me :)

Kim and I decided to get our first pet, a cute kitty, about a year and half ago.  She was a little gray thing, sharing a house with loads of people, children and other animals.  When we first met her, she seemed scared and twitchy.  I could relate.  Being around so many people...LOUD people, always moving fast, sending the animals fleeing in terror, I would be pretty twitchy too.  I had to get her out of there, so I immediately told Kim, that yes, we should get her.

Upon getting her home (we lived in Kim's bedroom at her parents house) the kitty proceeded to move from hiding place to hiding place.  While in hindsight I can understand her trepidation, at the time I felt like she didn't like ME.  Being a person with Avoidant Personality Disorder, I tend to see criticism and judgment where there is none.  So, in order to keep from getting too sad, I left the kitty to Kim to handle until she could stop being so scared.  We decided to call the kitty "Stormy" because of her mood and gray fur.  Before long, Stormy was no longer scared, and she slept with us in the bed and had a happy existence. 

A year went by, and I felt the need for more animals.  The reasons for this are debatable, but regardless, I felt the need.  I had mentioned to Kim it would be cool to have a couple hamsters, and also have a nice habitat to watch them scurry around in all day, with tubes and ladders and what-not.  Upon arriving at Petsmart, and looking at the small animals, I decided to speak to one of the employees for some advice.  And a funny thing happened...she suggested we get a rat.  A RAT?? WHAT??? I immediately recoiled from such an idea.  But then it occurred to me..the rats were cheaper...so she wasn't just trying to "make a sale"...so, what could her reason be for suggesting a rat?  So I asked her.  She said "Rats are way more friendlier.  Hamsters aren't fond of people, they tend to bite.  Hamsters have a lower intelligence than rats.  Rats are super smart, can be taught tricks, and LOVE people, love showing affection."  This just blew my mind.  Once again, I had stumbled across yet another prejudice that had been subtly ingrained into my brain.  I love uprooting such idiocy, and so I asked to hold a rat, to see for myself.  She smiled and seemed very pleased.  She opened a rat cage, and some rats came right up, standing and looking at her, almost smiling.  I felt my prejudice weaken.  She handed a rat to me, and as it scurried along my arm, and I pet it...the prejudice SHATTERED.  When the rat looked me in the eye, I could clearly see the intelligence...the lack of fear...the openness.  So unlike a cat, which always seems so guarded.  More like a tiny little dog that can climb and doesn't need a pooperscooper or long daily walks.  I got two.  :)

We ended up naming them Cloudy and Lightning...and believe it or not, we did not even think of how the names all correlated to weather.  Cloudy had fur that was white, with two blotches of dark brown on her back, which looked like clouds. Lightning, on the other hand, had a zig-zag of brown running down her white fur, which looked like lightning.  Cloudy was more a people person, always snuggling up to me or hanging out on my shoulder, and Lightning was a little explorer, and loved playing games with me of her own making, namely coming up to me, nibbling my toenail, and once she had my attention, she'd run off a few feet, and look back, waiting on me to chase her.  I would, then run, and she would chase me.  These girls are awesome.

Recently Kim and I were discussing getting another cat.  And lo and behold, a couple weeks later, a lady at Kim's work said there was a stray cat that needed a home.  A friend had already taken him to get fixed, get his shots, etc...  SO we decided to check him out.  He was a pretty yellow/orange Garfield type cat.  About 6 months old, and gonna be a BIG BOY.  We took him home, and on the way, while trying to decide on a name, the perfect one came to me.  Sunshine. His fur looked just like the southern cali sun at sunrise or sunset.  He is a great addition here, although quite playful at night, making it hard to sleep...hopefully that will die down as he ages. :P

And so that is my current animal family.  Stormy, Cloudy, Lightning, and Sunshine.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The First Step, a poem

The path of the awakened
Refuses all ham and bacon
Loving little piggies
Never leaving them forsaken

This thing is easy
For one such as me
But there are ideas which strike
And won't let me be

Craving and Aversion
Being raised from submersion
Dissecting the mind 
As would a skilled surgeon

But the work is not done
Not close is this one
Avoidance still thrives
Victory is not won

Anger is dying
Compassion is flying
But fear of judgement
Keeps whispering, lying

A personal demon of his own making
Feeding on insecurities it keeps on taking
Planted by another, the seed of the mother
His soul can't stop from shaking

Projection has no majesty
When the film is such a tragedy
Though the screen be white and clean
The lens is scratched and raggedy

He sees the world as a place of scorn
Scrutinizing eyes and hearts forlorn
Deep inside he knows the truth
But the lie fights hard and he is left torn

Hoping for a knock-out
A meta-physical cop-out
Instead he sees the road ahead
No longer can he block out

A lifetime of critical illusion
Paired with social seclusion
He soon realizes
Time is required for a truth infusion

Composing the experience everlasting in the sandbox of his mind
Eventually it will be etched into his heart in kind
On that beautiful day he will rejoin the world
On that day a family will he find

No longer will he be on the outside looking in
No longer will he feel the judgment of sin
How do you start a journey of a thousand miles?
It is with the first step, you must begin

First time blogger, this posting is a short story about my recent Vipassana Meditation retreat.

"No Itch Is Eternal"

By Justin Lee
 
 
















Part 1
"The Search"
 
Justin had been searching for answers his whole life. A childhood of pain and an inquisitive mind is a good combination for a seeker, as he liked to think of himself. The problem was, each time truth stepped within reach, Justin's own inner demons would pull him down into the dark abyss of his mind, where countless complexes and self-destructive tendencies awaited eagerly to feed. And so the process would start, like a wheel turning. Search and find, descend into madness, search and find, descend into madness. Justin wasn't sure if the truths he was learning were flawed, and that was the reason he kept falling, or if any truth, no matter how pure, would not be enough to save him from himself. But yet, he continued.
 
Being raised in the Bible Belt, Justin knew the talking points of Christianity. Or at least he thought he did. "Don't do this, don't do that, praise Jesus" etc... But Justin was a thinker, and needed a full explanation as to WHY you should or should not do something. Just saying "Because it's a sin" wasn't going to cut it. Any true path should be upheld by logic. This is something he knew intrinsically. Superstition would save no one. So while Justin didn't rule out God, or even Jesus, he had pretty much ruled out organized religion by the time he was 15. And yet the gnawing for truth, for something higher than what you see on TV or practiced in the pew next to you, kept nibbling away.
 
The only thing Justin had ever had any true faith in, was his Father. To Justin, his father represented Salvation. Being enchained in a hell of his mother's making, Justin knew, at the age of 8, that one day he would be released from his torment and into the arms of his loving and kind Dad. That day was always going to be his 13th birthday. On that day, children can usually decide who they want to live with, even if the current guardian disagrees. So for 5 years he waited. And suffered. Each day, a day of fear. Each moment, a wonder of what was going to happen next. To be sure, there were brief interludes of peace. Such as when his dad would pick him up for weekends, or extended summer stays. But each time, on the return home, the fear would return and the tears would flow. So imagine, if you will, the state of mind this child had, in relation to his father, his own personal Jesus. And then, imagine, after surviving that hell-fire, and being embraced by the father, only to have it all slip away as the father turned his love and attention towards another. This other, was in pain too. This other, needed the embrace as well. But this other was a full grown woman, and this distorted the love of the father. In a very short time, the father had all but forgotten about the needs of the son he had waited so long to have in his home. Blinded by passion and the needs of the other, the father began his own slippery decent into madness. The madness we call "love".
 
There was one more burden yet to be added to the load Justin carried. This "other", with all her problems, was not a very nice person. She had her reasons, as do we all, but that mattered little to a 13 year old boy who had just lost his one and only hope for peace. It seems the father had not changed his taste in women, and this "other" was an almost duplicate of Justin's mother. Controlling, insensitive, drug problems, and too wrapped up in her own issues to see the needs of anyone else in the house. Thankfully she did not inflict the physical, psychological and emotional abuses toward Justin that Justin's mother did, but what she did exhibit was enough. And so, the depression and rage that had only been swirling as a tadpole in a pond since he was little, began to grow and develop, fed by the abuses of neglect and indifference. Soon these issues would grow into a behemoth, capsizing any and all who would incur his wrath. This path of self-destruction would lead to even more pain, of course, this time by his own making. But it would also eventually lead to his redemption.
 
Justin had always been interested in the supernatural. In second grade, while most little boys were reading books from "Reading Rainbow" or just not reading at all, Justin was reading advanced books on witchcraft, demonology, UFO's, Bigfoot, Loch Ness, Psychic Powers and Werewolves. He became most fascinated with werewolves. Perhaps it was because he sensed, deep down, there was a beast of untold rage and power inside of the weak and pathetic shell he saw as himself. Because of this interest in the paranormal, when Justin's depression deepened and he knew a way out was needed, his desperation soon turned to suicide. With no fear of hell-fire, and a deep curiosity of what lay "beyond", Justin knew the only way would be to go there himself. "After all," he thought, "it can't be any worse than the shit I'm going through now". And so, at the age of 15, with 4 huge mouthfuls of pills squeezed down his gullet, he crawled into bed, giddy with excitement for the new journey he was about to take, away from this second hell. And when, 4 hours later, he awoke, still here on earth, this time with a stomach ache and a need to vomit a little, he thought "fuck". And again, 2 hours after that, when he awoke to untold pain and misery in his stomach which seemed to be spreading throughout his whole body, he knew he had messed up. The father was oblivious, but when the Other awoke, she saw and understood. Snapped out of her apathy, she rushed him to the hospital, where it was found, they could do nothing. The pills had been in his system too long, and just had to run their course. Justin could feel the life draining from his body, in between dry heaves and spitting yellow stomach acid into a huge metal bowl. But, after a few hours, he stabilized and was taken to a psych ward in a hospital where teens who do such things go. Justin loved it there, and for the first time had a chance to talk with educated people. What a bright world these people lived in! When he talked, they listened. When he explained, they expressed wonder at his mind. This was something Justin had never experienced! One nurse/grad student who worked at the teen psych ward actually talked to Justin through the hours of the night, pulling a chair into the doorway of his room, since females were not allowed to enter male quarters at night. She called him an "Old Soul" and said he might like to get into "Taoism". Just had never heard of that, and it sounded intriguing...but as with many things in the troubled mind, this was soon forgotten.
 
After two weeks Justin returned "home", where he knew nothing would change, though it was assured by both his Dad and the Other. "We understand now, things will be different" but of course, after two weeks, it was back to business as usual. They stopped taking him to counseling, stopped making sure he was taking his anti-depressants, and the apathy and selfishness was more apparent than ever. With no where to go, he considered returning to his former hell. That of his mother. "Maybe she's changed" he thought. Oh the things a hopeless mind will cling to... That ended badly, and in a short time he was back in the hell of his father and the Other. So Justin began to ponder, "What do I do now?". His final conclusion was that he would attempt suicide again, but this time actually succeed where he had failed before. Although with one difference; this time, he would have FUN first! And for Justin, fun was taking out all the anger and pain in his mind on the world around him. And when he got caught (because criminals always get caught) he would just take out a toy gun and attain "death by cop". It seemed like a good plan to him, and gave him something to look forward to. He had not had that in years.
 
