(an account of my 1 and half day wilderness jaunt, back in October)

Wilderness Trip Day 2 October 11th, 2010

Day two, you ask? What happened to Day one? Well, I'll start from the beginning.

Day 1 Kim and I had a great trip up here to Golden Trout Wilderness Trailhead, called "Jerkey" Trailhead. Upon

arriving, there was a bit of confusion as to where I should start.  There was a volunteer ranger around, so we

asked him. His response; "Well, by HORSE, it takes 45 minutes to get to the first split, another 45 minutes to

the  second split, another 45 to the third split, then another 4 hours to get to the lakes, where you're going."Upon hearing that, I should have re-thought this whole thing,  But, stubborn as always, I disregarded the fact

that horses walk 4 times faster than humans.  It was over 80 degrees and I knew water could be an issue. But

for some odd reason, I had assumed that even though the lakes would take me one or two days to get to, that

the river itself would appear MUCH sooner, solving my water problems. So Kim followed me for a little, then we

hugged and kissed and she left.  I was completely alone and resource-less, except for my small amount of gear.

I brought no food, so that I would be forced to get it from the land.The land is beautiful. But at first, I wasn't able to appreciate much of it, as I was so tired, all my focus was on

keeping moving forward. I had to stop and rest countless times.  Upon one such rest, I noticed something,

someone had left a medical bottle of WEED on a log, half full!! WTF?>! Damn stoners, lol. I pocketed it, of

course. I wasn't sure if I would be able to smoke it, since I didn't bring a lighter, just my firesteel. Halfway before

I made camp, I noticed how tired I was getting, and what slow progress I was making, It was at this point that I

began to doubt the river was close by. A little fear crept in. But I renounced that fear and kept truckin'. The sun

was getting low in the sky, sometimes completely hidden by the peaks I was surrounded by.  And so, as I

hiked, I began looking for a good place to set up camp.  But I waited too long. I new I didn't have time to build a

fire AND shelter, so I opted to find a natural shelter and build a fire there. I came upon this great big boulder

formation, one of the largest I'd seen, and it had a perfect little over-hang that I could just squeeze into. Since

shelter had been found, a fire was seriously needed. Had I built my own shelter, it would have been insulated

from the cold. But this natural one was very drafty and cold.  So I gathered some firewood, used dry pine

needles for tinder and began throwing sparks at it with my firesteel. Over-and-over-and-over!! It just would NOT

ignite! And by this time, it was completely dark, only star light provided any illumination for me.So I couldn't search for better tinder. In a flash of genius, I tore a page out of my "Forager's Harvest" and tried

to use that. But glossy stock just doesn't work well. I think my problem, was the air is too thin. And I was

dealing with "altitude sickness". 10,000 ft up, most people that get it feel nauseous and get headaches. I was nauseous

and threw up twice, losing precious fluid.  I knew I had a cold, COLD night ahead of me. So I put on every piece

of clothing I had. My thermal underwear, my extra pair of socks, my Nike shirt and my sleeveless shirt.  The pair of shorts I

used as a pillow. Since I stopped at dark, I'm guessing it was seven or eight.  So, for the next 12 hours or more,

I tried to sleep, since I was SO exhausted. Oh, and I wore my hoody sweatshirt. But sleep would not come. I couldn't stop shivering, my teeth kept chattering, and since I had spotted bear

scat less than 500 yards away, (with both bear and mountain lion tracks on the trail) and had no fire to ward off

mountain lions, I kept one eye open and felt a true instinctual fear. Visions of being ripped from my hidey-hole

by large teeth and claws haunted me as I drifted into sleep for minutes at a time, then back awake for 30 minutes or so. All

night it was a miserable HELL. I tried every position imaginable, but my feet kept sticking out, so they were by far

the coldest part of me. Kim would have fit perfect. Baby, if you're reading and/or transcribing this for me, I just

want you to know, I love you. I love you so much. You are a truly amazing woman, and I will never forget that.

