Today is August 8th, 2011. That means it's been a little over a month since Kim and I have been living out of her car. I'd have to say that the first week is by far the worst. For me, at least. The days were fine. During the week, I'd hang out at Starbucks and research on the laptop, or relax at a park, maybe smoke a little green in the car, depending on my mood. Weekends also tended to be fun. With no home to be lazy at, with no couch to "potato", you tend to do more stuff. Dining out, movies, reading at a library or Barnes&Nobles, chillin in the car listening to the decent sound system. If you're a beach person, it gets even better. For some reason the prospect of having to attain parking always makes me think twice about heading to one of the beaches around here. Plus, I think the appeal of the beach for many people, is they don't get to see it very often, so there's a sense of urgency to experience it when they can. But when you live 5 miles away from the beach...it's not so tempting. We haven't been there a single time this month.
The hard part, in the beginning at least, was finding a place to sleep. Since you aren't legally allowed to sleep in your car (wtf? Land of the free my ASS) you have to find a spot you won't be hassled by cops or security. We found out that the Walmart's here don't let you stay more than a day. 24 hour Fitness (the gym we shower at) doesn't let you sleep either, even if you ARE a member. We found a couple decent places, but they were kind of secluded, so it didn't feel very safe. Finally we decided to look for residential streets, near apartment complexes where people mind their own business, and to look close to the gym, so we wouldn't have to drive far in the morning. It wasn't long before we found the perfect spot, with street parking and condos/apt's everywhere. Quiet, safe, no security or police patrols. When it gets to be around 10pm, we head to the gym parking lot, put most of the stuff from the back into the passenger seat. Kim get's in the back, then fixes all the windows with rolled up pillowcases clamped, so that when we pull up to our spot, all I have to do is unclamp them, and the pillowcases roll down like shades, keeping the street lights from blinding us and people from looking in. We put a towel up blocking the rear window, and a foil sunshade to block the windshield. We do this fast and quiet. You don't want the residents to know you are in the car. You want them to think you live in one of the apt's. The windows are kept cracked 3 inches to allow heat and moisture to escape. Stormy always sleeps with us, and she's a happy cat. We keep her litter box in the back floorboard on the passenger side, and keep it cleaned daily. Her food and water is in the front floorboard, in a deep office organizer so it doesn't spill as we drive around. The car is like her personal amusement park, so many tunnels and crawl spaces. She loves going under the seats, over the seats, on the dash, under the pillows and everywhere else, all in the space of a few seconds when she gets excited :P We kept the little carpet door hanger (its for cats to scratch) and hung it from the hook over the driver's side back door. She claws that and NOT the leather seats. She's a good kitty.
So. I have proven to myself that I CAN do this, and won't go crazy. That's good. The bad part, so far, is that I feel EXACTLY the same as before, when I lived in the apt. I still have good days, I still have horrible days. Maybe it will take more time for a different mindset to develop, or maybe one will not develop at all. And a couple "new" things have happened internally; 1) I have accepted my Asperger's. For 2 years I have known about it, because it was pointed out by Kim. At the time, when she told me, I looked it up, saw she was probably right, and kind of dismissed it. I was still dealing with being a probable sociopath/narcissist at the time. Many things about me fit that, and the things that didn't I ignored. But for some reason I felt led this month to truly research Asperger's, and deeply analyze my past and current life, and core personality. Instead of trying to understand one or two odd things about myself, it appeared that Asperger's took EVERYTHING about me, everything that made me different and not like regular people, and tied it all together in one neat and tidy category. Asperger's. Because it is a form of high-functioning Autism, it affects almost everything about how you see and interact with the world. It's a difference in the brain. Some would call it a "abnormality", and while that is certainly true in the literal sense (it's not "normal", after all, where normal here means NeuroTypical) the inference there is that it's BAD, which it is NOT. Assuming of course, that you want to be yourself, and not try to "become" neurotypical. Growing up not knowing I had this, I tried 2 opposing things at the same time. I was trying to "boost" my good Asperger qualities (analyzation, critical thinking, super senses, memory) and "inhibit" my bad Asperger qualities (rocking back and forth, finger-flapping, weird noise making, social anxiety, not fitting in, not being athletic, being temperature sensitive, sound sensitive). It turns out, I should have just accepted myself as I was a long time ago, but many of the complexes that arose from dealing with all that, plus my horrible home life, put me on the journey I am on today. Which leads me to the second thing that has changed; I want to go to India, to find an enlightened master to help guide me in the ways of meditation and also to be saturated in a culture that truly understands and encourages spiritual growth via renunciation. I have been a renunciate all my life, by sheer instinct. This life calls to me, and I do not know how long I will be able to resist. I have much preparation if a teacher is to find me worthy and ready for instruction. I have done the research, and know that for me, this is the only way I will make the progress I seek. Do not be surprised if you see a blog titled "On My Way To India, see ya in 10 years!" :D