The path to self-destruction had begun. Every weekend, it was something else. This time, he would use the apathy of his "guardians" to his advantage. They were clueless. Caught up in the turmoil of their own lives, Justin was free to roam the streets of his small country town and raise hell as he saw fit. And raise hell he did. Careful not to inflict pain on people (for some reason that was a stipulation in his own mind) he instead took out his rage on buildings and property. Fire, vandalism, graffiti, and theft rank among the actions taken by this confused young man. And for some reason, he never got caught... After a time, with a bit of his rage exhausted, his mind settled with the attaining of a girlfriend. Justin had girlfriends before, of course, but they were just the school yard kind, with kisses and holding hands and puppy love. This new girl seemed different, but truly it was Justin who was different. He was 16 now, with a license and the ability to borrow a vehicle at almost any time. This new freedom gave Justin a huge breath of fresh air, and things were calm for a while. No longer raising hell, he spent his nights either with his nose buried in a book (Stephen King was his favorite), on the phone with his girl, or playing video games. And then, the miraculous happened; The Father and The Other divorced.
 
The Other had been though a suicide attempt herself, drug abuse and theft, and adultery to top it all off. The father, well he wanted to "work-through" these issues with her, so deep was his love for her. She called for the divorce, once the adultery was revealed. Even after the father had taken care of her son and her daughter while she was in rehab. Slowly, the father began to see The Other for what she was, and what she was not. His heart shattered, in disrepair, and his life too began to fall apart. The business that he had worked so hard to build, slowly dissolved. His son, Justin, had lost all respect for him and he no longer had the longing for the companionship of a woman. His only bright point was his new daughter, had with the Other. But the Other had custody, which with her then-current mental state, could have only happened in the south. And, a deep abiding depression took over. Before the business went belly up, one night there was a confrontation between the father and Justin. Things got physical, and Justin packed some things and left, to live on the street. He had been mentally preparing for this for a while. He had scoured the whole of Sylvania, just in case he ever had to live on the street. He knew where to get food, shelter, clothing. He knew what he would do for entertainment, and that he would still go to school. So without a trace of fear or doubt, he left his father, alone, in that house and set off on a new adventure. After dropping off his bags at an abandoned building right off the main strip, he walked to a Huddle House restaurant to get a bite to eat. There he met a friend, who kindly offered to let Justin stay with him. After two weeks, another friend offered the same. This was totally unexpected, and there is no doubt these friends really didn't know what they were getting into. Justin was not an easy person to live with. After a month on his own, Justin's school counselor convinced him of his fathers sincerity to change, and so he moved back home. And so began a Golden Age in the life of Justin. His father...actually...changed.
 
With his life much less stressful (no annoying little devil running around masquerading as an angel, (i.e. Other's son), no Other, no over-bearing father) Justin began to collect his thoughts and think about the deeper meaning of things. His interest in the paranormal resumed, and he thought "I have been studying this for so long...it is time to put it to use" and so, after discovering one of his female friends was a practicing witch, and had very good books on the "how-to" of such an undertaking, Justin had his first touch with faith. He discovered very quickly, that Wicca was the real deal, not some scam. And being raised in the south, you are taught to think there can be only ONE "real" religion. In Justin's mind, a real religion is one where you see proof that what they say is true. Since he had proof with Wicca, and there "can be only one", he took that to mean that Wicca was the way to go. But his intent was not pure, and the spells he cast were always self-serving, and always back-fired. Just like the books said they would, if you used the power for self-interest, instead of helping others. But helping others was something his mind just could not comprehend...not for a very, very long time.
 
Falling away from Wicca and trying to lead a somewhat stable life, staying away from law-breaking except for the occasional shoplifting of a snack or magazine, Justin began his senior year with a smile and a boost of confidence. He began making straight A's, giving a damn again, and started giving college serious consideration. No longer wanting "death-by-cop", his outlook improved dramatically. He became involved in another serious relationship, and these always seemed to calm his mind. Then, a past deed committed during the previous summer came back to bite him in the ass. He was kicked out of school, put on probation, and just like that, his life had changed forever. Justin took it all in stride however, quickly getting a job working with his father in the meat dept at a grocery store. Still, his life had no aim or direction. Still, he felt no pull in one way or another. Restlessness soon began, and he dropped his girlfriend to start dating other girls, hoping that might pull him out of his funk. He was 18 now, and felt things needed to start happening. And happen they would.
 
Going back and forth between his love and other girls when his mind became unstable, and also spending much time with his best friend, the only true friend Justin had ever had, he kept pretty busy. This is good for a mentally unbalanced person, if they aren't seeking help, that is. His issues had caused him to quit the job with his father, lose the job after that (after being jumped by a group of thugs) and fight with a previous friend. Things seemed to be changing again, this time for the worse. He lost his license, due to carelessness, and could not drive. He would not risk getting pulled over with no license, since he was on probation. Then one day he hears a rumor; a church, newly renovated, had been vandalized in the back country in screven county. Soon he finds out it's no rumor. His own best friend's grandparents attended that church. This is something unheard of in screven county. The damage was in the thousands. Even on his worst day, Justin never damaged a useful building so badly, and never would do such a thing to a church. A thought kept nagging at him "Who would do this?" But he could not think of a single person that depraved. And then something else happened....Justin's name started coming up in circles where people were discussing the vandalism. And it was big news at the time. Because of his past history, some people assumed it was Justin. And in Screven County, an assumption might as well be a conviction. It wasn't long before Justin had the Sheriff himself and 2 deputies at his home, surrounded, no less. Like he would run! Though never charged with the vandalism, the sheriff was able to dig up enough from his life to send him to prison. For 3 years. The Sheriff actually said "You know what we're gonna do with you? Since we can't get any evidence on the church, we're gonna prosecute these others charges to the maximum penalty and send you away for 20 years. Then, we are going to tell everyone that we have the guy who did the church behind bars." This is truth, no fabrication. What was so bad about these charges that the Sheriff felt he could send Justin away for 20 years? Well it was this; Justin had a girlfriend that was 2 years and 10 months younger than him. He happened to be 18, she was 2 months from turning 16, which is the legal age of consent in GA. The sheriff had scared her into giving them a letter Justin had written, fully implicating him as being in a sexual relationship with her. But all was not lost.
 
While in the county jail, after receiving a sentence of 3 years in prison for failing to fulfill the stipulations of his probation (not showing up. Hard to do with no license), Justin had an experience one night, one that would change his life for the better. As he lay tossing and turning on his wire cot, crammed into the small alley-way between two cells due to over-crowding, he steamed. And steamed. So angry at the world, so miserable deep down to his core. And then, something changed...the whole atmosphere in the room changed...all became dead silent. The very air seemed charged with an electric current. Slowly, a peace began to settle over Justin, and in his mind, he had an image of a spiritual net, dragging over his body, removing all cares, all worries, all fears...and just leaving...peace. A presence spoke in his mind "If you believe in me, you can have this all the time". At this very moment, Justin's life had changed. Justin knew this was a holy presence. Something he had never believed in. The next morning when he awoke, he began reading the bible, earnestly, and talking to any christian he could find. He felt the presence that had visited him was probably Jesus, even though the being never said so. But above all, this experience gave him faith. Not blind faith, something he could never have, but a faith based on what he knew to be true from personal experience. This faith is what enabled him to serve his 3 years with no major confrontations, no rape, no extra charges, and no theft except at the very end. And when his walkman was stolen he only had 6 months left. His Christianity had changed forms from time to time, as he was exposed to different sects, denominations and views on what was scriptural and what wasn't. Being dissatisfied with all the opposing views, he took it upon himself the study on his own, with original language concordances in aramaic, hebrew and greek.
 
What he got was a very different view of God than what you typically hear on TV or in church. But still, his mind had too much Dogma within it to understand God purely. One thing he knew; the words of Jesus were true and irrefutable. All else was open to debate. But what Jesus actually meant by what he said, well that is still open to debate for many people. In prison he still suffered from anxiety and depression. Belief in God did not make that magically go away. But it gave him hope, and that was enough. After prison, within one month, he had met the woman who would become his wife for the next 6 years. A beautiful woman from the land of Singapore. She wanted him to move there, since her family was well off and the land is so beautiful. But being on probation, he was not allowed to leave the country, and she was forced to move to America. The rural south was quite a culture shock to this Singaporean Urbanite. She loved the city, it was the only life she knew. But in Statesboro, in the country, there is no subway, no busline, no cabs. She could not drive, because she had depended on these things. She was also Muslim. Not the crazy "I keel you" muslim, but the true kind that love all and love God. Justin read the Quran and noticed what it said about God was basically the same as what Jews and Christians believe. And this happened right after 9/11. Very hard time in this country for muslims. Especially in the south, where people tend to have very deep and ignorant beliefs about people who are different from themselves.
 
Justin had always dreamed of moving to Seattle, after a brief stay there at age 10. He had just completed his two years of probation, and could leave the state. One night, while working at a dreary "skyscraper window" fabricating plant, the thought of Seattle jumped back into his mind. His father had attended deep sea diving school there. "If he could do it, I could do it" Justin thought. And within 2 weeks, they had sold or gave away all they owned and were in Seattle. His wife loved it of course, Seattle is just like Singapore, but colder. All races, all religions, all nationalities, all getting along. Quite a culture shock for Justin, but a welcome sight indeed. It wasn't long before Justin's insecurities, complexes, and anxieties boiled over and he quit the 7 month school after only 4 months. He loved Seattle, however, and stayed. With no education, a prison record, and a spotty work history, finding a decent job was near impossible. His wife, however, had no record, was very pretty, and could find work easily. That helped take some burden off of Justin, while he looked for a job with potential. But in all his moving, his job hunting, job quitting, and fault-finding with his wife, his search for truth was put on hold, indefinitely. And then, after becoming the manager of an appliance sales and repair store, he finally had two things he had always dreamed of. Money and power. Since he had never had either, he did not know the intoxicating allure of such things, or how they corrupt, especially someone as unbalanced as himself. His ego larger than ever, his wife suffered the stings of a million tiny criticisms. And under it all, he was still miserable. Always looking to end that misery by grasping at an outside source to save him. A job, a woman, a video game, a truck, etc... With such an ignorant outlook, after 6 years of marriage Justin asked for a divorce.
 
