Sunday, November 27, 2011

We're all idiots. Every last one of us. I have explored mindsets, cultures, religions, philosophies, value systems, ethics, levels of understanding, kept asking "why", all for the purpose of finding the pure truth beneath all the BS. And what I have found is shocking, and disheartening... We're all idiots, refusing to see the truth that we logically know to be true, and also willfully believing certain things matter when there is no possible way they truly do. These two things combine to make the average person.

 I sense an unknown here, a variable that has not been factored in. And worst of all, I also sense that this factor is "unknowable" in the sense that we perceive "knowing". I now judge those who partake in easily refuted delusions much more kindly. For after all, every belief we have is a delusion, simply for the fact that it cannot be unequivocally proven. Those of us, like myself, who feel we partake in a righteous path of questioning and understanding, arrive at a location no better, and sometimes worse, than those who do not even attempt it.  

I hope that there is a point to life.  And I feel that perhaps there is.  But again, it is "unknowable" to our faulty and limited human perception.  But I also feel this....that EVERYTHING is a part of the whole plan, assuming there IS a point.  If there isn't...then WTF???  But basically it comes down to this; that apparently nothing matters, because even if it did, you would not be able to fathom HOW it mattered, the sheer and utter complexity and variables not even in our solar system, much less on Earth.  

I feel so much anxiety from this, because i feel that it DOES matter, even it appears not to, but deep down I also feel that however it all matters, I'll never know.  So I'm left feeling like what I say, think, and do, matter, but am left without a compass or guide to point me in the right direction.  I fear my head may just explode. 

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Everything is balloon animals.

So much confusion in the world today.  So much anger.  So much contention.  The how and the why are very complex.  Thousands, if not millions of variables all interacting together to produce the chaos you see in the world around us.  I am the type of person that looks around and thinks, "How did this all start?".  For in the answer to that question, lies the answer to our problems.  It may be an answer that is unpopular, but fact is fact whether we choose to accept it or not.

We look around the world and what do we see?  Presidents, countries, religions. corporations, schools, status, power, jobs (or lack thereof)...but how much of what we see is reality, and how much is a projection of our subconscious? "Whaaaaat?" you might say. But I ask for a good reason.  We know that everything that exists, does so at the subatomic level only.  Elementary particles make up the whole of the cosmos, and everything in it.  For the sake of understanding, we'll use atoms as our fundamental building block.  Most people know that everything is made of atoms.  What most do NOT realize, are the implications of such an astounding fact.

Most animals live a very basic life.  They search for food, they mate, they sleep.  Occasionally they frolic and play.  Humans seem to be the only animals that spend more time caught up in a deluded fantasy than on the basics on life.  I say a deluded fantasy, because that is what life has become for the majority of humans since we stopped gathering and started planting.  Agriculture led to more free time for the ruling class. The ruling class then began to go a little mad, with too much free time on their hands.  This madness led to all the cultural milieus we find ourselves in today.  After all, culture is nothing more than an accepted set of values and beliefs by a group of people.  This is usually started at the top of the authority ladder and works it's way down, spreading like a virus amongst the populace.  It builds upon itself, over and over, becoming ever more complex and convoluted.  Eventually, the people of earth were so busy trying to keep up with whatever culture they found themselves in, that actually LIVING was something they had no thought of, and wouldn't know how if they DID think of it.  This is the prison we find ourselves in today.  

Everything you see, almost, is balloon animals.  After all, balloon animals are all made of the same thing: balloons.  They are just inflated and twisted to resemble something from our mind.  Our mind recognizes the similarity, and thinks "Hey, that's a dog!" instead of thinking "Hey, that's a twisted and inflated piece of latex, which in itself is just millions of molecules arranged in a way that has latex like qualities, which in itself is really just atoms arranged in a way as to make the molecules that make up latex."  Whew, that's a mouthful!  Which is probably why we do not think in those terms.  But it is important that we remember the basic building blocks of reality.  For if we do not, we begin to think our balloon animals are real.  Concepts, like country, religion, employment, relationships, all these things are just role-playing games where we use the balloon animals as a reference and prop.  The madness of the ruling classes has spread to us all.  We have forgotten it's all just a game, and mistaken it for reality.  Like the philosopher who stated that civilization created a map so very like the real world, that we have overlaid that map upon reality and rest upon it as though it were real, as the true world rots beneath us, forgotten.  