You can choose to omit that from the typed version, or leave it in. :)So, I watch the sunrise, which would be awesome, but I'm just too cold to care.  I did find a chokecherry bush

loaded with cherries, which I picked, they tasted really good but I was still nauseous from either: a) lack of food;

b) lack of water; or c) altitude sickness. Still am, in fact.I packed up my gear, and got back on the trail. I had gone for, maybe 30 minutes to an hour, and it kept

getting steeper and steeper. I realized, that even if I could somehow make it over the mountain into the river

valley, I would be so exhausted. And I already WAS exhausted. It occurred to me that my body had already used

it's energy stores, and would be using fat to keep me alive. That process requires water. Which I didn't have. Then I imagined, after

17 days out there, I would have to hike back, weak , and no-telling in what frame of mind. It was a hard decision to make, with so much time and energy put into the mountain lake excursion. So, I decided to head

back, and then figure things out from there.The trip back was long and arduous. I was actually quite proud of myself from the day before. The walk back

was mostly downhill, and I STILL had to stop a lot. So the fact that I made it that far UPHILL blew me away.

"So Here I sit, broken-hearted. Had to shit, but only farted."

That sums up how I feel right now. I have no idea

if I will wait it out here, and have Kim pick me up on the 27th like we planned, or have a ranger call and come

early. We shall see. I have water here, and big outhouses. If I have to, I can sleep in there.

October 13th, 2010 - Wednesday

So maybe you are wondering, what happened? Well, as I was writing Monday's entry, the words of The Clash

kept ringing in my ears; "Should I Stay or Should I Go Now? If I go there will be trouble, if I stay it will be

double." Which is kind of funny, because during the entire 4 mile hike back to trailhead. I had "I Saw The Sign" stuck in

my head. "Life is demanding, without understanding". Man, truer words were never spoken. So, as I pondered,

I looked at the camp sites around the trailhead. Very nice, but I still needed to make a fire and shelter if I

planned to stay.It was at this point that I came to terms with the most debilitating factor of my trip. Altitude sickness. The website I had done most of my research on this area with had warned of it. I had

vastly underestimated how serious it can be in a survival situation.  In all the survival shows I'd watched and

research I'd done, the one thing I hadn't factored on was, what if, in my survival scenario, I became exhausted

or sick? I rarely get sick, and I figured I wouldn't get exhausted, even with my over-heating condition, because I

could go at my own pace. I was wrong on both counts. The steep  4 mile hike up the Sierra Nevada's Sequoia

National Forest and into the Golden Trout Wilderness had been way more strenuous than I had planned. One

of my toes had a blister the size of a marble, and many more were forming. There was zero electricity or

phones, or people for that matter. The closest settlement was 17 miles away.And now, with exhaustion, and the altitude sickness, I could no longer think clearly or summon the energy to try

to make a fire of shelter. I now understood how it was possible for Chris McCandless to die out there in Alaska, so close to civilization. I didn't want to die, so I decided to get Kim to come get me. I felt like a huge failure, for not completing what I

set out to do. Now that I knew I wanted to go home, the only task left was to wait for someone to come to the end of this 17

mile road in the middle of nowhere. It looked like I had yet another cold night here in the wilderness.But with the outhouses and water spicket, I felt much better about my chances. One problem; the altitude

  sickness was getting worse. I puked twice more, felt weak, disoriented and the unbearable nausea was the

worst I'd ever felt.  And then, just an hour or so before dark, a jeep pulled up. THANK YOU!!!! The mexican

driver and his filipino friend, after hearing my story, agreed to go to a phone and call Kim for me.  They even

gave me FOOD!! I took two bites and threw it up. How sad, to be blessed so, and have it wasted. I put the rest

of my burrito in my backpack and hoped the ants wouldn't find it. I knew there was a chance the guys might not call for me, but I was hopeful. With renewed hope and energy, I

entered the outhouse and hunkered down for the night. As expected, the concrete was cold and hard, even

with all my clothing on. For a second night in a row, I was sleeping in my cowboy boots. "Hmmm..." I thought,

"Maybe this is what being a cowboy is like" But then I remembered, Cowboys have HORSES and that I

wouldn't be suffering like this, had I one as well. In fact, the trail to the lakes is mainly used by folks on horseback, and part of it is even a cattle drive during

certain times of the year. Pretty narrow, too. They must go single-file.