Bouncing from woman to woman, thinking "If I just find the right one, I will be happy" Justin continued his downward spiral. Then something happened. A click. He realized, in a very short time, that a woman could not make you happy, and that money and possessions could not either. He did not know what could make you happy, only what could not. He also felt that, in his pursuit of material gain, that his pursuit of truth had been stunted. With that in mind, he made up his mind to live a minimalist life, and also to take the trip he had been dreaming of for years. A cross country motorcycle trip where he would take his time, actually see the country instead of zooming past it, and maybe discover something about himself along the way. Only one problem; he didn't know how to ride a motorcycle. But one month after buying one, he was on the road, all his possessions either sold or given away. Taking the pacific coast hwy from Washington down to southern Cali, then cutting across to Alabama to stay with his cousin for a while, the trip was both amazing and miserable. It was winter, and either rained, snowed or hailed the whole way. Only one day this did not happen, the day he rode past Los Angeles and broke down in the desert. While he waited for roadside assistance, he realized he was where he wanted to be. He had experienced the southern heated humidity of Georgia, the cold rain of Seattle, and now he was feeling the dry sunshine of Southern Cali. It was amazing. "But if I stay here, and do not continue, everyone will think I just gave up on my dream of a cross-country trip" Justin thought. And he could not bear the thought of people seeing him as a failure. So he continued. Through worn tires, busted spokes, blown fuses, soaked through leather, gale force winds, icy elevations, he continued. The entire trip took 3 weeks. After many disappointments in Alabama, he no longer cared what people thought and decided to follow his new dream of living in Southern Cali, in Los Angeles. He figured if there was something to be found, he would find it in L.A. Little did he know how right he was.
 
After arriving in LA on his bike, this time in the Summer, he met a woman that would change his life. Her name was Kim. A pretty, humble and funny Chinese girl who's parents moved here from Malaysia when she was 3. She sounded like a regular American, and in many ways she was. But having complete foreigner parents had also affected her mind, and for the better. There was no ego in her. She was cheerful, upbeat, loving. Not always needing reassurance and not ever over-reacting to a single thing Justin did. At first Justin saw this as a sign of weakness. "Don't you know how many people use you and will hurt you by being so open and giving?" he would often ask her. She didn't seem to care. For the first time, Justin had fallen for a girl who was her own person, not defining her existence by the man she was with. And slowly, Justin began to see her weakness as a great strength. He began to be inspired.
 
She lived with her parents, though she had been with him at his "Tiki Hut" guest house since the day they met. He was renting from a guy in Silver Lake, a nice well to do neighborhood a few miles from Hollywood. The tiny bed there was barely big enough for him, yet they both fit perfectly. Once Justin's unemployment ran out, and no jobs that didn't kick-start all his complexes could be found (or one that didn't do background checks or need a college degree), he moved in with her parents as well. But with his anti-social anxieties, he spent most of his time in Kim's bedroom, especially when she was at work. He knew this must seem rude to the parents, but he was paralyzed by his own mind, unable to do the simplest social actions without having great pain in his head in the form of anxiety. His conditions were all getting worse and a change was needed. This is when he discovered medical marijuana. After getting a doctors note, purchases could be made at any number of weed dispensaries. Huge selection, good prices, and potent bud became the norm for over a year. Eventually, after tensions became too great with her parents, Kim and Justin moved out, and learned to grow their own medical grade weed. But after two harvests, they realized the weed had done all it could, and it was now being smoked in a harmful amount, draining what little motivation and will Justin did have from his body. Again a change was needed. Justin decided two things. To quit smoking weed, and to quit working. He felt that an answer to his issues would come only with the clearest mind possible. Work and weed took him to both extremes of the mind, with no balance.
 
And so, finally, Justin had an environment conducive to coming out of the insanity that had prevailed and grown strong in his mind after so long. A caring, understanding woman, with no demands. No job to have to get up and go to everyday, regardless of the state of the mind. And no drugs to cloud the mind, allowing whatever truth that intuition digs up to actually be recognizable. It was in this state that Justin began realizing his first truths; that greed is the prevalent culture of America, and that it is a bottomless bucket that can never be filled. This greed harms the self, others, and the environment we depend on to survive here on this big ol' rock. He knew this, because of his own greed. He was able to recognize it in the lives of almost everyone he had ever met, see it in commercials on TV, in movies, on facebook, everywhere he looked. The American dream had turned from that of freedom, to that of "more, more, MORE!". In a society that calls itself primarily Christian, the most UN-Christ-like qualities were what was being perpetrated to the American public. Not contentment. Not peace. Not love. Instead, there was the belief that "my country is better than yours, so what happens to you does not matter", "my religion is better than yours, so your beliefs do not matter", "my political views are better than yours, so yours do not matter". In essence, a most selfish and greedy outlook, that only (when the chain of logic is followed through to it's inevitable end) causes misery for everyone involved. People think they work so hard and undergo such stress for their children. "I want them to have it better than I did" they usually say. What is "better"? More stuff? Is that better? To condemn your children to run the same rat race year after year that you do, and is causing so much mental and physical suffering in our world? When the concept of greed is truly thought out, one can only come to the conclusion that greed is the accumulation of more than you need. Of anything. The question then begs, "What do I truly need?"
 
Yet, with this knowledge, a certainty in the mind of Justin, he still had some greed. Being an extremist at the time, he decided to learn how to be totally self-sufficient. To live off the land had always been a fantasy, and now he would learn how to do it for real. Reading book after book, website after website, Justin's knowledge increased tenfold in the art of survival. But his over-confidence would be his undoing. On his first excursion "into the wild", to try and put to use the skills he had read about, he decided to hike into a desolate mountain wilderness high in the Sierra's. With no food. No shelter. No lighter or matches. He would get all he needed from the land itself, or so he thought. His first night, a miserable experience where a fire could not be made, no food could be found, bear and mountain lion tracks abounded, and no shelter could be made (he had to sleep in a tiny cubby hole under a boulder, if sleep is what you want to call it. He had to wait from sundown to sunrise before resuming his hike, eventually realizing he would die up here if he didn't turn back and somehow get a hold of Kim to pick him up. This was a humbling experience for Justin, and it took something this extreme to slap some sense into him. It turns out the whole time on the mountain, he was suffering from altitude sickness, which can kill if left to it's own devices. 12,000 ft is too high for a first timer.
 
The zeal for self-sustainability had left him, but a burning desire to know the truth still consumed Justin. In his research on nature and not abusing, he had found notable authors quotes posted on certain websites. These quotes struck a cord in Justin, and resonated deep within his soul. He needed more wisdom from these enlightened minds! A thirst for knowledge overcame him, and the search was on. Soon he came across a website devoted to great quotes, both common and uncommon. Quotes centered around just about any subject or deep thinker you can name. A treasure trove for Justin indeed. Any quote that struck the chord of truth within him, Justin would post on his facebook profile, so that at any time, he could refer back to that page and see them all together. And maybe, just maybe, others that saw them could benefit as well. It was in this way, Justin discovered the wonderful and amazing words of Gautama Buddha.
 
The Buddha is considered to be the first and greatest psychologist of all time, by no less than Sigmund Freud, the father of modern psycho-analysis. And now particle physicists are starting to realize the same thing about Buddha's capacity to understand the nature of the universe. Justin was amazed and stupefied by the words of Buddha. How closely they resembled the words of Jesus. And that Buddha was born 500 years before Jesus. Everything he read of the Buddha's teaching's made perfect sense. Yet still there was fault in Justin. Still he had mental illness. Still he had social anxiety. Still had the unrelenting irritability. It was then he read, that no matter how many scriptures you read, without applying it in your life, it is useless. And one cannot apply the teachings with an agitated mind. Meditation is used to focus and calm the mind, thus enabling you to be what you seek. Kind, selfless, compassionate, wise. But proper meditation must be taught by a teacher, not learned from a book. "Oh no!" Justin thought. "How will I ever learn this if I have to go physically and search for a teacher and hope he's not full of shit? It's hard enough just leaving the apartment!" And that is when Justin stumbled upon http://www.dhamma.org/
 
Vipassana (Vi-pash-ana) meditation is the meditation the Buddha used in order to become enlightened. It basically means to use insight to understand the true nature of your mind and body. When this is done, all ignorance is obliterated, and one can achieve liberation from suffering. Though Justin wasn't sure what the particulars were, he knew he wanted a way out of his suffering, which the technique said it is guaranteed to do, so long as you follow the guidelines with seriousness and meditate according to the teacher's instructions. The path will be visible to you then, but yet you still must walk it yourself. No teacher can do that for you. Justin signed up for the next 10 day course which was 2 months away and immediately began preparing.
 
 
 


Part 2
THE COURSE
 
 
"What the hell?" Justin said, brow furrowed and anxiety creeping into his voice. "It was fine yesterday when we charged the battery..." Justin was trying to get his motorcycle, a 1976 Hondamatic, warmed up for the trip to the Vipassana Meditation Center. Yet the bike kept shutting off, due to a short in the fuse area. Justin knew of this short, but it usually only malfunctioned ever so often, and with a jiggle was easily remedied. This jiggle, however, required him to get off the bike, unlock the seat, lift it up, and then jiggle the wire. This time, he noticed the wire was exceedingly hot. Images of his bike bursting into flames as he was flying down the highway ran through his mind. "How easy this would be to repair if I just took 30 minutes to do it." Justin thought. But once again, he was paralyzed by anxiety and depression. Not only having such mental faults, but being perfectly aware of them with no recourse was driving Justin slowly insane.
 
Justin tried the bike over and over, and the action went something like this;
1) Remove key from ignition
2) Use key to unlock seat
3) Lift seat carefully, because saddle bags are attached and hard to tie/untie
4) Put key back in ignition
5) Jiggle wire
6) See if the bike has power
7) If so, remove key from ignition
8) Put seat back down and lock it
(put key back in ignition)
9) Start bike
10) Bike runs for a minute, shorts out.
11) Start process all over again....
 
More images began to flash though Justin's mind. His bike shorting out every few miles, along the 400 or so miles it would take to get to the Course. Him having to get off his bike in the cold winter weather, with a huge piece of luggage strapped to his back, (it was too big to fit on the back of his bike) and having to do this process over and over. This brought on more anxiety.
 
After the 2nd failed attempt, he hears "I can take you, baby" from Kim, his ever so compassionate and loving fiancée. But he would not be deterred. He felt riding his bike to the retreat was "meant to be" and thought, "If only I keep trying, it will work". After each failed attempt, he hears it again, "I can take you, baby". But Justin knew that Kim had to be at work in 30 minutes. Her taking him would result in her having to call in, more gas money being spent, and things were tight enough as it was. He didn't want the extra expenditure to come from his actions, because that would cause even more anxiety. After all, it wasn't his money. But after 5 attempts, the reality of the situation settled in. "If I am to go...she will have to take me" he thinks. "And I must go, I feel this in my soul, to the very core of my being. This truly is meant to be. After all, the bike may not work, but I have another alternative staring me in the face. Stop being so stubborn." And so, giving in to reason, albeit reluctantly, Justin began loading his luggage into the back of Kims Scion Van/Car thing. "If everything happens for a reason, I wonder why my bike wouldn't start?" Justin pondered. It would not take long before he found out.
 
Justin would drive, since Kim would have to drive the whole way back after dropping him off. Driving always caused Justin anxiety, especially in early morning or after work traffic. This was early morning, and everyone in Orange County was on the road, commuting to L.A. for another daily grind. Their route would take them right on by L.A., so there was 2 hours of traffic ahead of them, just to get through L.A. county. Whenever the anxiety would start to build, Justin would practice the Anapada meditation that all Vipassana meditators must learn before they learn the actual practice of Vipassana. It helps to focus and calm the mind. This can be learned from a book, and Justin had gotten quite adept at this technique during his 2 months of preparation. The trick then, is to remember to use it when you face anxiety or any stimuli that causes you to lose the balance of your mind. Justin found this technique helpful. He began letting people cut in front without feelings of anger. He no longer tried zooming in and out of barely large enough openings. Just maintaining his lanes, knowing that there was plenty of time to reach his destination with zero need to rush.
 