So look around, and know that all is balloon animals.  You, your children, your boss, your job, your country, your religion.  It's all a fabrication, an image your mind makes out of the of the fantasy of concept and the subatomic particles that make up everything.  We are all legos, from the dying child in africa to the president of the united states.   All is equal, nothing is to be worried over, and anything is possible.  All is lego's, all is balloon animals.  Remember this, and your life will be much less stressful.  We are playing a game with these items, one that ends once you die.  Or do you just go to the next level?  Either way, try to remember it's all just a game. One you may not have asked to play.  So observe and question and make your own game if you have to.  But above all, remember that every human and animal and rock and tree and star and galaxy is all made of the same thing, therefore we are all one and any division you see is purely illusory.     

Friday, September 16, 2011

The Walking Dead

Have you ever seen the movie "The Crow"?
Did you revel in the reaping of what they did sow?

What might happen in a similar situation
Where a young boy abused, lost and forsaken

Dies inside and buries the pain deep
The corpse of his youth sent down into sleep

The clown makeup comes on, just as before
To hide the rotting and festering sores

But nothing he does can keep it locked away
This little demon wants to come out and play

It wants revenge and it wants it now
To "spread the love" oh boy and how!

This Crow doesn't kill, doesn't maim or stab
It's almost like he was made in a lab

Self-flagellation relived through memory
Justifies the cause of unending misery

Distilled anger and concentrated pain
A rage that is endless as the Seattle rain

While certain barbs and thorns arise from his exterior
His rotting flesh is still labeled "inferior"

When then one day the bird comes to visit
His namesake, his guide, this animal exquisite

A feeling of peace, of comfort, of grace
Soon takes away and begins to replace
The anger and pain from the paint on his face.

Though still dead in the eyes of his peers
He has a knowledge to protect him from sneers

An awareness of something larger than his pain
A purpose that might just erase the stain

And so he tries to clear to his head
This smiling, rotting, walking undead.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Sensation Seeking

Ever wonder why you do the things you do? Probably about half who read this will say yes, they do wonder what the motivations are behind their actions.  The second half will say no, they don't wonder such things because, in their mind, the answer is obvious.  But is it?  You are reading these words on the screen right now.  Why?  The second half may say "Because I want to", or any number of other causal factors.  But ask yourself this; WHY do you want to?  And whatever answer you arrive at, ask yourself WHY once again.  Keep doing this long enough, and eventually you'll reach a point where you do not have an answer readily available, but also you finally become AWARE that you DON'T KNOW.

Not knowing is the key that opens the door to enlightenment.  We are taught certain things growing up.  These things are taught to us by people we trust.  Our parents.  Our teachers.  Our movies.  Our TV.  And so, by the time we reach our twenties, most of us think we have what matters all figured out.  Our trusted sources have laid the blueprint down for a happy life, it's just up to us to follow it.  If failure happens along the way, it's our fault, of course!  We just didn't try "hard enough" or left the path for some reason.  It never occurs to most, that the reason they fail, is because they are on the WRONG PATH.  What?  A wrong path?  How can that be?  We are clearly taught there is ONE path, and it's the path for EVERYONE.  The path of doing good in school, making friends, following the advice of your elders, going to college, getting married, finding a career in a field that makes a ton of money, buying a nice house, having kids, getting old, and finally death.  The tedium of this life is to be broken up by television, video games, sex, sports, and the drama of real life (ie politics, religion, family).  

What I have discovered, is that there are many paths, perhaps infinite paths, and you do not have to follow the one that is put before you.  In fact, rarely is that path the one for you.  Usually, the path put before you is there because of someone else. They want you on that path, for reasons that could be good or not.  So, it is important, once you are cognitively able, to question the path before you.  If you are already on that path, question it anyway.  I know starting over may seem impossible, a daunting task.  But question it you must, for another, more fulfilling path may be out there, just waiting for you to claim it.  So what is it that keeps us from claiming the path meant for us?  There are many things, but this blog entry is going to focus on one; Sensation Seeking.