As you can imagine, with no moon, no electricity and no fire, that mountain was pretty dark, especially in the

outhouse. I tried to sleep but every time the monstrous wind blew through the trees, it sounded like freeway

traffic, and I kept hoping it was Kim. Those guys hadn't come back, so I assumed they were either waiting till

tomorrow to come back, or they flaked on me. At one thirty in the morning, I found out.

KIM ARRIVED!!!

The drive from Orange County is 6 hours so it took her a while, but she made it!!!When she arrived, my worries were put to rest. She wasn't mad, she wasn't disappointed, or even grumpy. She

was just as happy to see me as I was to see her. After hugging for what seemed a very blissful eternity, I drove

us back to Orange County, fighting nausea the whole way.So, I spent two sunsets in a true mountain wilderness. Far short of the 17 days I had hope for , but I did learn a

few things.1) Bears and Mountain Lions are much scarier when you are sleeping under a boulder with no fire.2) I'm no Mountain-Man. At least not a 10,000 ft high Mountain-Man. Altitude sickness is NO JOKE.3) That wilderness skills should be nearly perfected in a controlled environment, BEFORE a wilderness trip.4) That blind excitement and a Superman complex can end very badly.5) And this is the most important. I have gained perspective. All the little things I bitch and moan about are

nothing when confronted with a true survival scenario. Had I been just a day or two later in getting Altitude Sickness, there would have been no way I could have

made it back to the trailhead. Unless someone stumbled upon me, I would have died. I was lucky. I have a

  new-found appreciation for the things that truly matter in my life. Namely, Kim, Dad and a hope for a better life

through simplicity. My dream of self-sufficiency is not over, just delayed. I believe it will be a "piece-by-piece"

experience now, instead of a crash-course.

All in all, this was a very humbling experience. And maybe that is why I had it. In order to go through the

transformation that I hope to achieve, my ego must die. And it's well on its way. By the way, I completely

forgot to bring my camera. But when Kim left to go back, after dropping me off, she took a great pic that I'll

post, of the mountains I was in.



Pretty ragged after my experience!

A Cliche With A Happy Ending

Soon Kim and I will be embarking on two epic journeys in the same month.  Epic Journey number one; leaving the "housed" life and embracing the free life.  A life of minimalism, anti-materialism, and being able to grasp a few more grains of sand as time slips through our fingers.  We will live in her car, a Scion box type hatchback.  Kim has a job, one that she loves, so we'll still have money.  But even with money, rent here in SoCal makes it so you can't really get ahead unless you have a middle-class income.  We have solved that problem.  First, we pay off Kim's car by making 2 payments a month instead of one.  Not possible when paying rent, but very possible when NOT paying rent.  Then, we save for an RV.  So, in a nut-shell, the first journey is the journey to freedom.  (of course, logistics like bathing and looking good for work have already been taken care of)

Journey number 2 is basically an opening celebration of journey number one.  We will be taking an awesome road trip from Orange Co where we live in SoCal, east across the south to GA where I have family I haven't seen since 2003.  Then we head north along the Atlantic coast, where Kim has never been.  Eventually we'll see DC, New York and all the sites associated with this.  Then we head west, coming upon the last major stop of the trip, Yellowstone.  We hope to spend a week there.  Over one month on the road, taking our time, actually experiencing these places, sleeping in the car, breathing the air. Not rushing through as fast as possible trying to get from point a to point b, then staying the rest of the time in hotels.  