Once out of L.A. county, the scenery opened up to reveal the splendor and magnificence of Southern California. Most people who would not think a desert beautiful, have not truly experienced a desert for themselves. The variety of cactus, scrub brush, multicolored sands and rock precipices was breath-taking. The crystal clear sky, stretching west as far as the eye could see, the beautiful rolling foothills leading up to the looming mountain ranges preceding California's central valley astounded. Once in the valley itself, Justin was reminded of his native Georgia. Sprawling farmland, livestock, and country homes littered the landscape. For a while there was not a mountain in sight. Feeling hungry, they stopped at a Denny's, and realized once again how hard it is to eat well as a Vegan at a restaurant. Almost everything had some form of meat, eggs or dairy. Which meant almost everything had come to Denny's at the expense of suffering and tortured animals. Following the Buddhist path, meant that you will not kill, or support those that do. Any living being. Believing in reincarnation, a Buddhist knows that every living being is either capable of becoming human, or has been one in a past life. Therefore all living beings are equal. But more so than that, A Buddhist is first and foremost a compassionate being, meaning he cannot stand the suffering of other living beings. Anyone who has done the research, knows that the vast majority of "food animals" have suffered their entire life, not just during the slaughter. So even a Buddhist that is not sure about reincarnation, knows that animals bred for food suffer, it is an observable fact, not a blind belief or theory. Justin knew that meat tasted great, and loved his dairy well, but that extra bit of taste was not worth a lifetime of suffering and ending slaughter of the animal.
 
As they neared Fresno, mountains could once again be seen in the distance. The awe-inspiring Sierra Nevada's. The self-same mountains his altitude sickness had occurred in. "I wonder how high up the meditation center is?" he wondered. "Couldn't be too high, they would have warned of altitude sickness". He later found out the place was 2200 feet. Considered foothills by California standards. Getting closer and closer, the roads grew more narrow. The homes grew more quaint and full of character, instead of the cookie-cutter homes of subdivisions. Soon they had arrived in the town of North Fork, only 2 miles from the Center.
"I love small towns like this!" Justin exclaimed to Kim. "This is just like Sylvania". It was more like Newington, but he knew Kim would not understand the difference, and had talked of Sylvania often. Small shops and dinners lined the one road going through the mountain village. Justin, with his off-kilter ways and rebellious attitude, had not done well in Sylvania, but, he thought, "Maybe now, with my new outlook, I could be more accepted in a place like this".
 
Turning onto the small paved path leading to the center, driving slowly so as not to hit any oncoming cars that might crest the many ups and downs, they noticed movement up ahead. Stopping, and peering closer, a number of deer came into view. One...two...three...they just kept coming. And instead of darting off into the woods, they just peered at the vehicle, curious and not afraid. After a minute or two, the deer moved on, and Justin continued down the path. As the Center came into view, he began to realize why this place had such a long waiting list. It was magnificent! Beautiful smooth red-barked berry trees grew in bunches all over the property. He had read that the place was over 120 acres. Cars were already everywhere, even though they were an hour early. There would be a total of 120 students. Half seemed to already be there. Once they were parked, and Kim had comfortably snuggled up next to Justin while they waited for an hour to pass, some movement caught Justin's eye in the rear-view mirror. More deer had emerged from a copse of trees behind them.
"Look!" just whispered fervently. Kim looked and practically squealed with delight.
"I want to get a picture!" she said happily. Jumping in the back and rummaging around, she came out with the camera they had brought. Justin had charged the battery the night before, but after just a few pics, the battery was already dead. "Damn, I guess the short happened in that one too". Justin's charger had a short in it as well. "Try the other battery, I brought it" he told her. Kim retrieved the battery, but when she tried to put it in, she dropped the camera and the battery. Both took a while to find, and the whole time Justin's irritation grew. "Why did it have to drop? Why is it taking so long for her to find it? The deer will be gone by the time she gets it done" he kept thinking. Then soon after, he realized this frustration was selfish and wrong. But this thought did not bring peace to his mind. Now anxiety crept in. "I am here to purify my mind, to become a better person, and the first thing I do upon arriving is begin mentally critizing the very woman who made this trip possible. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?!" he lamented in his chaotic mind. It was in this state of mind, that he kissed her good-bye, grabbed his luggage and walked up to the registration area. Seeing her leave, he thought, "Well, I'm here now, with no way out. I sure hope things go well".
 
Upon entering the room, he was asked to read a pamphlet and then sign a form stating you have read it and agree 100% to follow the guidelines listed. If you refused, you could not take the course. These were all posted online of course, and Justin had read them already. But he decided to give them a once-over, just in case he missed something before. And just as before, one paragraph kept haunting his mind;
SERIOUS MENTAL DISORDERS
"People with serious mental disorders have occasionally come to Vipassana courses with the unrealistic expectation that the technique will cure or alleviate their mental problems. Unstable interpersonal relationships and a history of various treatments can be additional factors which make it difficult for such people to benefit from, or even finish, a ten-day course."
 
The other factors, like noble silence (no communication of any kind with anyone other than the assistant teacher or manager for the whole course), total abstinence, no killing, no telling lies, no intoxicants, and no leaving the course for any reason during the 10 days, he knew would not be a problem. He felt that the noble silence would actually help him, since he would not be expected to talk to people that crossed his path. This always brought anxiety, so now, when he just looked at his feet and kept walking, it would seem as though he were just being studious about the rules.
 
He noticed people were talking, and this irked him, as he believed everyone had visited the website, read the brochure, and knew they were supposed to be quiet. Slowly agitation began to build. He was given directions to his sleeping quarters, and to which bed he was to sleep in. Lugging his baggage (10 days worth) up the steep and rocky path leading to the mens dorms, his heart condition began to kick in. "Ah hell" Justin thought. "Gotta rest, get my heart rate down." Justin had had a condition since he was 8 years old, something to do with a small amount of exertion, his heart, and hot temps. But even in cold temps, if the exertion was strong enough, the heat buildup in his body would over-ride the outside temp and start the condition. The process was usually 1) Heart-rate skyrocketing out of the blue,(200bpm+) 2)Extreme feeling of heat 3)Deathly pale skin 4)Nausea, and if not quickly fixed, 5) Disorientation and 6)Vomiting, then extreme weakness for about 2 hours. Being raised poor and in a society that believes children should just "walk it off" of that they'll "grow out of it", Justin had never been properly diagnosed and was left to his own devices on how to deal with this. He dealt with it by avoiding situations which might trigger it. No football, no jogging, no hard sex, even lifting weights triggered this usually. As a result, Justin had gained weight, with little recourse on how to lose it, since most exercise was out of the question. He was not obese, but it was obvious he had weight issues. After resting for a bit, he finished the mini-hike to his dorm, which was really a single-wide trailer which had been converted to house 14 men, on small wooden bunks about 2 feet wide and 6 feet long. There was a foam pad for a mattress. The schedule that was given to him stated orientation would start soon, and Justin thought, "Good, I am feeling quite disoriented" with a slight grin on his face.
 
Orientation was pretty straight forward, and soon it was time for "a small evening meal" as the course description called it. It was soup and fruit, and quite good. While everyone lined up to get their portions served by themselves, one man turned around in his seat and spoke, to the surprise of all there;
"Just keep in mind, this is all the food for everyone." he stated, with such authority and tension it seemed as though he worked there and was mad at them. Justin assumed the man must be a volunteer or manager. And an asshole, to boot. Later he would find out the guy was just a regular student. After the meal, the men returned to their quarters to unpack. In Justin's dorm, the areas were curtailed off by thick curtains instead of walls. Usually each area had 2 or 3 beds, and the curtains separated these areas from the others. Justin pulled the curtains and began unpacking the monstrous suitcase he had found in a dumpster just 2 months previous. In perfect condition and usually costing $200+, Justin had been walking home from the store one day when he spotted it sitting in a dumpster, on top of some cardboard boxes outside of an office complex. "I can't let such a useful item go to the dump" he thought, and retrieved it. It had large wheels, an extended stabilizer and also a handle that could be pulled out to drag behind you or retracted and held like a normal suitcase. Pockets abounded everywhere and Justin was truly pleased with his find. He found it amazing that the suitcase had found a purpose so shortly after being rescued, and thought of divine providence, and he so often did in these situations. Wondering where to put everything, or if he should just leave it all in the baggage and retrieve things as needed, he noticed there was a large shelf in the alcove behind his bed, and that his "curtain area" roommate would not need it, since he had his own shelf attached to the wall above his bed, "Wonderful" Justin thought with a smile. Now other men were entering the dorm. Though unseen, they could be heard easily by the raucous laughter and conversation they were all initiating with each other. "Oh great" he thought. "WHY ARE THEY TALKING?????" He screamed in his mind. "DON'T THEY KNOW THE FUCKING RULES???" Many other expletives steam-rolled through his tortured mind, and the agitation that had been building since arriving broke though the levies and flooded his consciousness. He knew these thoughts were wrong. He knew that these men were experiencing feelings of joy, and that Justin was likely the only one that had a problem with the talking. But none of that mattered. Justin was no longer in control. He sat in the back of his mind, helpless as feelings of hate and anger coursed through every fiber of his body. With every laugh, with every meaningless shallow word, his anger and contempt grew. And it suddenly occurred to him, that this was why he was here, to be rid of all this mental poison. "WHY AM I BEING SUBJECTED TO THIS?!?!?!?!" he screamed in the vast abyss of his searing brain. It would not be until day 10 that the answer to his question would be discovered.
 
Trying to calm his mind, Justin lay down on his bunk. He could not meditate, his mind was too agitated for that. But slowly he became lost in the daydreams that used to get him by in these times of distress, before discovering Buddhism. In this, he lost track of time, and was startled by the words "Anyone in here?!?"
"Yes!" Justin shouted back.
"Everyone is in the hall, it's meditating time."
 
Justin was shocked. "Fuck I'm late!" he screamed in his mind. He had set the alarm on the clock provided, but apparently he had set the clock wrong. Profusely expressing his apologies to the manager who had been sent to retrieve him, he walked quickly even higher up the rocky path. Once again he felt his heart pound out an erratic cadence in his chest. "No time to rest" he thought, and entered the Meditation Hall. Everyone was there, already seated and he could hear S.E. Goenka's voice emanating from the sound system. Embarrassment washed over Justin. And with him, embarrassment always turned to anger. He fumed and fumed. "My first day, and it's a disaster already. How can I achieve peace and understanding of this technique, feeling this way?!" He knew of course that it was impossible to do such a thing, and he could only hope that this feeling would not last.
 