While I do not consider myself a Buddhist (not even Buddha was), I have to give credit where credit is due.  The idea of "sensation seeking" and that it hinders personal growth and insight came from studying Buddhism. I looked at my life, both past and present.  I analyzed the memories to see if the concept of sensation seeking was bull, or if there was some truth to it.  I was shocked at what I found.  Almost all of the things we do that hinder spiritual/mental growth comes seeking sensation.  So what is it, exactly?

Sensation seeking is when we do something, or avoid something, implicitly for the reason of attaining a certain sensation, or avoiding one.  The goal of all sensation seeking is pleasure.  To "feel good" seems to be equated with "happiness".  In America, "the pursuit of happiness" has been etched into our brains since birth.  But what if the happiness we are taught to seek after, isn't true happiness?  While we aren't taught it verbally, we DO learn that feeling good = happiness.  Feeling good begins to seem like being hooked on drugs.  We like how "feeling good" feels.  Obviously.  So we seek it, more and more.  We are judged by HOW we seek to feel good.  If the majority of people do a certain thing to feel good, they are cheered as normal.  If someone does a thing to feel good that most people do NOT do, he/she is ostracized and judged by the masses.  Our entire culture is built around the pursuit of happiness, which more and more seems to be the pursuit of feeling good.

We see a car.  If looking at that car makes us "feel good" we buy it, if we can afford it.  If we can't, we feel bad inside that we haven't lived a life that enables us to buy that car.  But almost at the same time, we justify not needing that car, so the bad feeling is drowned out by the propaganda of our mind and it's desire to not be conscious of bad things.  Denial.  The same goes with clothes, food, homes, etc....  Almost any and everything you buy, regardless of the justifications you used to attain them, or the reasoning you use when you have to settle for things that make you feel "less good", are ultimately how they make you FEEL.  So you begin to live a life of sensation seeking, like a drug addict looking for his next fix.  Taste, Touch, Sight, Hearing, Smell and Mind are all your senses, and by the time you are an adult, these senses are using you, instead of you using them.  For those that think the mind is not another sense, ask yourself this; when a person is looking toward the future or past, and relishes in the prospect of power and control, which sense gives him that information that makes him feel so good?  It is mind, of course.  The mind takes the input of the first 5 senses, and combines them all in a way that gives a greater understanding of pleasure than one sense alone could ever give.  It also does the same for displeasure, usually referred to as Pain.  So our lives are lived in constant pursuit of pleasure and in constant fear of pain.  These primal urges work like background processes in a computer, affecting all you do without your conscious mind ever noticing.  However, under careful scrutiny, these hidden processes can be revealed.  And being conscious of these things, with the understanding that they are bad for you and should be altered, will begin to alter all by themselves.... So many people do not try to change, because they think it would be too hard.  And if you "try" to change, it IS hard.  So don't try.  Just be aware.  Make an effort to be aware.  That is all.  "Know Thy Self"

Bearing Fruit

Well it's September 8th, which means we've been living the homeless life for 2 months now.  Overall, the experience has been informative, fun, and transforming.  And it still continues.  I do not see ending this experiment anytime soon.

This has been one hell of summer.  A cross country road trip, a vegas wedding, giving away most of our possessions, moving from a comfy apartment to living in a car (by choice), seeing my Dad after 8 years, and going Raw and Organic in addition to being Vegan. Also, it is when I finally researched and accepted being a high-functioning Autistic person, also known as an Aspie, short for Asperger's Syndrome.  We see it as who we are, not something we "have".  Whew!  This is what appears to be many life altering changes in a short time.  The truth, however, is that these changes were a long time coming.  My tree may take a while to bear fruit, but when it does, WOW!

I can see the HBC (homeless by choice) life came to me after years and years of planning on that eventuality and fantasizing about it as a child.  How many children do you know that think being homeless would be fun and adventurous?  I did, and still do :)  You spend a third of your life asleep.  No choice in that.  So what do you do with the other 16 hours a day, the other 2/3 of your life?  Most will spend a third (or more) working.  And not meaningful, enlightening, purposeful work either.  Mindless physical labor and robotic repetitive actions is where the vast majority find themselves.  Some of who's left find a better version of the slave labor game.  They attain jobs that "seem" to matter, "seem" to be important, but any true unbiased reflection will show the hollowness of these endeavors.  Jobs like engineers, management, investing, business owners and the like, all have enough "street cred" in this earthly prison system, that although they remain trapped and shackled like all the other prisoners, they hold a "trustee" status, where prisoners are made to look after the other prisoners and are given "perks".