This brings me to the cliche sort of mentioned in the title. "If you really love something, set it free, if it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with."  This sounds cheesy and most folks know it.  But we have 2 pet lady rats named Cloudy and Lightning.  They live in a cage and also gets lots of free-roam time here in the apt.  I did not think it fair to keep them cooped in the car with Kim, me and Stormy (our cat), without first letting them have a chance at freedom.  I felt compelled to release them into the wild, to let them choose.  A little voice said "If you let them go, you'll never see them again."  And I knew I was ok with that.  Part of developing the walk of an enlightened person, is learning to let go of past attachments and not generating new attachments.  I love those little buggers but I know I can not truly own anything, much less another living being.  So I was excited to give them their chance at freedom, regardless of the outcome.  

There is a nice protected wetlands near us called Bolsa Chica. It's a wetlands that runs into the ocean, lots of rabbits and squirrels.  Since rats are rodents, and so are rabbits and squirrels, I figured they would get along well.  Kim and I walked a little of the path, deep into the wetlands, and let them loose into the brush.  I also placed a bag of food and attached their waterbottle to a nearby chain link fence.  We stayed and played with Cloudy for a while.  She kept coming back to play, and Lightning had run off exploring.  As we left, Kim cried and I felt a little sad too.  I knew we were doing the right thing though.

One week later, the day before Kim's birthday, we went back.  We brought some animal crackers, to help our odds of finding them again.  That little voice spoke in my head once more, "They have long since departed the area you dropped them off at.  It'll be like a needle in a haystack"  But I knew we had to try.  So we arrive at the spot, throw a few animal crackers at our feet, and begin calling their names.  Most people don't know this, but rats will come to their names, same way a dog will.  And guess what?  First Cloudy showed up, then Lightning!  A little worse for wear but otherwise healthy, we took it as a sign that they liked living in their cage with unlimited food, water and love.  Boy did they chow down when we got them home! Kim's birthday became that much better :)

Fallout (a poem told from the perspective of the main character in Fallout 3)

As I fall to the floor, death closing in
I remember my actions, of good and of sin

The G.O.A.T. never knew it would end like this
Entering the wasteland to leave childhood bliss

Who knew pure water, safety and friends
Would be so important for the soul to cleanse?

Following in father's steps, out the great Vault door
Leaving everything behind, a child no more

In search of paternal understanding,
I found that life can be quite demanding

Nothing is free, and everyone has their price
In the DC Ruins, it doesn't pay to be nice

The man in the suit wanted to set off the bomb
A bullet in his head and the man was "dead calm"

Maybe he could have been persuaded
I finally see, that I was jaded

So much blood has been spilled at my hands
All because those killed would have spoiled my plans

Do the ends justify the means?
Is everything truly as it seems?

After saving father from Tranquility Lane
The deeds to do so almost drove me insane

Dad and son, now working together
Like minds, birds of a feather

Til the Enclave arrived and threatened the free
Father gave his life so that we could flee

Nothing left but the mission and a head full of pain
I emptied my agony in a hail of nuclear rain

With no help from the Brotherhood of Steel
I took all the Plasma weapons a brother could steal

Friends can be found in the unlikeliest of places
Vault 87 showed Super Mutants have many faces

Faukes was released and to show his grat,
He obtained the G.E.C.K. and tipped his hat

But the drama never ends, and soon I was in hell
Kidnapped by power-armored fascists and locked in a cell

A bee in a hornet's nest, with a little help from above
This Enclave president was no peaceful dove

To remake the world in their own image is what they sought
And it was against this ideology that we all fought

Raven Rock in flames, I had to be beat the clock
But lo as I exited the ruins, my good friend Faukes!

I can still see him laughing and shooting with delight
As he brought the soldiers and vertibirds down from flight

Missing my father, I took Faukes along
Great company, except when he sings a song

Scavengers and merchants were met by the way-side
I gained fame as co-author of the Wasteland Survival Guide

Three Dog sung my praises but my heart continued to be heavy
Murderous deeds and other things were barely held back by the levee

After following Liberty Prime in the hopes of a brighter tomorrow
I found myself here, with only choices that bring sorrow

Allow Sarah to enter the irradiated chamber and save us all
Or pay for my sins and finally take the fall
And so I fall....
And so I fall....