Slowly, Justin came out of his anger and began becoming aware of Goenka's voice. Goenka wasn't actually there, of course. As Goenka was the only man on earth initiated as full teacher of Vipassana, all the centers that teach it, do so from CD's and DVD's of Goenka teaching directly. He appointed "Assistant Teachers", who sit at the front of the hall, handle the media and answer any questions practitioners might have. This way, the teaching never becomes polluted, distorted or watered down. Imagine if great teachers of the past had video! No more scripture taken out of context. No more heavy doctrines based on just one or two lines of scripture. At the time of the CD/video's recording, Goenka was at the very center Justin was at, and it was 1991, the year the California Center opened. As this session was by audio only, Justin could see no image of Goenka. There was no need, as the mediation is always done with the eyes closed. As Justin listened, he could not help but think of Dracula giving lessons on meditation, for that is what Goenka sounded like. Goenka was born into a wealthy Indian business family, and so Hindi was his native language. Before learning English, he had first learned German. This was very apparent in the way he talked, as his w's sounded like v's. This fact, mixed with his Hindi accent and deep resonating voice, sounded so much like a black and white movie Dracula that Justin almost burst out laughing in the Hall. Once "The Count" from sesame street popped into his mind; "I Vant, to teach, you meditation...ah-ah-ah"
 
They practiced a little Anapada meditation, as undoubtedly most had not prepared for the trip the way Justin had. Most had jobs and responsibilities, unlike Justin. He surveyed the hall, the one place where the men and women could be in the same building. Men on the left, Women on the right. The men were from all races, and later he would learn, all nationalities as well. Young and old, rich and poor, learned and ignorant, had all come to learn how to overcome their misery. S.E.Goenka comes highly recommended indeed. The same was true for the women, and Justin had a hard time understanding why so many beautiful, obviously well-off women were there. How could pretty, rich girls be miserable? In our society, Justin thought, pretty girls have the world handed to them on a platter. What's to be miserable over? Justin completely missed the ignorance of this thought, until much later in the course.
 
Slowly, these thoughts stilled, and Justin practiced Anapada as instructed. "Mouth closed, breathing naturally through the nose. Do not try to control your breathing, that is a different kind of meditation. This type is about observing reality as it is, not as you would wish it to be" Goenka's words drifted throughout the silent hall of meditators. "Ah damn!" Justin thought. "This whole time I've been trying to make sure the breaths were all even." This was a mistake, but in doing so, Justin had prepared himself for the second step of Anapada; being aware of sensations in the nose and on the upper lip while breathing.
 
The course schedule for normal days, called for getting up at am. At 4:30, you were instructed to meditate either in the hall, or in your "room". Justin wanted to do things right, even though he knew his mind, early in the morning, was not at it's sharpest or most motivated. On day 1, the first full day, Justin did get up at 4am. At 4:30 he again found himself entering the meditation hall late. Anger once again consumed him. "What the hell?! Do these people not all have their clocks synchronized? Why am I the only late one?" But being up so early, he had little strength for anger and calmed quickly. His legs also fell asleep quickly. He looked around, and saw that there was a row of chairs, by the wall for people who could not sit in the meditation cushions on the floor. Justin sat in one and found it agreed more with him. He also found he was miserable, trying to focus through the haze of early morning imbalances his brain always goes through. This condition had made him quit many jobs that required him to be in before 10 am. He could easily wake before this time, but the state of his mind was in such turmoil that it took a good 3 hours to get into a mindset with which he could leave the house with relative sanity. It was much more than "I need coffee". On the worst days, it was more like "I need electro-shocks". So Justin knew he would not be attending the optional 4:30 meditation sessions in the hall. They had made it clear the night before, that the major meditative sessions were the only ones you were required to attend in the hall. Those were from 8-9 am, 2:30-3:30pm, and 6-7pm. The rest of the times were either designated meal times or "meditate in the hall or in your room" times, during which some students, Justin included, would either sleep or walk around the nature paths. There were the evening discourses of course, held after the 6-7pm session. They were the teachings on DVD. They lasted an hour and 15 min each, after which was another 45 min meditative session they do not tell you about.
 
Once Justin saw the first day's discourse, the image of Dracula vanished from his mind. What he saw instead, was a kind, benevolent, intensely wise and intelligent old Indian man. Clean shaven, bank teller hair, he looked nothing like what you would expect from a teacher of ancient wisdom from the east. His words were peppered not only with wisdom, but humor as well.
"The first day is over..." he began as the first discourse started. "You have 9 more days to work." Slight moans of dread and shifting could be heard throughout the hall. "The first day...is a hard day" he said, a knowing grin spreading across his lips. "Agitation will develop. Many people, especially here in the west, are not used to sitting still for one hour, fully conscious and not having some sort of stimulus put into their brain. The course here, is designed to help you in this. There is no music, no writing, no talking, no books, no cell-phones. The only input you will get, is the beautiful nature you are surrounded by, and Dhamma, truth, the law of the universe. And so, eventually, your mind will quieten down and you will be able to pursue your meditation properly."
 
And so began a pattern Justin would notice everyday; Goenka would tell you a new facet of the meditation, basic instructions on how to accomplish it, but no true explanation. This frustrated Justin to no end. He was a thinker, and responded well to not only the "what" but also the "why". Without the "why", he would often sulk until he realized he was stuck there for an hour, and might as well do what he was told. And then, like always, during the evening discourse, Goenka would repeat all the frustration you went through that day (as if reading your mind from his DVD) and then would fully explain the aspect of the technique. Upon doing so, Justin would immediately recall his experience, and see how it lined up with what Goenka was explaining. and it all would click. "What GENIUS!" Justin exclaimed in his mind. He knew now, as Goenka had known all along, if the thing were fully explained before one attempted it, one could easily "over-think" it instead of letting the experience happen. Because, as all humans are different, each meditator's practice is going to be slightly different. So with each aspect, he lets you stumble and find what is comfortable to you, then fully explains it later so that you can correct any errors in your technique. THIS is why you can't learn it from a book. "Ahhhhhh" Justin thought. Goenka repeatedly talked of the "experiential" aspect of truth.
"Knowledge, from any source, whether from this god or that god, this goddess or that goddess, this seer or that seer, this saintly person or that saintly person, this founder of a religion or that founder of a religion, all of this knowledge is good. It will help you. But this is not true knowledge. Unless experienced DIRECTLY, from your own perspective, these words or scriptures are just intellectual games. "Oh, I have so much knowledge! I have studied these scriptures so thoroughly, for so many years, I could write books upon books on such scriptures", and yet, this man, without experiencing the truth of these words directly in his life, is just playing intellectual games with himself and those he debates with. Knowledge only becomes wisdom when you experience it directly! This, is why you are here"
 
These words shook Justin to his very foundation. He felt as though Goenka were talking directly to him. Always the Bible scholar, the Buddhist scholar...never the one experiencing the "Kingdom of God within" that Jesus spoke of, or the peace, compassion and tranquility of the true Buddhist. "It is not the words which make you a saintly person," Goenka continued, "It is the meaning of the words you experience in your daily life that make you a saintly person. But this is not easy. How to do this?" He paused, allowing the weight of that statement to settle in. "In Buddism, there are 3 steps that must be taken to start to become liberated from one's own misery. Sila, Somadhi and Panya. Sila, also called Virtue or Moral conduct, is neccessary, because when you do wrong, you are punished right then and there, by the natural law of the Universe. Some call it God, or Brahma, or Krishna, Yahweh, Allah, but the function is universal. There is a law, a universal law, which transcends all religions and the entirety of the universe is subject to it. In ancient India, before, during and after Buddha, this law was called Dhamma, in the common language of the time, called Pali. Dhamma is not prejudiced and does not play favoritism. When you are in line with Dhamma, you feel happy. When you are not, you feel miserable, This is just the way things are. You can see it for yourself in your daily life. It does not require blind faith or rites or rituals. So, if you do wrong, are unvirtuous, you get punished by Dhamma in the sense that you feel misery. If you are miserable, you cannot have a clear mind. If you have an unclear mind, you cannot come out of ignorance. Ignorance, in this sense, is the way most of the world sees reality. Ignorantly. Based completely on how the world affects them, without regard to how reality truly is. Their perception is clouded by craving and aversion. Craving and Aversion arise because of ignorance, thinking that there is a you, a me, a mine. These things are illusory, and not real. They are concepts we embrace as children, you, me, mine. It is a separation of the individual from the outside world, as though one were different from the other. This is simply not so. It will become very clear to you as you progress along the path, very clear. So, since you have come here, you have taken the 5 precepts of not killing, not stealing, no sexual misconduct, no lies, and no intoxicants. By abstaining from these things, you will build your Sila, your virtue, which will enable you to have a calm mind, which is needed in order to perceive the more subtle aspects of true reality."
 
"The same is true for Somadhi. Also called "Concentration of the mind", it is needed in order to detect the more subtler realities all around you. Here, at this center, you will have no choice but to develop Somadhi. Three mandatory meditation sessions a day, nature all around, no outside distractions, and no communication with the other practitioners, very quickly one's Somadhi develops in such an environment. The third aspect, Panya, also known as Wisdom, is where Buddha differed from other groups. Any religion worth the name knows that Sila and Somadhi are required for liberation from Misery, but Panya, wisdom, is knowledge gained from direct experience. Not from words heard from a prophet, or words read in any scripture. It is something experienced directly by the person wishing to escape that misery. So how do we develop Panya? The same way The Buddha did. By Vipassana meditation. But that will not start till the 4th day. First, you must prepare yourself for the teaching, so that you can apply it to your practice of walking the noble 8-fold path." And so, this began Justin's learning of meditation. What it was, what it was not, the how, and the why. Just as he had always dreamed, he was discovering every aspect of truth, from an angle never revealed to him. Justin was not looking forward to 3 days of Anapada meditation however, since he believed he had already mastered it before the course. How wrong he was, and why it was needed to begin with, would not be revealed until the 4th day.
 
During the first day of meditation, Goenka's mellifluous voice could heard coursing over the heads of the practitioners; "Just breathe normally. And be aware of how you breathe. Do not try to control the breath, but know what you are doing. If you are breathing shallow, know, that you are breathing shallow. If you are breathing deep, know that you are breathing deep. Just breathe, and be aware. But you must also focus your mind. Your entire attention should be on your breath. You will notice, most sooner rather than later, that your mind begins to wander. You forget all about the breath and start to day-dream. You must bring the attention back to the breath. Every time you notice this happens, just smile and bring your attention back to the breath. Do not get depressed, or agitated, or feel like you have failed. As long as you bring your attention back to the breath, you have succeeded."
 
Justin knew that this method could calm the mind. He had experienced it himself. But they were going to do 3 days of this? At a minimum, that would be 12 hours in 3 days. Sitting still, in one spot, for an hour, keeping your mind not only focused on just one thing, but that thing was not something you could see, or hear or taste. It was something you could only feel, and only barely at that. Agitation once again began to creep into his brain by day 2. He would alternate from doing as he was told, to violent rebellion in his mind. Day 2 had another instruction given; "Now, on day 1, you learned how to remain focused on the breath. Now, as you breathe, and remained focused, turn your attention not only to how you breathe, whether it is through the left nostril, or right nostril, or sometimes through both nostrils, but also to how the breath feels as it enters and leaves the nose. Some may feel a dry sensation, others a moist one. Some may feel a warm sensation, others a cold one. It does not matter what you feel, but that you feel. Again, your mind will start to wander. In it's "natural" state of ignorance, the mind is a continuous stream of thought, with no seam between one thought and the next, jumping around like changing television stations. You must learn to come out of this, both in life and in meditation."
 