So, that leaves 1/3 of your life left.  From what I have observed, that third is spent either trying to recover from your daily slave labor, or "taking care of" your little future prisoners, your children.  Video games, television, music, sports, chemicals, and sex are all ways we attempt to detach ourselves from the inner pain of being a slave. Similar things are used in real prison.  I spent 3 years there, so I can see the similarities plain as day.  As for children, they become a huge part of the parents life, and rightly so.  However, most parents make a HUGE mistake; they feel the way they were raised is the "right" way.  Even in this modern world, where so many different ways of doing things are considered "right", people still refuse to question their beliefs and assumptions, and then pass that faulty thinking on to their children!  How else could atrocities of the past, like Slavery, denying women the right to own property or vote, etc, be carried on for hundreds or thousands of years?  And are we truly so arrogant that we think all the "horrible" things of the past have been dealt with?  What of war? What of treating our animal brothers and sisters like products instead of living beings?  What of greed corrupting the minds of those in power to the point to where we are being fed poison in our food because it takes 20 years to kill instead of 2?  What of using imaginary lines on a map to distinguish who is valid from who is invalid?  What of us choosing to hurt others so that we may profit?  The atrocities are not over.  Many know this, but many do not.  Many think we are at the pinnacle of human evolution and knowledge, and we are more enlightened now than ever.  I disagree.  We have just gotten much better at denial and the "appearance" of civility.

We, as humans, know something is wrong.  It's in all our forms of expression.  In music, in art, in literature, in religion.  We know something is off, and that "knowing" can slowly drive us insane.  "Like a splinter in your mind" as Morpheus says.  So I choose to do something about it.  I choose to "unplug".  But I feel it's not really a choice at all. Like Neo, I can never go back.  I would not want to, knowing what I know now. I have devoted the 2/3 of my life I spend awake, to being "awake".  To see the world mindfully, to question, and as strength permits, to do the right thing.  My shackles are off.  Are yours?

Saturday, August 20, 2011

"Do You Love Me?" (a lyrical poem about when Kim and I first met)

Days spent shooting through the desert
Nights spent gathered around the electronic fire
Gaining ground on my destiny
Hoping for something to take me higher

Picking up your transmissions
Curious if this is the one
Rolling the dice once again
To see if I can raise the sun

A few drops have hit my face
But I'm not even wet yet
The dice are still rolling
I haven't placed my bet yet

East meets west and time stands still
The gods all hold their breath
Would this be the start of a never-ending journey
Or would it be it's death?

An eternity in an instant
As the gravity of fate pulled you to me
Did you think that summer morning
 I would be the one to set you free?

Never loved or been loved
Now you have eyes to see
I asked of you only this question
Do you love me?

I do not ask for my own sake
Or to clear up a misconception
For I know the answer is yes,
And it has a grand reception

I ask so that you may do the same
Having given up long ago
Resigned to a life of acquaintance
With little truth to show

I see the sparkle in your eyes
The divine essence of fate
Take my hand, walk with me
I'll give you more than a taste

Ah yes there it is
Realization blooming like a flower
The awareness of your love for me
Giving you undreamt of power

Power to open a heart once closed
Power to shine a light where no one knows
Power to accept that you can be seen
As the ultimate most wonderful girl of my dreams.

I love you Kim.  

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

New Meaning From An Old Story

I was just thinking back to an illustrated serial story I wrote back in 5th grade. We had to write a journal entry everyday, and mine was in the form of a story being written, each day being a new chapter.  The story was about a group of kids who had fallen through a portal into a fantasy world, being transformed into hybrid animal/human creatures.  The point of the story was for the group to get back home.  This was to be achieved by going on a long journey, and overcoming a series of obstacles in their path using skill, intellect and ability.  Each obstacle was a different type of wall.  Each wall could only be overcome by one member of the group, using their particular gift.

Looking back now, of course, I see something deeper.  It appears my subconscious was writing a story about the point of life.  And that point, it seems, was to overcome the obstacles you face in life.  And after each one, there will be another. And another. Until you finally reach the promised land.  And to get past each obstacle, you must utilize your innate ability and the things which make you different from everyone else.  These differences must be celebrated, not hidden and felt ashamed of.  It seems the journey I'm on now, started much sooner than I realized.