More beliefs, subject to change! :)

1)  That this life is nothing more than an advanced form of virtual reality, where nothing is truly real, other than the living beings you encounter.  The bodies are fake, but the consciousness driving the body is real.  The purpose of this VR is unclear, though it appears to be a training simulator, where the participants learn a series of things by living different "lives".  Just like in a video game, when you die, you start over as a new character, seemingly equal to your last, except you have gained wisdom and learned lessons with your last character that you will not have to learn again, so this life you spend experiencing other things.  This process repeats, over and over.  Buddha said you can escape this process much earlier, and end the suffering one endures within it.  To do this, one must become "enlightened", which means basically that you learn to see reality for what it really is.  Once you see this, your suffering stops, because you realize it's all just a game.  Not many people, especially Buddhists, would put it quite this way, but it is true nonetheless.

2) That though suffering is caused by false ideas and ignorance, the suffering itself is very real, because you can measure it's results.  So, because suffering is real, when you encounter it in the world, be compassionate.  If you understand that the world is false, chances are the person you encounter does NOT understand this, and suffers fully.  Feel their pain.  Remember your own.  Just as a normal person is so caught up in their own pain that they fail to see the pain they are causing in others, an "enlightened" person can become so detached from the world because they realize it's all just a simulator, that they fail to remember that the pain in others is REAL.  Remain grounded to the suffering of others.

3) Because the suffering of other living beings is real, one must refrain from CAUSING suffering to these beings.  Causing pain is a "negative" action, one which lowers your own and others "experience" and makes life worse as a result.  Some call this Karma.

4) Cause and effect is the true law of nature, and the only real law here in this "reality".  It is responsible for all that exists, and all that ever will.  Once the machine was set in motion (some call this "The Big Bang", I call it "Beginning The Simulator"), simple cause and effect predicated all that would ever happen.  This means that TRUE free will does not exist, since when you choose something, the variables which caused you to choose that specific thing are so numerous and varied, that there is no way it could all be consciously considered.  Instead, all that we do is pure reaction, controlled by every single event we have ever experienced, from our own unique perspective.

5)Our inner monologue or values system is truly just a justification system to rationally explain why we do what we do, instead of giving in to the maddening truth that we aren't really in control of what happens next.  For a person immersed into the world of the VR, the better they are at justifying their actions and life experiences, the better mental health that person has.  Hence why psychology is becoming so popular.  It promises all the answers to our ever growing psychosis.  Psychosis caused by living a life that deep down subconsciously we know is not real.  Through psychology, we gain ever more complex explanations for why our actions betray our values, or why our thoughts betray our actions.  We grow ever more confident that the answers to life can be gained from a psychologist or scientist, instead of from our own experience.  We rely on others expertise, because we are caught in a system of dependence on external stimulation.  We have to spend a large portion of our lives working for a wage in order to afford that external stimulation, thus depriving us of the time required to develop insight and wisdom of our own. Through this lack of wisdom or insight, we either seek out religion (which again is dependence upon others) or we seek science to give the answers that will put our curiosity at ease.  Surely using others viewpoints and opinions as a launching point of your own ideas is a practical and useful method, but too many people get "stuck on the diving board" instead of actually launching unique ideas.