Justin almost screamed in frustration. He thought, "I have been doing that already! I wasn't supposed to yet? Fuck! When am I going to learn something new?" Justin's agitation level was steadily rising, and due not only to the meditation repetition. Once out of meditation, and he headed back to his dorm, a new challenge arose. Dealing with his social anxiety and irritability in being around other men. His dorm housed 14 men, in the space of a single wide trailer. His "curtain mate" loved to snore and make sloppy lip smacking sounds in his sleep. The central heater was located right behind Justin's bunk, and at night, when all was quiet, the heater would tick loudly, like a massive clock counting down to the 4am wakeup bell. TICK...TICK...TICK...TICK...and once the heater kicked on, it sounded as if the trailer were about blast into outer-space. Justin had an issue with sound. He always had. If he were a veteran, a psychologist might say he had shell-shock, or post-traumatic stress disorder. One loud noise or sharp, high-pitched sound, and Justin was driven to near insanity for a split second. This is no exaggeration. In the early morning meditation sessions, this became even more of a burden, for while trying to calm his mind, coughs, snotty-nosed sounds, and constant shifting reverberated through the silent hall. Especially on the women's side. "What the hell?" Justin thought, "Are ALL the women sick?" And one especially disgusting nose-snot sound was coming from an area close to him. Opening his eyes for a peak, Justin saw that it was emanating from a guy in his dorm. He had termed this guy "The rat-faced Jew" because 1) His face was narrow and sharp, like that of a rat. 2) He was obviously Jewish, and 3) Since no talking was allowed, he knew no one's name and had to identify them somehow. "Ugh, GROSS" Justin felt nauseous just hearing it. They guy would hold one nostril shut, then repeatedly tap the other nostril while breathing in. The sound of snot being sucked inside the rat-faced Jew's skull was excruciatingly repulsive. Other people would get up and go to the foyer to blow their nose or have a coughing fit, but not this guy. Justin knew two things immediately; he hated the rat-faced Jew, and he would no longer be coming to the optional sessions at 4:30am. He would sleep in, and hope that at the first mandatory session at 8, his mind would be in a better state to receive the teaching.
 
A funny thing started happening on day 2. Whenever Justin was about to boil over with anger and anxiety, he would spot the deer. These deer, though timid enough that you could not touch them, were also brave enough that you could get within 10 yards, if you moved very, very slowly. Justin had always taken great pride in his sneaking ability. For a big guy, he could get in and out of just about anywhere without being detected if he so chose. He knew he could not "sneak up" on the deer without being detected, as they always saw him before he saw them, but he figured, if he acted as if he were sneaking up on them, moving very slowly, every step and movement carefully thought out and executed, shifting weight from one foot, to both, then the other, it would achieve two things needed to get close to deer. 1) He would not make any loud sounds, and 2) He would not make any sudden movements. He knew instinctually, that if he spooked one that wasn't looking at him, that the others who were would bolt. They always seemed to travel in herds? Packs? of about 4 to 7. Walking the nature path on the men's side of the camp, he would see them, and observe. Justin always loved animals, but as he aged, desensitization had set in. Animals were used by man, not appreciatted by man. For food, clothing, entertainment and science. It was easy to think these things were ok, when you have never really been exposed to an animal, day after day, watching it live it's normal life. Justin saw these deer eat. He saw them cough, fart and burp. He noticed that when walking in a single file line, that if the head deer stopped, the one behind it might slap it in the ass, saying "keep movin, slow-poke" Justin always giggled at this. Many times the deer would look him straight in the eyes, and a communion of sorts would take place. The peace, the tranquility these deer had, was amazing to him. It helped to calm his mind, to lessen his agitation. Until the thought of hunters came into his mind. Growing up in the south, hunters were a common occurrence. But the thought of a hunter, shooting this deer that was looking so meaningfully into Justin's eyes, the deer being thrown to the earth by the force of the bullet, blood pouring from it's dying body...and the last thought of the deer echoing in Justin's mind..."Why....?" Slowly, Justin felt ignorance being pulled away from his mind, layer after layer.
 
On day 3, Justin was kind of excited. "We learned a new aspect of Anapada yesterday, I wonder what aspect we'll learn today?" The thought of doing something different was very appealing to Justin. This thought bounced around in his head as he headed to the 6:30am breakfast. Breakfast at the camp was nicer than you would typically have at home. Of course all the meals were vegetarian. One cannot develop Sila if you are taking part in the slaughter and torture of animals. So while there was no bacon and eggs, there were 3 different types of cereal, with regular milk or soy milk. Justin wasn't sure why they used dairy here, because he knew most dairy cows suffer torture and unnatural conditions, but thought "well they must get their dairy from animal friendly farms, not the factory farms most milk comes from". There was also oatmeal, bread, peanut butter and jelly, yogurt, and every condiment imaginable. After breakfast, he would head back to the dorm for an hour before the 8 am session. Soon he was seated in the meditation hall, eagerly awaiting Goenka's new instructions.
 
"Yesterday you concentrated on the area inside the nostrils. Today, you are to remain aware of your breathing, and also focus on the area outside of your nostrils, the triangular area under the nostrils and above the upper lip. Normally the mind is very gross, (bulky) and cannot detect the more subtler sensations needed for this technique. So, by concentrating the mind on such a small part of the body, the mind becomes very sharp, very focused. Remember, the mind has a tendency to wander. By increasing your awareness, you will be more aware when this happens. Sometimes 5 minutes of wandering, sometimes 10, sometimes 15 minutes will go by and you will realize 'Ah! I have been wandering in my own mind instead of meditating!' When this happens, do not despair, or become agitated or depressed. At least you are aware you have wandered. Soon, it will begin to happen, that when you become aware that your mind has wandered, you will find that the mind automatically goes back to meditating without being told to by your consciousness. This is because you are slowly changing the habit pattern of the mind, from gross detection of only major sensations, to the constant and ever changing more subtle sensations. You could feel any type of sensation on this small triangular area. You may feel a sensation of cold, or of movement. A tickle, or an itch. Whatever it is you feel, just observe. Do not react. If you feel an itch, you observe, 'Oh, I feel an itch, let me see how long it lasts, because like all things, it arises, and therefore must pass away' so remember, No Itch Is Eternal." This statement got many laughs from the students. Justin was not sure if the others heard the depth of what Goenka had just said or not. No itch is eternal. Oh my! So rich and deep was this little sentence. It spokes volumes to the heart of Justin, and to his mind as well. What is anything we experience in life, if not an itch of some form or another? Having studied Buddhist texts for hours a day close to 3 months before the trip, Justin knew about "Anicca (ah-nicha)", also called Impermanence. It is said that The Buddha's enlightenment came at his understanding of Anicca. The impermanence of all things struck Gautauma at a very deep level, due to his Sila, Somadhi and Panya. Why crave or be attached to something that is doomed to pass away? Why hate or run away from something that is leaving this world soon anyway?
 
Goenka spoke, "Everything is Anicca, impermanent, but we react to these things as if they will be here with us forever, and that we too, will be here forever. But just like the rest of the world, we too, are Anicca. This is the true meaning behind "The Middle Way" proposed by Buddha 2500 years ago. Neither craving nor aversion, but observation, then acting in wisdom. This is the path which shatters ignorance. And it is ignorance that causes our misery. Like a chain of events, cause and effect, to eradicate misery, you must follow it back to it's source, which is always ignorance. Many people who consider themselves "smart" would scoff at such a notion. 'Oh I am so learned, I am so intelligent, I am not ignorant like these lowly people. My misery is caused by others, not by me'. But the ignorance we speak of is not a lack of education from schools or a low IQ, no. It is the ignorance of the self, the idea that 'Me, Mine, I' exist as a separate entity from the world around us." Justin knew these words to be true, he had already accepted them when read from The Dhammapada, the collection of the sayings of Buddha. It is a concise and condensed version of all the Buddha's teaching, in a short little book that most could read in a couple days. Dhamma means "The truth" and pada in this context means "path", so literally Path of truth. But Goenka kept saying something over and over that gnawed at Justin. "No matter how many scriptures you read, or verses you can recite, it is all an intellectual game until you understand it and apply it in your heart." The words of Jesus arose in Justin's mind, "You shall know them by their fruit". Deep down, Justin knew this was true of him as well, and did not want mere intellectual masturbation to impede his progress of coming out of misery. "But how?" he kept thinking.
 
Justin came back to his breathing, knowing he must "observe the reality as it is, not reality as you would wish it to be". He focused his mind, and yes, he could feel the breath of his nose hitting the area above the upper lip. "But for a whole hour?! REALLY?!?!?! And this, 2 more times later in the day? FUCK!" he screamed in his mind. He was obviously not focusing on the moment. He was focusing on the future, something Goenka had warned against. "Each moment we are arising, passing away. Arising, passing away. Each moment, reality is arising, passing away, arising, passing away. This will become very clear to you as you progress along the path. So you must remain focused on the reality as it arises, so that you will notice when it passes. If you are focused on the past, you are clinging to a reality that no longer exists. If you are focused on the future, you are craving a reality that also does not exist. Only one reality exists; that of the present moment. Craving and aversion always breed ignorance and misery, but craving or being averse to past or future scenario's is the ultimate madness, for you are reacting to mere figments of your imagination, like being scared of the boogeyman, or wishing to be a superhero. They do-not-exist." Justin knew these words to be true, but his own ignorance and agitation was hindering the understanding from being developed in his heart, where it would make an actual difference. He could not get it out of his mind. "Two more hours of this crap. Eyes closed, sitting still, observing my breath on that little spot, over and over, over and over...." The madness which arises in Justin at times like these, when small incidents become obsessive inner tantrums, began to take hold. And for the first time, Justin wanted to go home.
 
Back in his bunk, awaiting the 11am lunch bell, just rolled in self-inflicted misery. Little did he realize at that time, that all misery is self-inflicted. The demons of his mind kept stoking the flames of hate, fear and delusion. "I can't do it. I can go in there and sit for an hour, sure, but to do as I'm supposed to, to keep the mind from wandering, to focus solely on the breath on that one little spot, continuously, for an hour, then again at 7....OH GOD FUCK THIS SUCKS WHAT WAS I THINKING I'M SURROUNDED BY MEN I HATE MEN I CAN'T FOCUS I CAME HERE TO LEARN TO LET GO OF MY PAST HURTS AND LEARN COMPASSION AND ALL WE'VE DONE IS FOCUS ON THE BREATH IS THIS ALL THERE IS FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!" and then, once the madness was spent, Justin began to cry. Quietly, he sobbed, appearing to his bunk mate to be asleep, turned toward the wall. Crying quietly is something Justin mastered during his 3 years in prison. Laying in your prison bunk late at night, the only sound being that of your cellmate snoring, crying is something he did at times, when the loneliness and the horror of such injustice was just too much to bear. Justin finally understood why his bike wouldn't work. If he had taken his bike, and in this state of mind, he would leave. Guaranteed. In moments like this, of extreme pain, torture and misery, nothing was worth it. Escape becomes the only option. The only thing that could counter the pain, would be an equally disturbing mental illness. It just so happened he had one. Justin knew if he had his bike, he could sneak away quietly during a session, or late at night. But since he did not, and he didn't have a cell phone, no one did, he would be forced to talk to the management about making a call to Kim to come pick him up. They would try to convince him to stay. If they failed, Justin would have to face their dissapointed and/or judgemental faces, then also have to face Kim as a failure, making her take more time off work to come get him early, probably very sleepy and that was dangerous. If they succeeded, he and they would still know he wanted to leave, had tried, and failed that too, only staying because they begged him, not because of his search for truth. "FUCK!!!!" he thought. He considered hitchhiking. But what if he didn't get picked up? He was a big, fully bearded guy, and knew it could be construed as intimidating. And since this was winter, if he had to sleep in the open with no shelter....well he had done that once and knew it was not worth it either. And so, his own negative projections of what "might" happen if he left, became what "will" happen if he left, and he chose the lesser of all the evils. Just staying, and suffering himself without anyone being aware of it. In his mind, over the next 2 days, Justin would call out to Kim. He would tell her how miserable he was, and that if she could somehow hear his thoughts, to "PLEASE COME GET ME BABY! SAVE ME FROM THIS MADNESS!!! Please....please....please....", tears streaming from red and swollen eyes.
 
Once those dreaded last two sessions of Anapada meditation started, Justin had a thought; "What if, for some reason, progressing along the path taught here requires a certain amount of Anapada in order to move forward?" Justin kept referring back to the boiling pot analogy. Water doesn't boil just because you want it to, it must be prepared. First, it needs a container suitable for boiling. No plastic here, must use metal. Yet just because you put water in a metal pot, does not mean it will boil, it must then be placed on a burner. But still more is required. You must turn on the heat. What? No boiling water yet? Ah, you must wait, as the heat does it's job to the water. Then, and only then, will you get boiling water. So many religions and philosophies say, in essence, that boiling water is what is required for happiness, but they have a very hard to understand method of how to get that water to boil, and some just say you need the boiling water with no directions at all as to how to make that happen. And here, someone was trying to teach Justin, step-by-painstaking-step, just how to reach the goal. Only Justin did not know it would take so much work. Justin was gifted in many areas of thought, and had gotten by in life mainly using those gifts. He had never really had to work at anything. Which is why, when actual work was required, Justin tended to run the other way. He had never been exposed, taught or made to understand why it was so important. And without at least the why, Justin refused to accept anything. But Goenka kept repeating; "Continuity of practice is the secret to success. You must work. You must work ardently, patiently, persistently." He said this over and over. These three words scared Justin. He believed himself incapable of such a task. He could only hope that the gifts he had been given, would be enough to make up for what he lacked. And so, Justin attempted what he had never fully attempted before. To work.
 
Day four started like any other day at the center. He slept till 6:30, ate breakfast while looking down at his food, careful not to look other practitioners in the face, as any and all communication was forbidden, even gestures. He was curious how the day would unfold, as this was the first day of actual Vipassana Meditation. Justin had images in his mind of being in a deep meditative trance, doing whatever it is you do in Vipassana, and all these hidden and unknown psychological issues would come bubbling to the surface, releasing him from his mental bondage. Why did he think this? Had read that anything of the sort had happened to Buddha during his enlightenment? No. Had he been led to believe this would happen by Goenka? No. So why? Probably because his take was on what Vipassana must be, was that of a psychiatrist. After all, that is what they do. They ask you question after question and you talk and talk, and eventually, if it works, unearth some long forgotten complex that supposedly lies at the root of your issues. Justin's view of Vipassana was similar, except that instead of having a therapist, you do the work yourself. He was both very right, and very, very wrong in this view.
 
On the website, Vipassana is described in the context of why but not in the context of how. As it turns out, the how would not make sense to a normal person, steeped in ignorance and thinking their current ways of thought to be the only ways of thought, or the very least, the best way of thought. But Justin and his fellow practitioners had been locked away from that world, and placed into a world of no opinions or feelings other than what arose naturally within them, in this serene, natural atmosphere. They could not compare notes with each other, or even take notes for that matter. So build-up of negativity could not take place, nor could one try to understand the technique by relying on someone else's take on it. Each man and woman had to understand it for themselves, by experiencing it directly, without any outside interference, including that of the other meditators. It doesn't have to make sense at first. You take a vow on the first day, to do exactly as the teacher (Goenka) instructs, the way he instructs it, in order to give the the technique a fare trial. If, after 10 days, you see no results, throw it away. But of course it is believed there will be results. After all, When Goenka started teaching Vipassana, there was only one center in the world, in Burma. Goenka started teaching his first course outside of Burma, in India, for the sake of his mother. He wanted her to know the truth, and be released from the suffering we all endure. The first course in India was attended by his mother and 12 other family members. Soon, people from all over began to show interest, and a facility had to be purchased, instead of rented. So many people were coming out of their misery, or were on the path to, that Vipassana began to spread like wildfire. The year he began in India was 1969. Each new center that opened and operated, was done so only with the donations given by previous students. In fact, you are not allowed to donate, unless you have taken a 10 day course, so that you will be giving with a pure heart and know exactly what your money, or time, will be going toward. Today dedicated Vipassana centers operate in over 12 countries, number over 200 actual centers, with many other courses being held in rented buildings such as churches, schools, etc... The truth spreads quickly it seems. Goenka gets no money from this, and says the courses will always be free, to keep the teaching from being commercialized and polluted. Also, knowing that for 10 days, you must rely on the charity of others for your food and your shelter, helps to deflate the ego. That is necessary to pursue the truth properly.
 
 
Justin walked into the meditation hall, eager for the actual teaching of Vipassana to begin. Goenka's voice was heard over the sound system; "Start with a calm, clear mind. Continue to be aware of the breath. But now, focus on the entire outer nose area, and the area above the upper lip. No longer focus on the inside of the nose. Soon, you will begin to feel sensations in these areas. They could be gross sensations like you experienced yesterday, or more subtle sensations...sensations you may have never experienced before."
 
"WHAT!?!?!" Justin thought, blood racing. "More of the nose? More of the sensations? What the hell???" It was almost unbearable. Justin wanted to shake the man talking from the CD and scream "WHEN DO WE GET TO THE GOOD SHIT!?!?!?!" It had never occurred to Justin, that the reason he was so miserable in this instance, is because he had an expectation. This expectation had turned into a craving. As Buddha had said it would. As Goenka had said it would. And this craving had resulted in misery once the object of craving was not satisfied. As Buddha said it would. As Goenka said it would. Had he just remained in the moment, observing the reality that was, with no expectation, there would have been no misery. Also, the "sittings of strong determination" had started. This meant, during the whole hour, you could not change your posture, open your eyes, open your hands or open your legs. And this was to remain so until the 10th day. For some, it was easier than thought. For others, it was harder than they thought. For all, it was beneficial. Out of respect for the practice, and knowing that the "head knowledge" of Vipassana must be accompanied by the practice of Vipassana, I will not go further into the actual technique.
 
Halfway through day 4, Justin exited the meditation hall, mind in turmoil and ass in pain. Sitting still for an hour while focusing your mind on one thing was hard work. He knew the reasoning behind this step. He knew that Goenka was training him to strengthen and sharpen his mind, and that to progress in Vipassana you must have that. But that knowing could not dilute the fact that in sitting still for an hour, and not daydreaming or thinking of anything, that Justin's own personal demons were rising to the surface, completely unimpeded. Before, when Justin would sense these mental vampires rising in his mind, he would just play a video game, read a book, surf the net, or take part in some other distraction to keep them at bay, However, the meditation center was a place designed to make sure you could not do any of that. You must face your demons, like Luke Skywalker venturing into the Cave of Evil.
"What's in there?" asked Luke
"Only what you take with you." replied Yoda.
 
Approaching his dorm, mind full of misery, and also anger at having that misery, Justin noticed something out of the corner of his eye. Stopping in his tracks, to the right, near where the deer could be found from time to time, he noticed the profile of two large ears. Peering closer and shielding his eyes from the sun (the weather had been quite remarkable for winter) he could see a very large and very peaceful doe, laying down right beside where he had been sitting the previous day. "Oh shit!" Justin thought. "If I can just move very slowly, very quietly, I may be able to get close enough to sit down on the wooden platform...if I can do that...hell I may be able to pet that beautiful creature!" And so began the 5 minute creep that Justin hoped would lead him to touching a wild deer. Closer....(crack) "shit".....closer......(crunch) "ah damnit"....closer....And then, seemingly out of thin air, four more deer, all laying down, heads pointed directly at him, eyes staring into his own, materialized in front of Justin's very eyes. He had been so intently focused on the task at hand, the rest of the world had just....dissappeared. Now, seeing a total of 5 deer, and what's that? One...two...3 more? All grazing on berries behind the others...the shock of it all disrupted his focus, and the deer he had been "stalking" in the beginning must have sensed it, because she got up, moved 5 yards further away, and sat back down. "Ah shit....oh well" Justin thought. He slowly finished walking to the platform, sat down, and gazed at the deer. It then occurred to him that his misery was gone. The wonder and awe of nature had completely obliterated his suffering...at least for now. An hour must have gone by while Justin observed the animals. He noticed that the deer who were laying down, would chew and chew and chew and chew...without bending down to pick up any more berries. He looked closer, and could see, every now and then, some movement in the throat of the deer. "Huh..." Justin thought, "they must be like cows, regurgitating what is in their stomach, and chewing it up again and again. Interesting!" It was about that time he heard a rustle behind him, and every deer's head jerked up, looking behind him. "What the hel-" Justin began to think, looking over his shoulder. His thought was stopped cold when he saw another 7 deer enter the clearing behind him, completely unafraid and boldly confident. He did not see the peace in the eyes of these deer that the others represented. Only a meeting of equals. Being completely surrounded by deer now, a total of at least 15, Justin was both in ecstasy and also a little unnerved. "If they wanted to hurt me, now would be the time to do it" he thought. But after an intense stare off, one side being Justin and the peaceful deer, the other being the "intruding" over-confident almost arrogant deer, the bolder group moved on, presumably to less crowded grazing areas. "Woah" Justin thought, "this is gonna be great when I write a short story about the trip".
 
Justin's anger had begun to fade, and was instead replaced by a deep abiding sadness. Laying in his bunk, he wondered if he had it in him to learn the technique. It was obviously not going to be a walk in the park. It was obviously going to take hard work, regardless of his "gifts". He wished he was capable of meditating during the "optional" times, when it was not required to be in the hall. But he was not. His mind was just too unstable. He knew if he pushed himself too hard, his mind would snap like a dry twig under a boot heel. There was a fine line Justin knew he must walk, between pushing himself beyond his comfort zone, but not to the point of becoming a mindless zombie, completely incapable of even the slightest bit of mental work during the rest of the course. When Justin did push himself too far, which had happened many times in the past, the results were never good. Usually the aforementioned "zombie" state would take hold, rendering him completely useless, to himself or anyone else. And that was the preferable result from Justin pushing himself too hard. If not that, then the stress and pain in his mind would result in extreme anger and self-destructive tendencies. So Justin continued to walk the line....careful not to fall off, fully aware of the consequences.
 