6)Though anger is real, it is almost ALWAYS caused by ignorance, and therefore not to be trusted whenever it arises.  It must be dissected and analyzed before being responded to, in order to maintain it's authenticity.  Anger usually arises out of wounded pride.  This is NOT a good response to wounded pride.  Pride comes from a belief in the "self".  That the physical body and persona that is being maligned is "you".  And that this "you" is being insulted in some way and will cause that person and others to doubt the validity of this "self-image", this idol that represents "you".  We panic in these situations and arise in anger to defend our self-image.  But really, that is not "you".  It just a collection of processes that has a vague awareness of itself.  The real you is somewhere else, just watching the adventure unfold like the most lifelike movie you've ever seen!  Except YOU are actually playing a role as well!  How cool, right?  But just like how some people get so into a movie, that they yell at the screen or wonder why the stupid bitch decides to open that door, most people get so caught up in their "story" that they forget it's not real, and grow defensive of their character, thinking it to be them.  Do not do this.  Always remain equanimous, for growing happy or sad or angry at anything that happens here, is to be reacting to a game as though it were real.  This causes many delusions and psychosis.  Fear, comes first.  Fear of loss.  Fear of pain.  Fear of death.  To alleviate this pain, this paralyzing illusion, we engage in yet more illusions.  Fear of loss? Well just get so much of "it", that you'll never run out!  Fear of pain?  Well just make enough money that you can pay any doctor or shrink to take any pain away that you may ever have!  Fear of death?  Well just have children, a male preferably!  They will ensure your bloodline continues, which is ALMOST as good as living forever, right?  All this reaction to fear, is called greed.  Greed is ALWAYS a reaction to fear.  The greedier a person is, the more scared he is.  His greed is the remedy to his fear, replacing one psychosis for another, but instead of just harming himself, the greed harms himself AND those from whom he takes more than his share.

7)  That you are not to interfere in the experience of others.  Of course, as you will inevitably interact with other living beings, you will affect their world, and they yours.  Knowing this, try to make the affect a positive one, for it will ensure your experience will stay pleasurable and you will have the knowledge that you aided another on their journey.  However, in other circumstances, such as trying to dictate how others should live their life, never try to impose your views on others.  This never works out.  Not unless you have an army behind your back.  Just live your life, make your views known but do not condemn others, even if their actions seem cruel and ignorant.  Know that these people are on their own path, and you have NO IDEA what part of the path they are on,  Unless they just so happen to be at the right part, the only effect your ranting will get is condemnation and a bad impression of the truth.  If they ask, explain, and do so with kindness and understanding.

A new idea!

A thought has just occurred to me, that I believe will change much!  All this time, my being "avoidant" MAY have been caused by me losing my job as manager, back in 2007/2008.  For years, I had grown accustomed to seeing myself as "the manager".  It was something I had been after for years, mainly because whenever I got a job someplace, it seemed the only job worth actually having was the manager's.  All else seemed like peasant work and I assured myself I was no peasant!

My plan was to get a job, show the boss I was capable and then look for an opportunity to get ahead.  Job after job, I tried this.  Job after job, I found the process to be too long and tedious.  Then I stumbled upon Mom's Appliance.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, and also my ravenous desire for a management position, within 3 months I was running the store.  I liked being in charge.  It was as great as I had dreamed.  Over time, that small amount of power went to my head.  All my life, I have always played a role.  Never been "me".  This time, I was playing "Manager" role.  My "depression" (as I viewed it then) was still a big factor, but by being in charge, whenever I had to call in, I could finagle things around so that the owner never knew I hadn't shown up.  As long as sales were good, he stayed off my back.  I was able to stay manager of that store, and another store, for a total of about 3 years.  A record for me.  But eventually circumstances turned, and the desire to be manager was no longer a passion within me.  I was tired of playing that role.  What would be next?  After stumbling a few times, I realized I no longer wanted to role play any longer.  I wanted to be me.  Whatever that was.  And when you realize that you don't really know who YOU are, apart from a set of preferences gathered from friends and family, then things can get crazy.

But finally, today, i realized that my social phobia was based on my wanting to still be seen as "the manager" but not being able to play that role.  That caused a dilemma in my mind, at a subconscious level, manifesting itself as a deeply disturbed feeling around other people.  Now that I see it, I can manually disarm this "mind bomb" because I DON'T want to be seen as "the manager" anymore.  I don't want to be seen as ANYTHING.  Just see me for me, whatever your mind interprets that information to be.  :)