That night Justin dreamed. What few dreams he usually remembered, did not mean much. They were usually of flying around in the air, but never like Superman. More like a bird. He could always feel gravity's pull on him. But by gliding and riding wind currents with the power of his mind, he could stay aloft indefinitely, his pursuers cursing him from below as Justin giggled. But this dream was different. It had meaning and was crystal clear... Justin found himself sitting in the passenger seat of "Wild Thing", the old customized Chevy Silverado he had owned for a short time before leaving Seattle. Looking to the driver's seat, Justin saw an odd sight. Every guy he had ever been friends with, that was edgy or was known as a "bad-boy", had been amalgamated into one young man. Whenever Justin would look at this guy's face, it would contort and twist, one facial feature melting and blending into another, constantly shifting. Just as Justin was about to wonder why he was riding shotgun in his own truck, "Mr. Bad Boy", as Justin had begun to think of him, punched the accelerator to the floor, screaming 'YEEEEEEHAWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Somehow Justin had a rear-view of the truck, fishtailing back and forth, burning rubber and picking up speed fast. At first it seemed fun, but the thought occurred to him; "What if a cop sees us?" And as if on cue, they flew by a cruiser driving in the oppositte direction. "Oh shit!" Justin thought. In the rear-view mirror, he could see the cop swing around, lights flashing. Mr. Bad Boy spoke up, "Hey watch this!" They had been speeding down a road that was elevated above the surrounding land, like driving along a narrow ridge, steep grassy slopes lining either side. The crazed driver of Wild Thing veered suddenly, at a sharp right angle, foot still slammed down on the gas. Somehow they didn't flip, and went careening down the grassy decline. "WOOHOOOO!!!!" screamed the many-faced pilot. Justin knew the cop would not follow them down such a dangerous descent, and hoped they were home-free. But once again, as if on cue, two police cars edged their way in front of the now slowing vehicle, and another pulled in behind them. Trapped! "Out of the car!" he could hear coming from one of the vehicles. Justin exited the truck, hands in the air, trying to explain, "It wasn't me, I had no idea he would act like that". The cops looked at him, puzzled. "He who?" They all seemed to ask at once. "HIM!" Justin said, trying to point towards Mr. Bad Boy. It was only then, that he realized he had exited the truck on the driver's side. There was no one else in the truck. It had been him the whole time. It was at this point that he knew he was dreaming, and he understood the meaning; that if he lets the "bad-boy" drive in his life, it will always end in misery. And in the end, he would have no one to blame but himself.
 
"Woah" Justin said quietly to himself, waking from the dream. "That was deep". It was day 5. By now, he was starting to realize that the technique was not what he thought it was going to be. And in his unstable mind-frame, he wondered if he had wasted his time in coming here, and if he had actually caused a regression instead of a progression in his search for truth. Anger, sadness, and hopelessness welled up within Justin during the first two meditative sessions. He kept trying to do as the teacher instructed. But those voices in his head would just not shut up. "What's the point?" they said. "This is bullshit. How is this going to help? You have waaaaaaay too many issues for something so simple to have any real lasting effect on you. Don't drink the kool-aid Justin. These people are all fooling themselves, mass hysteria. You know better." Justin knew this voice well. The voice of supposed "reason". The voice that was always negative and condescending, unless motivated by greed. Justin knew of only one way to silence this voice in this place, without breaking any of the precepts he had taken upon arriving. No one had been allowed to bring writing tools, paper, or anything like that. But Justin wanted to draw, something he had not done in years, and when he sets his mind to something, he makes it happen. On the first day, Justin had noticed a lone piece of burnt tree branch lying next to the main path. Today Justin would find that piece of burnt wood, and use the charcoal that had been created in it during the burning process to draw something, and hopefully distract his disturbed psyche. He had only one piece of paper on which to draw; the course map they had given him on the first day. Taking paper, wood and a desire to create, Justin sat on the wooden platform outside his dorm, and began to draw. Since he had arrived, the beautiful berry trees had never ceased to captivate him. The deep, rich color. The twists and turns of the many trunks. So full of character! Breaking off a piece of charcoal that he hoped would not turn to black dust, he began...and a tree that stood before him started to appear on the paper. Once again able to focus on something other than himself, his mind calmed.
 
It was in this calm mind state that Justin headed to the meditation hall, for the six pm meditation session. "Okay," he thought, "I may not be able to do this right now, but at the very least I can just sit silently for an hour, and hope the new instructions given tomorrow will be something I can actually use." And Justin sat. He had sat for about 5 minutes, when it occurred to him, "well shit I might as well give it another shot. I'm stuck here for the hour." Employing the technique as he had learned it thus far, Justin began to meditate. And something odd happened. Time seemed to disappear. Even though he knew he was at the back left side of the hall, it felt to him as though he were in the very middle. And instead of being surrounded by fellow practitioners, like he knew he was, it felt as though he were all alone. In his brain, a part of him knew he was in his normal seat, and everyone else was there like normal...but in his heart, he was in the hall alone, in the very center, with time not just frozen, but non-existent. Justin no longer felt like he was 5 foot 10. It seemed as though the space his body occupied was at least 8 feet tall, and quite wide as well. His body no longer felt like a physical thing. The pain in his shoulder, which before was very intense, seemed like a signal coming from another world. He knew that normally all the unpleasant sensations his body was experiencing by sitting still for an hour could be construed as "pain", but in this state, he just saw them for what they were; signals alerting his brain that something was happening in those body parts. Nothing more. As time had vanished, he wasn't sure how long he was in that state. But then it occurred to him; this is what Buddha had referred to as the first Jhana. Or it certainly seemed to fit the description. And with that knowledge, he remembered the warning of Buddha; Do not become attached to this state, because if you do, you will not able to push past it, to full liberation. So Justin remained equanimous, neither craving nor being averse. Experiencing reality as it is. Knowing that whatever arises, must also pass away. Somewhere, off in the distance, Justin could hear the sound of Goenka's voice. It sounded so very far away. Slowly, Justin became aware of his eyelids, and opened them. The session was over. The sound he had heard was Goenka telling the students to take a 5 min break before the evening discourse. Justin tried to turn his head to look around, but it responded as if he were encased in molasses. It dawned on Justin, that the act of opening his eyes had not removed him from the first Jhana. "This is real..." he thought.."holy shit."
 
After slowly coming back to full "awareness", (That remained to be proven to Justin. The place he had just been seemed more real than anything he had ever experienced) he knew he had to express what had just happened to him, to someone. He could not hold it in. And since the only person he was allowed to speak to was the Assistant Teacher, up he went to the front of the hall, to talk to the guy for the first time since arriving. Not wanting to freak the guy out, he just said "I felt something....and I want to thank you."
"Good, good." The man responded, a knowing and compassionate smile spreading across his obviously educated and kind face. "Now, just don't get attached" he said with a grin.
"Oh yes, yes, I'm working on that" Justin said, smiling like a giddy school girl and walking outside to stretch his arms and body before the hour long discourse and hour meditation session after that. The urge to try to recapture that state of perfect equanimity and truth tried to take hold of him, but he resisted. He knew it would be only because of craving, which leads to attachment, which always ends in misery. He was contented with the knowledge that it happened, that he hadn't even tried to attain it, it just arose on it's own. Any effort done to try to attain that state is not done from a pure heart. Justin felt he had been given a gift. An experience, something that could never be taken from him. And one other thing also; if the word of Buddha were to be taken literally, and if that state really was the first Jhana, then Justin was now what is called a "Stream-Enterer". A stream-enterer is the first level of liberation one attains in Buddhism. One who has reached this state will be reborn no more than 7 times before attaining full liberation. As you progress through the Jhanas, the successive rebirths dwindle down to full liberation in this very life, with no need for rebirth at all. Regardless, Justin had found a peace from this experience that would make all the pain and suffering worth it.
 
That night Justin had another vivid, meaningful dream. He was standing in the middle of a road, where two school buses had been run off the highway. The men who had ran the buses into a ditch were all dressed in shiny armor, like medieval guards, their weapons being long pikes or spears. They ran towards the buses trying to stab the children through the small windows. The children were all screaming in terror, the sounds of weapons scraping at the buses, glass breaking, metal tearing, spurred Justin into action. He ran at the closest Guard, wrestled the pike away from him, and tried to stab him in the face, through the Guards helmet visor. The weapon became stuck, and Justin had to get very close to the man to see how to work the pole-arm loose. Peering into the Guard's helmet, he saw something that changed everything. What at first glance seemed like a man's face contorted in anger, quickly changed to that of a crying child, in pain and misery. A sudden burst of emotion ripped through Justin, and he began crying as well, for a realization had occurred to him. That anyone, acting in anger, is only crying out in pain, like that of a child. There the two of them wailed, and all at once, every child on the bus stopped screaming in fear, looked directly at Justin, and called out in unison, "PRAISE GOD! THE WALL HAS BEEN BROKEN, THE VEIL HAS BEEN TORN!!"
 
Justin awoke with his mind was finally calm. He still felt small amounts of agitation from certain men in his dorm or those sitting near him in the hall. Constant coughing in his ear, an ass always in his face, and violating his personal space were hard not to react to. But he did notice an extreme lessening of how he would normally respond to these things, and once the action was over, it was out of his mind. By day 7, all agitation had ceased. Justin's mind had become a sea of tranquility, not a single wave upon it. Never had he experienced more than a few moments of such a thing. Now there were days.
 
Something else happened which stuck Justin as curious. During the first 7 days, when agitation was present in his brain, he would inevitably stumble across the deer in his walks. However, during the last 3 days, (when his mind was finally at peace) he took just as many walks, but did not see the deer a single time. And felt no loss. He was not attached, and he was pleased by that. He did however wish he could see them one last time before he left, to say good-bye. On day 10, now able to speak, as the vow of silence had been lifted, he was on his way back to the dorm after a session, and said aloud "Where are the deer?". Immediately, turning the corner to the back-stairs, there they were. He had walked so fast and quietly, that his question said aloud as he rounded the corner spooked the one deer that was less than 3 feet away. For a split second, time seemed frozen. The deer looked Justin in the eyes, and Justin returned the look. Both looks said "Oh shit!". Time resumed, and the deer bounded back to it's normal 10 yard distance. It was then Justin noticed it was not just one deer, it was 6. Justin wanted to stay and watch them but it was freezing out, his jacket was inside, and lunch was about to start. "Well," he said to the deer, "I wanted to say goodbye. But more than that. Thank you. Your help cannot be measured." Justin was not sure if he were truly speaking to the deer, or something else entirely. Either way, it came from his heart. Justin could finally hear his heart, and would be forever changed. The constant itching of his brain had ceased, and Goenka's words kept flowing into his consciousness..."No itch is eternal."